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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my husband to be on our side

34 replies

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 06:18

I am so upset/ cross/ fuming/ sad... yesterday my 11 year old casually told me that the previous night (while babysitting) my mother in law was asking her questions about mine and my husbands relationship (my husband is my daughters step dad). She asked whether we fight etc.
I told my husband (via text as he was at work) what my Dd had said. He called me half an hour later saying he had spoken to his mother and she said she didn't say any of that and that my daughter is a liar.
My daughter has no reason to lie and was in no way upset that her step Nanny had asked this, it's me that find its inappropriate.

AIBU to expect my husband to defend us? He has completely sided with my mum and completely ignored my Dd last night!!

What can I do? I feel like packing my bags right now.

OP posts:

sourgrapes28 · 08/06/2017 08:56

Didn't want to read and run sorry I'm don't have any great advice but personally I probably would pack my bags as he is a fucking child himself ignoring an 11 year old!

Have you tried to talk to him and explain how close to leaving you are?

Janeinthemiddle · 08/06/2017 09:55

Did he actually call your daughter a liar or was that the gist of your interpretation?

Penfold007 · 08/06/2017 09:56

Are you and H having relationship problems? My guess would be he's told his DM that he is unhappy

CookieLady · 08/06/2017 09:56

A mummy's boy who doesn't believe his own child.

Original poster

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 10:28

He categorically said that she was a liar.

She is not his daughter she is his step daughter (not that it should make a difference).

I can't talk to him. It just ends in arguments.

I don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 10:32

I just can't see how we go anywhere from this, I have never had an issue with his mum up till now and to be fair I just said to him it wasn't appropriate to ask Dd questions like this. I never said it was the worst thing in the world but he always tells me his mum says inappropriate things all the time and makes random choices. I simply told him what had happened, instead of ringing and talking to me about it, he rang his mum straight away and then rang me after telling me my daughter is a liar.
I feel completely on my own.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 08/06/2017 10:38

I'm afraid you are on your own.

I would be telling him to go and stay with his Mummy indefinitely.

HandbagCrazy · 08/06/2017 12:14

Regardless of his (and your) feelings about his mum asking questions, think about the damage that could be done to your DD by being called a liar when she is telling the truth.
It's a fundamental thing that you trust your children and they trust you to protect them. Imagine if his DM said something awful / bullying to her and she turned to the pair of you for help just to have him call her a liar.

It also doesn't look good that he showed his annoyance by ignoring her (what a horrible,
Bullying way to silence a little girl) AND on top of all that, he does the same to you by making it more trouble than it's worth to bring up issues because he makes them into arguments.

I would be questioning if I wanted this man in my life to be honest.

LesisMiserable · 08/06/2017 12:21

Do you fight? was this your DD's roundabout way of bringing it up? Well you obviously do because you've mentioned arguments etc - do you fight in front of DD? If you do you're human and it happens - but do you need to talk to your DD about this (regardless of the MIL ). Perhaps its something she wants to talk about.

DarkFloodRises · 08/06/2017 12:27

Sorry, but it's hard for me to imagine having a relationship with someone who called my child a liar.

However, I do think you went about it the wrong way to text your DH at work moaning about his mum. Even if you were very factual, the subtext would be clear and I'm not surprised he got defensive. I wouldn't like it if my DH sent me a text message about something my mum had done that he didn't agree with - I'd rather he talked to me about it. If you can't talk to him because it always ends in arguments then that's a whole other problem.

It's not sounding great to be honest.

TheSockGoblin · 08/06/2017 12:53

Did you tell him it was utterly unacceptable to ignore your daughter? Did your daughter know why he was ignoring her?

Original poster

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 14:00

Maybe I shouldn't have text him... I agree with that. The problem is that he wouldn't have reacted any differently if I had spoken to him face to face, that I do know.

When he rang me, I went into the other room but my daughter stood outside and though I didn't say anything really, she got the message from the conversation. To be honest and wrong of me when he said "categorically is a liar and my mum is telling the truth" I put the phone down. I couldn't listen to any more. I was in shock.

I have called him out on ignoring her but he just came back at me with another argument.

