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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I just let MIL get away with it ?

29 replies

hayser33 · 14/06/2017 19:26

My MIL has no tact whatsoever and is also quite a jealous woman and my boyfriend does tell her off but she doesn't seem to listen.
I don't want to go on too much about it as I'm trying to not let it escalate too much as my baby daughter is due in 3 months and I don't want their to be an awkward atmosphere .
But..she facetimed BF last night and asked to see my bump (I am a bit plump atm I'll admit I also have massive body issues as it is ) she said I looked like an elephant or the size of an elephant or something like that !! Bf told her off but Ive felt like shit all day today .
Also my 14 year old daughter walked into the kitChen a couple months back (MIL isn't her "real" nan ) and MIL said to her in front of me bf and FIL "Er god you have alot of spots " luckily my daughter isint like me she's so secure in herself and it was water if a ducks back but still I was bloody annoyed on her behalf .
I really want to say stuff back but I don't want to make an awkward atmosphere as she will just say she's joking.
What would everyone else do ..as I said my Bf will have a go but she is a bit odd and doesn't take stuff in.
There's so much other stuff but it will take too long to write it all but some of it is rather outrageous really she's quite unbelievable! Kind of dreading the baby coming-god only knows what she will be like Sad

OP posts:
hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 14/06/2017 19:35

I'd have to say something about what she said to your daughter. That's not on!

wizzler · 14/06/2017 19:40

The general response on here is "goodness, did you mean to be so rude?"

JoJoSM2 · 14/06/2017 19:45

I'd just tell her she's very rude and should keep her insults to herself when she says sth like that. If she responded that she was joking, I'd probably say that she needs to filter what she says as it isn't funny but rude.

JoJoSM2 · 14/06/2017 19:46

PS I'm pretty confrontational ;)

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 19:50

I just get taken aback by it..I don't think I've ever come across someone like her in my life. She's fine sometimes and I can't say she doesn't Treat kids well aside from the spot comment .

OP posts:
Whocansay · 14/06/2017 19:52

But you already have an awkward atmosphere!
I'd pull her up on her rudeness each time. If she says its a joke, you just respond and tell her it isn't funny, its just rude. And carry on.

I'm a bit shocked you said nothing when she started on your daughter though. Why on earth didn't you stick up for her?

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 19:59

I don't know why I didn't say anything I sat there gobsmacked and followed my dayghter upstairs after ,my daughter just said "God that woman has no tact".
I was annoyed with myself afterwards actually I'm a twat I should of had a go.
I want to be more confrontational,I'm a bit better than when I was younger bit I'm mid thirties now with nearly 4 children I need to grow a back bone because she is going to ruin it when the new baby arrives she's started already
. Trying not to be negative as I've been quite low of late so I'm trying to changemy mindset about situations but she just astounds me whenever I have any contact with her then I start moaning about her to my sister and can't stop.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2017 21:06

Anytime she says something obnoxious, you should ask, very calmly, "Why would you say something so hurtful?" and then wait for her to answer. If she says she's just kidding, tell her it certainly doesn't feel like kidding to you. Other than that, avoid this woman like the plague.

BattleaxeGalactica · 14/06/2017 21:13

She sounds like a nightmare and it's unlikely she'll grow filters.

I'd be leaving her to BF to deal with and letting him tell her why if she asked.

Madbum · 14/06/2017 21:16

When she says she's joking tell her you're not laughing and neither is anyone else because she's not funny. Every excuse she comes up with just reply ' I don't care you need to stop' over and over until the message hits home. Don't get in a debate just demand she stops.

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 21:37

My poor other half I do feel bad it's his mother but he has even gone months of not talking to her due to her behaviour ( this was before we were together)
Me and my family have known them both a long time and I've always known she was a funny woman but I've definatley seen a different side to her now that we are together .
I'll try and speak up next time I see her as I have no doubt she will say these things again. Mind you BF will have a go at her so it's not like he ignores it .
My mums had to block her calling and texting her as she would ring my mum up and question her as to when my mum had seen us last etc .
If I have my parents for dinner she makes remarks to BF over the phone and it's not like we don't have her over ever its just my mum lives 10 mins away and she lives 40 and doesn't want to drive over much .

