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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know how to approach dh about his lying

26 replies

Mymumsanighthorse · 05/07/2017 21:57

I'm feeling really upset atm. I appreciate I'm probably overreacting so please be gentle with me.

I've just found out dh has been lying to me. He told me about an event one of my friends is doing and how he was thinking of doing it too. I asked how I knew she was doing this event (it's a charity thing, she said she didn't really want to go round going on about it so she's just put a link on her Facebook account and that's it). Dh looked shifty and mumbled that he couldn't remember how he heard about it. I asked him if he was db friends with her and he just said 'yeah, I must be.'

I've checked and he isn't fb friends with her and her account is private so he couldn't have just been nosing and found it. The only way he could have seen it is by looking on my db account. Which means he's been going through my phone.

I have absolutely nothing to hide from dh. If he said he wanted to use my phone I would have no problem at all with it. I have fb app and MN app on my phone so once you unlock my phon you're free to go through them.

I can't explain how violated I feel by this. I have never done anything to suggest I need 'keeping track of' and I don't feel any need to look through dh's things. I haven't told him yet that I know the only way he'd know about this yet. He's a really clever bloke and I've always said to him that I have to trust him as I know he'd never slip up if he was having an affair or something.

I just feel something big has just shifted in our relationship and I don't know how to put it back. Please help and make me feel better

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Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 05/07/2017 21:58

sorry that should be i asked him if he was fb friends with her

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pigeondujour · 05/07/2017 21:58

Poor you OP. I don't want to sound cruel but could he be having an affair with the friend doing the event?

JK1773 · 05/07/2017 22:00

He's either lying about his contact with her or he's snooping on you. Neither is good

Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 05/07/2017 22:02

No there's no way he's having an affair with my friend. He's only met her twice I think and doesn't really socialise with anyone from where we live. He commutes to work and socialises in that town with workmates.

If he was having an affair though I'd have no way of knowing. He works crazy long hours and is often away for days at a time with work. I've always just trusted that he wouldn't as we are very honest with each other and always talk though immediately any problems we have. I just now feel all that trust is gone.

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Gemini69 · 05/07/2017 23:33

I'm very confused as to how you have established that your DH must be going through your phone ?

you must have some friends in common on social media.. ? even one friend in common might have created a crossover and the charity event post visible...

ClickHip · 05/07/2017 23:35

Have you thought about just asking him outright?

Smeaton · 05/07/2017 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smeaton · 05/07/2017 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylittlepony6 · 06/07/2017 06:31

I feel your pain. DH used to lie to me about smoking and it just about turned me into a loony. I just thought ffs stop lying to me. I also thought if you can lie about this you can lie about anything.

Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 06/07/2017 07:08

The friend is a school mum friend. Dh has never dropped or collected ds from school. There are absolutely no other friends in common that would have no mentioned it. Dh commutesa long way to work and doesn't have any friends or acquaintances in the place we live.

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Alittlepotofrosie · 06/07/2017 07:13

First off put a password on your phone. Then ask him again how he knew about the event and see if there's any discrepancies.

OnTheRise · 06/07/2017 09:36

If you're always so honest with each other, why don't you just ask him?

Vari757 · 06/07/2017 10:01

Why does it matter how he knows about the event? If it's something like tough mudder literally everyone knows about that and a lot of people do it?
I'm a bit confused to what the issue is?

Shadow666 · 06/07/2017 10:05

Because if he lies about one thing he probably lies about other things too. My Ex was a liar, I caught him out in a small, stupid lie but it was the tip of the iceberg.

EssieTregowan · 06/07/2017 10:05

Did you like her post?

Because if you did and you are FB friends with your DH, there's every chance it would have come up on his feed.

SaltySeaBird · 06/07/2017 10:06

How locked down is her account? It may be that as you've liked her post, it comes up on your timeline for your friends to see. Unless she has certain settings, if you've liked it, he may have seen it on his timeline despite not being friends with her himself.

Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 06/07/2017 11:05

No didn't like her post or anything. We moved to this area a couple of years ago knowing no one here. I'm a sahm so have made some mum friends. Dh commutes to a city over 80 miles away and works long hours. He really knows no one where we live and has met this woman maybe twice in the park with me. There's just no way he'd have heard about her doing this event unless I'd told (which I hadn't) or he'd been on my fb account.

I haven't spoken to him about it yet because I don't know how to. We have arguments like everyone does but I really thought that trust was something we were good at. Him going through my phone not only shows he doesn't trust me but makes me not trust him either.

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Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 06/07/2017 11:07

It's not that he knows about the event vari, it's that he knows this lady is doing the event.

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Tazerface · 06/07/2017 15:51

Did he mention the charity event in connection with the friend? Or have you put 2 and 2 together?

Because if it's a local half marathon for e.g. did he mention he fancied doing it and you have then linked it with your friend?

Do you definitely know that her charity link isn't public (because you can share certain thing a publicly by changing the settings for one post) and algorithms mean it's advertised for him as a contact of yours?

scottishdiem · 06/07/2017 16:19

If facebook is your own potential problem here then I think you are jumping to a huge conclusion.

Everything you do on Facebook can, potentially, be seen by others. The privacy settings manage a lot of this but depending on what was posted, by whom and what combination of privacy settings are used it becomes progressively more open. For example, if the charity thing is being promoted via a Page then that will have very open settings. Depending on the privacy settings you and your friend have it is fairly easy for it to then end up in your DHs timelines.

BorisTrumpsHair · 06/07/2017 16:46

Dh looked shifty and mumbled that he couldn't remember how he heard about it.

He's hiding something here - I don't see how we can make you feel better about it. I would be pushing him for a straight answer.

Either he is snooping on your phone, or possibly he is hiding that he is having some kind of direct contact with this woman.

Untangled07 · 06/07/2017 16:48

What are your friend's Facebook settings like? Maybe he just clicked on her profile and was having a look through her posts out of curiosity. I love 'spying' on people's social media accounts

And maybe he was 'shifty' because he thought you'd accuse him of fancying your friend if he admitted looking at her account. I mean you do sound slightly paranoid in your posts, so maybe he thought you'd go off on one.

happymumof4crazykids · 06/07/2017 16:55

If you commented on her status it might have shown up on his Facebook feed. I often see have things like that in my feed.

CosmoClock · 06/07/2017 17:42

i'd say he was embarrassed that he was busted, 1) sufficiently interested in your friend enough to look at her page & 2) catching you logged in on fb and having a quick peek

Neither are things I could easily swear blind I would never do even in a good relationship.

Original poster

Mymumsanighthorse · 06/07/2017 19:33

I've had a look at friends account today whilst logged onto my sister fb account (with her approval obvs!). I can't see anything about her other than her name, profile pic and a couple of historical profile pictures. Her link was through GoFundMe so maybe that advertises local fundraising in pop ups? That's the only way I can think he could have seen it.

Maybe I am just being paranoid. I have found it very difficult being a sahm with dh being away so much. He is in the kind of job that means he'll end up working on the other side of the world for a week or so with a couple of hours notice. He could be with another woman and I'd never know. I have no contact with any of his workmates, I don't even really know where his office is. I just have to trust that he's not lying to me because if I don't I'll go bonkers.

Thanks for everyone's help. I think you're probably all right and I'm am just being paranoid - I'll talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what he says

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