Cheating/affair is obvious but she won't admit it...

[AHSQU1RR3L]

Ok so it has been a couple years now and we made the choice to stick it out and "get through it" together without divorcing. I just wanted a few more opinions on one part of it. So I KNOW she had an affair, she denied it from the start and still to this day but the simple fact is, it wasn't disguised well when it was going on and a blind-idiot (aka me at the time) could see what was going on. Anyway, what really gets to me now is how she WILL NOT own up to it. She denies it to this day saying they were just "really good friends." Simply put, I know there was more going on and it just bothers the sh*t out of me that she can't just admit it.

So my question to everyone is: Am I the only one who thinks things will never really "heal" unless she can admit her fault? I mean how can someone be sorry for something they adamantly claim never happened?

[HoHoHoHo]

Dps ex did this and he caught them in their bed 18 months after they decided to work things out

[Kindy1234]

Maybe she did cheat and realised that it was a big mistake.Now she can clearly see what she stands to lose so she can't bring herself to say the truth because she's scared she would lose you.But,it could also be the reverse and she could just be untrustworthy..how has she been since you suspected this happened...does she seem regretful in any way..or a don't care attitude?

[Jimuk]

I’m caught In a similar situation. All the signs are there including gut instincts. Lies, secret rendezvous with a guy, becoming distant and angry, accusations that I’m paranoid and controlling, I even found a condom in her pocket, a dating app on her phone, changed password, lack of affection, I could go on. But what I haven’t found is her in bed with another guy or her admitting anything. I’m not likely to either.
The only thing holding me back is that we’ve got 3 kids and a business together.
But it’s not going to hold me long. Life’s to short.

[certificateofauthenticity]

Some advice. Google 'josephs letter'. It's on the surviving infidelity site. Show it to her. Also look up trickle truth. Explain that you, like I did, need the truth. There is only one version of it. It all had to come out. Anything you ask, no omissions, no lies. Tell her you are on quicksand and sinking, you need a firm footing. If she is not able to do this, you will need to move on. You cannot carry on otherwise. Don't accept blame, you may not be perfect and you can work on yourself, but if she does not tell you there's a problem, men are blind, we do not see these things.

[Adora10]

You can't carry on with her, she is a liar and continues to lie, she knows very well you know the truth but as long as she carries on denying, she's safe; what a horrible way to treat you; if she really wanted it to work, she'd come clean, I'd guess she could very easily do it again OP, do you really want to go through all that crap again with her, is she really worth it because she doesn't seem to think you are worth the truth.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't understand why you are still with her.
She's a cheat and you know it.
Time to find someone who has the same values as you do.
Like... Loyalty and honesty!

[mm2one]

FWIW, googling signs of a cheater is not way to prove that someone has an affair. Everyone is different and some stuff posted on the internet is a far streach from reality.

If you believe your wife is outright lying to you and was not completely honest, there are two things you can do, ride it out, and hopefully over time you will forget about it, or tell her flat out how you feel and you can't go on because you dont think she was honest.

Based on your post, I would recommend, you get some self esteem back. Work out. Get back in shape. Start to feel good and better about yourself. Then confront her and chose option #2. Tell her she has to be completely honest and has to find a way to prove to you and quell your doubts.

The problem with option #1 is that if you are still dwelling on it after 2 years, assume it will continue for another 2 years and it will continue to eat away at you. I am pretty sure your behaviour and mood in your marriage is being affect by your doubts.

[Cricrichan]

You think she's cheated but you don't know. My stbxh is absolutely convinced that I have cheated a few times based on absolutely nothing (probably projecting). So did my ex (he definitely cheated on me). I have been 100% faithful and lead a very transparent life. I have spent over a decade protesting my innocence and making sure that I had as few dealings with men as possible so that he'd have no cause to suspect.

But basically you don't know and you don't trust her. So how can the relationship continue?

[pinkyredrose]

My ex was conviced I was cheating. Absolutely 'knew' it. Tried every which way to get me to 'admit'. In truth he was a bullying abusive arsehole who couldn't handle me looking at another guy let alone talking to them.

[hellsbellsmelons]

catching them spending the night together, alone, while she house-sat for a friend
Did everybody miss this bit?

[yetmorecrap]

It’s very difficult OP, I am banned from using the word ‘affair’ because as far as my H is concerned, a one sided crush , writing longing stuff about that person but not giving it them , an odd secret meet up and a ton of two way overtexting is not an emotional affair because as he says it was very one sided. I don’t think you can ever know 100% you will get the truth, so you either live with that or leave and move in, but as a counsellor told me in many cases it’s best to give it time as what seems horrendous at the time in some cases fades, in some cases of course it doesn’t!

[certificateofauthenticity]

The alternative to my previous post www.chumplady.com/2014/06/josephs-letter-return-to-sender/. I know you cannot trust what's on the internet, but the Joseph's letter helped my (still) wife actually talk and explain her emotional affair. By telling the truth and bring completely open and honest about feelings and me, it actually got both of us to work together again. Excellent advice from mm2one. Sort yourself out. The mindful attraction book by Athol Kay is a good motivational way to start the process. You will feel better, as I did, by getting in great shape and feeling more attractive to others. Great for self esteem, which sounds like it is lacking a little. All the best.

[yetmorecrap]

Whilst it’s hard to read, I do understand where that guy was coming from, thinking you have half a story, half a picture is not good mentally, the thing is they ‘may’ be telling the truth.