OP posts:
Blushingm · 14/06/2017 22:05

She won't grow filters - my ex mil was exactly like it but stbexh never stood up to her - part of the reason we split

Barbaro · 14/06/2017 22:06

People like that don't change, I just insult them back to be honest. Its no better than them, but they really hate it, especially when you're very honest about their flaws. My Grandad does the same thing and uses his age as an excuse to get away with showing no respect. I suspect she is doing the same thing, its amazing how many old people demand respect but give none back. Although saying that my other 3 grand parents were lovely, he is the bad one.

JK1773 · 14/06/2017 22:39

She won't change OP. She sounds like my ex MIL. She was obsessed with whether we were spending more time with my family than them. Ruined every single occasion. Was rude to the point of utter shock

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 22:45

Yep she also makes an issue out of every occasion and ruins it. My god I'm dreading Christmas this year ..how sad is that

OP posts:
JK1773 · 14/06/2017 22:49

Just to add she won't react well to confrontation. She'll become the victim then and you'll be made to look unreasonable. I feel for you. I left and the ILs were one of the reasons. I grew to loathe them, everything about them. Actually him more than her in the end when it finally dawned on me that far from being the 'reasonable' one, he was the one constantly winding her up to make rude comments because he knew she'd get the blame and he'd look whiter than white. Tossers, the pair of them. Makes me shudder remembering it all

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 22:52

She puts on these fake tears it's embarrassing. My Bf knows what she's like he does tell her but she plays the victim all the time. It's still causes rows between us at times tho . I do hope it doesn't damage our relationship -I just want an easy life x

OP posts:
peaceout · 14/06/2017 22:52

Insult her back and take no prisoners
I would😈

LucieLucie · 14/06/2017 22:56

My MIL is exactly the same and has the Hyde of a rhino.

I've started saying 'red card' when she says anything hurtful, offensive or plain wrong. It's slowly sinking in.

Don't let it cause friction between you and your man as it's not his fault she's rude. Deal with her as an equal each and every time she does it.

JK1773 · 14/06/2017 22:56

It damaged my relationship OP. With my ex and with my own family. I neglected my own folks because they were more easy going and to keep the peace. Did it for 7 years. Far too long. My ex stood up to MIL briefly each time it happened then next time we saw or heard from her it was like nothing had happened. I don't miss it. It's your DP who needs to lay the law down here, not you. If he doesn't nothing will change

Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 23:02

Yes it's causing problems with me and my mum she can be a bit controlling and possessive of me and my children anyway but that's another story .
I've raised my older 3 on my own for years and my mums always been there for me so she finds it hard now things are different as I'm with someone now.
I could handle my mum when I was on my own but now I have a partner whose mother's ten times worse it's kind of to much to bear having both of them to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
hayser33 · 14/06/2017 23:03

Often I think it was easier on my own I pleased myself and didn't have all this in law bullshit

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2017 23:05

My biggest piece of advice is to not let her come between you and your partner. I know it's hard, but try to put yourself in his place. He knows what a horrible cow this woman is, and imagine how hard that would be if it were your mum. He isn't responsible for what she says and does. He's in the middle of this mess and that must be very stressful for him. Don't take out your anger on him. If you have words to say, say them to her.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 14/06/2017 23:47

i think you and bf need to decide on your boundaries - and apply them to both mothers.

Going low contact with them is your best option for now.
Ensure you follow through with consequences if they cross boundaries.
Treat them like you would naughty children

Cricrichan · 15/06/2017 00:02

I'd be tempted to say things like 'are you well... because you're looking very old lately'. Or 'i can recommend a good cream to help with all the wrinkles you're getting' etc. See how she likes it.

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