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Original poster

Cheating/affair is obvious but she won't admit it...

49 replies

AHSQU1RR3L · 21/07/2017 19:58

Ok so it has been a couple years now and we made the choice to stick it out and "get through it" together without divorcing. I just wanted a few more opinions on one part of it. So I KNOW she had an affair, she denied it from the start and still to this day but the simple fact is, it wasn't disguised well when it was going on and a blind-idiot (aka me at the time) could see what was going on. Anyway, what really gets to me now is how she WILL NOT own up to it. She denies it to this day saying they were just "really good friends." Simply put, I know there was more going on and it just bothers the sh*t out of me that she can't just admit it.

So my question to everyone is: Am I the only one who thinks things will never really "heal" unless she can admit her fault? I mean how can someone be sorry for something they adamantly claim never happened?

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 21/07/2017 20:01

Regardless of whether she did or did not have an affair you do not trust or believe this is no basis for a marriage to continue.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2017 20:02

I wouldn't still be there, sorry

Flowersandfootballs · 21/07/2017 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 21/07/2017 20:09

How can you possibly move on if she's still denying it?
I'd be long gone.

Desperad0 · 21/07/2017 20:11

After 2 years I suggest you stop banging on about it or leave

Smeaton · 21/07/2017 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guccibelt · 21/07/2017 20:14

What if she's telling the truth?

lostpigeon · 21/07/2017 20:33

couldn't live like that, as soon as there is an affair, the relationship is dead, IMO.
even if there wasn't, which is unlikely, I'd be gone in your shoes, a long time ago

Cloudyapples · 21/07/2017 20:36

How do you 'know' there was more going on?

category12 · 21/07/2017 20:38

Time to go.

Guccibelt · 21/07/2017 20:40

How are you so sure.I was accused of having an affair by ex which was a ridiculous accusation.

Changedname3456 · 21/07/2017 21:09

I got this from my exW. It was always just an EA, according to her... and yet she told her sisters and other family members that it was physical.

Some people will twist themselves in knots rather than cough up to having lied. It starts in childhood and they just can't get beyond that mental state.

Like others have said, she is almost certainly never going to admit the truth to you. If you can't live with that you'd be best ending the relationship

category12 · 21/07/2017 21:11

Doesn't matter if it's true or not, the relationship is fucked. Do the hard thing and walk away.

Cary2012 · 21/07/2017 21:21

How do you know there was more to it? That's the key here, isn't it? If you have proof then for you two to make this work she needs to tell you everything. However if it's just your 'gut' with no solid evidence, that's another matter.

thestamp · 21/07/2017 21:23

My ex couldn't accept that I didn't cheat on him. I never did, my greatest sin was that I worked with a team that included a couple of men and he was convinced that meant I was having an affair with one or more of them. In the end I had to leave him over it.

I'm certain he still believes I strayed because that's just the kind of person he always believed I was. It didn't matter what I said or didn't. What else could we do but split?

She's either lying to you, or you think the worst of her despite her telling the truth. So in either case - what is there to salvage here? Walk away.

Neutrogena · 22/07/2017 07:05

We say it about the cheating men on here, so I am going to say it about that cheating bitch of a partner you have: she sounds like an utter cunt

Original poster
AHSQU1RR3L · 22/07/2017 14:39

In the simplist/shortest way I can say it, I "know" because she matched EVERY single sign of you google identifying red flags of a cheater. Up to and including catching them spending the night together, alone, while she house-sat for a friend. Yet because I didn't catch them in the act/ in bed together it is still denied.

OP posts:
thestamp · 22/07/2017 14:49

So you know she has cheated. And she won't admit it.

So why are you still involved with her?

Angelf1sh · 22/07/2017 15:01

You've given it two years, you clearly can't get past it. If I were you I'd cut my losses at this point, regardless as to whether or not she confirms your suspicions. Indeed, at this point it doesn't even matter if she had an affair or not because you're relationship has been permanently tainted by this. It isn't going to go away.

Angelf1sh · 22/07/2017 15:01

*your

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2017 17:17

It seems to me you are wasting a huge amount of your life trying to save a relationship that cannot be saved. You clearly don't and can't trust her, so what's the point? Move on.

Cary2012 · 22/07/2017 19:04

Well as you are convinced, I agree with the others. Time to break away and find happiness elsewhere. I wish you well.

WinchestersInATardis · 22/07/2017 19:18

In my experience, cheaters rarely admit it, even when blatantly caught out. As long as they deny it, they put you in a position where if you leave them for it you're being the bad guy by being 'paranoid'.
Even if caught red handed, they'll continue to lie and minimise.
For me, in the end, I did get proof but I'd already decided to leave. I realised I didn't trust him. You can't be in a relationship with someone you can't trust.
I'm sorry this happened OP. I know how soul destroying it is to be cheated on and have the person you love repeatedly dismiss you and lie to your face.

Outofcontrolfreak · 22/07/2017 20:01

OP, is she worried that if she admits an affair, you'll leave her? Maybe she regrets the affair and realises what she could have lost with you.

RedastheRose · 22/07/2017 20:53

Unfortunately whether she did actually have sex with him or not is beside the point now. You no longer trust her and cannot forgive her because you have this doubt about exactly what happened. The only way to get past something like this is for absolute honesty and you have either had this and don't believe it or she has continued to lie to you for 2 years.

Would you think about having a temporary separation and going to counselling? It might either make her realise that only her absolute honesty can regain your trust or make you realise that she has been telling the truth and that you have to accept that if you want to stay together.

If you do nothing and carry on as you are I would imagine one or the other of you will leave as the situation is untenable.

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