[UndomesticHousewife]

What are you working to get through it without divorce if she didn’t have/won’t admit to an affair?

[Jimuk]

I think that people rarely admit to having an affair. Even when caught blame goes elsewhere. I think the problem is that if a person is strong enough to admit they or normally strong enough to resist the affair. That’s a big over simplification I know.
But unless caught in bed it’s almost impossible to get the truth. As far as healing I think it’s possible but difficult. The cheating partner has to really want to change and you really have to want to forgive and try to understand why it happened.
I think a long relationship the partner can become a little like part of the fixtures and taken for granted.
Also as life throws obstacles in our way our marriage and partner can be associated with the obstacles.
So the new person is clear of the problems and more noticeable.

[Dapperman]

Hi i am a 45 year old man that has been married to the most beautiful woman my eyes have laid eyes on for 22 years. Now we both worked together in property developing. And we had the usual arguing that every couple have. It always seemed to be over petty little things. IE how the car was parked or the way she would constantly spend insane amounts of money on children and give them what they wanted. Now 22 months ago i noticed she wasn't her normal self. I askrd what was wrong and she said she has not been happy in the marriage for a while. When i asked how long she said since the year before. Even though she kept it to herself but said i knew there was something wrong in the marriage. Now unless i am psychic how was i supposed to know. She said its because of the arguing and my mood swings every now and then and my opinions.. She then started acting strange buying new clothes. And thongs thant she has detested and never owned a pair in 22 years. I started noticing my mixed race friend messaging her at 11.30 every other day on whatsapp while on his break. And to the point where it would be 2 minutes to go and he messaged in front of her and me.. She said nothing was going on. Then she told me she was going for a celebration drink with a female friend 14 miles away. She came home the following morning at 3 am. That morning i had a gut feeling something was not right. So i went in her room where she slept and found a piece of paper with an address that lead to a hotel. I went to hotel showed a photo of me and her and asked if they seen her. Receptionist said yes. She checked in here last night with a Nigerian man. I got his name photo. And even my wifes drivers licence was on their computer. When she came home that day i questioned her about it. She denied knowing his name. Photo. Hotel and even her licence on computer. Then when i told her i went to hotel and they told me. She admitted going their. But she said it was for business only... Yeah right.... Then it started getting worse. She would go away for weekends at a time back to london. To visit friends she said. Then i told her to leave which she did about 8 months ago. And things have gotten worse. She told me that shes not in a relationship with me anymore. And her friends are more important than me. I've never raided my hands to her or abused her. Her friend told me that she is seeing two black guys. One being my friend but he is just friends with benefits. She said my wife told her all of this and went mad when she found out she told me. Now we are separated yet when i asked about getting divorced she replied saying why i haven't mentioned anything about getting divorced. Yet i proceed with legal separation and 5 months later she still has not instructed her solicitor to proceed Yet when i asked her why not. She said oh i don't think it's a priority at the moment... Now my friend told me shes joined and became a member of a cheap gold club in surrey. As he saw her there with a guy. When questioned she denied it. Yet my wife has never had any interest in golf. Yet the club is 1.5 hours away from where we live and only 35 minutes away from my mixed race friend i know shes seeing and i know he plays golf.... Yet lies lies lies. All i want is an honest answer so i have closure for me and our children.. I have so much on her with these guys. But why she will not admit it. Is beyond me..

[Cosmicunicorn321]

You know she did. Your marriage isn't dead if you are still there 2 years on.
Question is though are you happy? Have you forgiven Her? Do you understand why she did it? If you can settle for not knowing the details you have to make a choice.....either you forgive and stay with her and accept she won't tell you or you give her an ultimatum and leave if she doesn't admit it.
Can you trust her again? Is it eating you up? You have to decide if it bothers you enough to end your marriage.
You can't punish her forever but if she won't admit it then that's a big deal.

[Huskylover1]

Probably doesn't want the expense of a divorce right now. You aren't living together. Even when she did live with you, you had separate bedrooms. It's over. Forget it. Move on.

[Itwasatuesday]

Zombie. If you want advice on your own problems at art a new thread, you'll get more advice that way.

[AF321321321321]

About 10 years ago my wife had a very brief affair, she admitted it, we worked it out and I forgave her. Thing is, as the years went by her affair - acknowledged by all and discussed together and in counseling at the time - became twisted in her mind so that "she didn't cheat".

I should've realized that this was a symptom of greater issues. Recently I found out she's sleeping with TWO other men. I have proof, and have confronted her...but no go. She won't admit to anything. I've just "made everything up" for some reason.

If you absolutely know she cheated, be done with it. It will never get better.

[CruellaDeVille2019]

Zombie thread

[Lostboy33]

I found this by asking the same question. I've been in a 15-year relationship married for the past seven. Spent most of these years turning a blind eye to the obvious. One day he got thrown in my face and I had to deal with it. When I started to pay attention I found out things I didn't want to find out and I understand why people cheat but also understand loving somebody I'm telling him the truth that's all I asked start over was the truth I don't think I'll ever get it it's been 2 years to denies everything it's so obvious but I don't think I'm going to get over it without her telling me and emitting what you she did . I wish you the best of luck because I now how u feel and you are not alone .

[crestar]

Your best bet is to take everything that you can financially and leave.

Failing that, i would have a string of affairs myself.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Zombie!