I've messed up my life

[Redbarchetta]

I feel I've messed up my life big time. I'm in a loveless relationship that I can't stand and I feel like I've done nothing but mess up over the last ten years.

I have two young kids and i just feel like I'm going to mess them up too. I want out of my relationship but don't know where to start. It all feels so heavy. I miss my old, fun self.

How old are the children?

4 and almost 2

Is the relationship the only problem?

The current relationship is but I feel like I've messed up before I entered this relationship. Been with partner for just over 5 years of which he has treated me like shit, cheated on me, threatened me, name called. But I feel like if I'd have stayed on an even keel before meeting him I wouldn't have entered this relationship at all. I was a mess when I met him but trying to better myself and be confident. I fell for him in a big way and he abused my trust. Now I have 2 kids and I just want out. We do t even talk unless it's about the kids or something house related

I have no one to confide in and the anguish is eating me up inside. I need to get out but not sure how. I don't want the next decade to be as shit as this

You need to put a plan in place and leave. You only get one life and you're absolutely miserable so get out now.

Then don't let it be.
If it's that miserable get out.

Joint mortgage, were not married. I'd like to stay in the home

Cannot afford to buy him out

. Sorry things are so bad. I guess you have to work out how to get another place to live unless you can get him to leave. Who owns or rents your accommodation? Are you financially dependent on him?

We're financially dependant on each other. I pay mortgage and all bills, he pays childcare costs. It's a joint mortgage

I couldn't afford my childcare fees on my own as well as the mortgage and bills, running costs of a car etc. I just don't want him around anymore

If you sell up, would you be able to get two smaller places, one for him and one for you and the DCs? He would still need to contribute towards DCs upbringing. Make a plan and then present it to him.

Then you're going to have to make some sacrifices. If you can't afford the house, then let it go. You can't afford to spend the rest of your life so desperately unhappy can you?
Your priority has to be in making a sustainable future for you and your children.
Nothing else matters.
Have a look at the website entitledto. You may be surprised at the support you can get. Also, my neighbour tells me that there are changes in childcare costs arriving nationally for two year olds this September. Worth checking out.
Baby steps OP. And confidence in your own ability to engineer change.

My DM was married for 29 yrs, it was an arranged (borderline forced) marriage.

She/we were emotionally, physically abused, but what tipped her over the edge to get rid was the police taking them both in for questioning after he hit her and they were working out the he said/she said when she called them.

First thing she said when his lame ass left, I wish I'd done it sooner.

What pallasathena wrote.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. If you want the next decade to be good then you yourself will have to make plans to leave the man you are with.

I would sell the house, you need a fresh start and that place will keep you trapped.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this loveless model of one. Currently at least you are showing them that this is acceptable to you. Do not let your children learn that a loveless relationship is their norm too.

Look too in the longer term at what you learnt about relationships when growing up and start unlearning all the damaging stuff through counselling.

Thanks for your replies. My parents are still happily married, and have always talked issues through. I've learned to discuss issues by the way they modelled their relationship around me.

Whenever I try talking to him he twists my words and he doesn't 'get' or even try to grasp where I'm coming from. He has no empathy whatsoever. Doesn't understand that a discussion doesn't have to allude to an argument, he just finds ways to twist everything back on me. I've become emotionally detached from him. Once the kids are in bed we don't speak but that is because I have given up. I have been taking this tack over the last few days to see if he tries to communicate anything to me as it's always me that wants to discuss stuff. So far nothing has surfaced from him, he stays glued to his phone all night without saying a word.

Weirdly one of the issues I had with him in the early days was the amount of time he spent on his phone/iPad and this was back when we were in 'courting' stage. The time when a new relationship is supposed to be about learning each other and doing the fun stuff. He's never really been one for that so I don't see why he would change that now I'm no longer putting any effort in with him. When I used to bring it up in the past he'd have a go at me saying 'you just don't like me being on my phone' which wasn't the case, I just didn't appreciate it being all the time. Sorry I'm rambling. Looks like I've got another riveting evening of him being ignorant glued to his phone whilst I keep myself occupied.

I read an article on narcissism. I know this gets thrown around a lot but he does tick a lot of the boxes. No empathy, only sees things his way, never admits to being wrong, even when he cheated on me he never fully showed any remorse and that lead to many an argument. I hate myself for staying with someone who cheated, I used to be so confident. When I was younger I would have told anyone who did that me to along their hook. I guess I wanted to believe he wanted me as much as I wanted him but I was looking at him through rose- tinted specs and kept justifying to myself in my head 'he'll come round, no one can be that unaware of the misery they've caused someone else'. My instincts were telling me otherwise but like a fool I ignored them because I wanted to believe I was worthy of being loved. What an idiot I was, I should have just sacked him off there and then and let him figure out for himself why things didn't work out.

Get in touch with Womens Aid - either the national helpline 0808 2000 247 or call your local WA office - the office is a better bet because it's easier to get through.

They'll support you, not just emotionally but practically and legally too if that's necessary. They are the experts. They are there precisely for your situation. You don't have to be a victim of domestic abuse to go to them - the clue is in the name!

That said, your relationship sounds emotionally abusive. Womens Aid will recommend you do the Freedom Programme - I've linked you to the 'find a course' page to find a course near you. Do go. It's a great way to get your head straight in record time.

Don't beat yourself up about the past. Really, all that grinding angst you're feeling is misplaced. What you need now is a lot of kindness - so start with being kind to yourself. If you find it hard to be kind to yourself, imagine a friend, or even a stranger, going through what you're going through - you wouldn't be anything like as hard on them, you'd be kind.

Womens Aid will help you with the practicals eg the finances, what you can and can't afford going forward. You'll probably be surprised what you're entitled to.

Take it easy, Red. One small step at a time. Lots of posters have been through this and can support you through it

Thank you so much springy I'm sat in bed by myself in tears at your post. I will look at the link, thank you. I feel like I want to burst with emotion. Because I have no one to vent how I feel to apart from on here. He gets on with everybody in real life, my parents think he is wonderful. And he does favours for my brothers and sister from time to time and is always pleasant. But they don't have to live with him and the way he is. He'a never even tried to make an effort with me and I just took the crumbs he fed me believeinf it would get better. I'm replaying all the horrible things he's said and done - there's been a lot in 5 and a half years and I'm just asking myself why I put up with it.

Sorry for the bad spelling

I left a similar relationship in early 2016. I felt the same as you at the time, and it took a couple of years to find the courage but I've never felt lighter.
Thousands of women do it - you can start your life right here.
Mumsnet helped me immensely.

I'm going to try and approach the subject of going our separate ways with him. Won't be tonight, I haven't the strength and he is still head deep in his phone on the sofa (I've just been down to make a brew). So far it's been 4 days that we haven't spoke about anything other than the house or the kids. Usually when he gets deep in his phone I try and make some light hearted conversation. Since I've stopped it doesn't appear he's noticed or even cares. I think he's happy to be in his own bubble all the time. Just proves to me that he doesn't care a jot whether I care or not

Yeah, my ex was like that - butter wouldn't melt, couldn't wish to meet a nicer person My family also lapped him up, thought he was the best thing since sliced bread..

You've been through a lot, lovely. You're turning all that pain in on yourself - when you do the Freedom Programme you see what he's done to you, all his doing, not yours.

(You may wonder why I'm so sure he's abusive. It's easy to recognise when you've been through it yourself).

Take care of your dear self, lovely

I'd get support together first before you tackle the subject. It may not go very well is what I'm saying. And you don't need that. Keep your thoughts to yourself for now, use the time to get support and build yourself up.

Get onto Women's Aid tomorrow. Keep talking on here xx