I am furious and also scared. I will always stand by and believe in my children, but he says he will always stand by his family (am I bonkers to actually think that the kids and I ARE his family).

Yes we do fight, I feel terrible and guilty for the kids ever hearing it. It's just awful, I don't think this is a way for dd to talk to me about the arguing. She is grown up (far too grown up really) and talks to me about stuff. She has absolutely sworn to me she is telling the truth.

OP posts:

sourgrapes28 · 08/06/2017 14:11

I think you know what needs to be done op! He's told you in his own words you and dd will never be more important than his mother.

You deserve better and you should want better!

LesisMiserable · 08/06/2017 14:28

The fact is your DD says she is telling the truth and so does your mother in law. Your loyalty lies with your blood ties and to put it bluntly, so does his.

Their are three versions of every story as they say - yours, theirs and the truth but that's not really important here is it. Youre unhappy he hasnt backed you and it doesnt look like he's going to change his stance - so what do you do?

DistanceCall · 08/06/2017 14:38

This sounds awful, OP. Your daughter (and you) deserve better.

Adora10 · 08/06/2017 14:43

Well now you know, his priority is his lying mother and I'd be calling it a day.

Original poster

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 14:43

The fact is your DD says she is telling the truth and so does your mother in law. Your loyalty lies with your blood ties and to put it bluntly, so does his.
*
So does that mean that his loyalties will never lie with his wife? Because as far as I can tell that's how it is. Am I expecting too much to think that husband and wife are the meant to always back each other. Through thickness and thin! I am an absolute mess about this.*

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 08/06/2017 15:04

I don't think you should back anyone regardless of everything - be it your partner, your parent, or your child. Surely the truth matters, too.

The fact here is there is reasonable doubt. Your daughter is saying something, your MIL is saying the opposite. It would be reasonable for your husband to leave it at that, or to sit down with his mother and with your daughter (separately) to try and find out what has happened.

What is absolutely not on is for your husband to call your daughter a liar on his mother's say so, and much less ignore your daughter, who is only 11.

Your daughter could well have fibbed, or made a mistake, for whatever reason. That's not a reason to treat a little girl like that.

So it's not so much your husband's believing his mother over your daughter that is the problem, I think. It's the fact that he believes her without questioning anything, and that he has treated your daughter - and you - appallingly.

sourgrapes28 · 08/06/2017 15:07

Husband and wife are ment to stick together through thick and thin! Just in this case your husbands a first class knobhead.

I understand us telling you to ltb probably sounds harsh but you admit it yourself " I'm an absolute mess about this ". Do you really want more of the same in your future? My OH loyalties lie with me and he would never do this, he always has my back ( unless I've been a twat and deserved it ) This isn't normal and you shouldn't have to feel like 2nd best.

Northernparent68 · 08/06/2017 15:15

It's a mistake to assume children never lie or exaggerate

Original poster

jojomumstepmum · 08/06/2017 15:53

I know children will lie, I really really do, but she has absolutely promised that she is telling the truth. She has no reason to lie. She has come back from school upset because of the way her step father (my husband) has been.

I have sat with her and questioned her and talked to her and she still stands by she is telling the truth. So what can I do??

I agree that it's not that about his mum or my daughter (as in sides). But firstly he should have actually spoken to me (the reason I text is because he normally can't call at work), he should have called me. I would not have said for him to question his mum about it but just to keep it in mind if anything happens again.

I don't want this for the future. I am just really really scared, I have been on my own before so I know I can do it but I do love him, but how can I stay when he is like this?

Also, dd is off to her dads tonight, god knows what she will say to him. If it was his partner treating my daughter like this is wouldn't let her be in her company.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 11/06/2017 09:30

How are you, OP?

Chloe84 · 11/06/2017 10:18

AIBU to expect my husband to defend us? He has completely sided with my mum and completely ignored my Dd last night!!

He's ignoring an 11 yo! He is the adult!

That would be the final straw for me.

troodiedoo · 11/06/2017 10:38

You absolutely need to do right by your daughter here. Sounds like a horrible situation all round. But your actions now will have long lasting effects and it's up to you to choose what they are. Good luck

troodiedoo · 11/06/2017 10:40

I would give her dad a heads up if at all possible.

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