AIBU to expect my husband to be on our side

[jojomumstepmum]

I am so upset/ cross/ fuming/ sad... yesterday my 11 year old casually told me that the previous night (while babysitting) my mother in law was asking her questions about mine and my husbands relationship (my husband is my daughters step dad). She asked whether we fight etc.
I told my husband (via text as he was at work) what my Dd had said. He called me half an hour later saying he had spoken to his mother and she said she didn't say any of that and that my daughter is a liar.
My daughter has no reason to lie and was in no way upset that her step Nanny had asked this, it's me that find its inappropriate.

AIBU to expect my husband to defend us? He has completely sided with my mum and completely ignored my Dd last night!!

What can I do? I feel like packing my bags right now.

[jojomumstepmum]

Hello

The situation should not have been confronted and I never intended it to go as far as it has. I simply told DH as I thought it was inappropriate, I never thought he would not talk to me at all about it (or DD) and just go straight to his mum.

I don't have an issue as such about MIL enquiring as I know that she is not doing it to be malicious but I just don't think she should ask DD as it put her on the spot and also DD feel fiercely loyal to me.

I went away this weekend and now DH is running around me telling me how amazing I am and how amazing DD is. I have told him it won't wash as I just don't feel any faith in him.
He also just said that we don't have to agree on everything, which I explained to him we don't but also he has to stand by his family and children. With regards the ignoring, he has dug himself a hole as he think DD was ignoring him, yes she felt very awkward but she is a child??? I have never known such behaviour in my life.

I agree with someone's comments, that I have to decide whether I am doing this to give myself reasons to leave or if I want to work through it with him. I am not trying to make a defence for myself. I do love him but this has shocked me hugely.

DD is okay and knows that I have her back whatever happens. Her relationship with DH will never be the same I don't think and that's my concern amongst other things.

Completely separately maybe but since this I have been having a recurring nightmare where I find out he has feelings for someone else/ an affair / a fling etc etc etc. It's driving me mad because I haven't slept well in a week now xxx

[cestlavielife]

Given that you are arguing
You need to take a break.
Have your h move in with dm for a bit
Give your dd safe space and you may find she much happier with him gone.

Or stay with your dh and offer your dd to spend more time with her dad...how is time split at the moment ?

[Delphi2022]

Hi OP,

Your daughter must come first! I agree with one of the other posters, who said it is how he went about it that is the issue!

This is very abusive and your responsibility is to protect her! He does not have your back. I had a similar situation in my childhood and told my mother what I heard. I was accused of being a liar when I was telling the truth. It came to light years later that what I heard was correct but the damage had been done and my relationship with my mother never the same.

Good luck.
D

[ems137]

Why is he ignoring your DD? Because he thinks she's a liar? Well that's a lovely way to treat an 11 year old! Imagine the next time she has a problem, will she bother coming to you knowing she will be accused of lying, ignored for days and nothing ever be sorted ?

You need to take some kind of action that shows DD you believe her and will actually do something about her being called a liar and getting ignored. How uncomfortable must she feel in her own home being treated that way by her SD?

[AuntieStella]

My reading between the lines here is that, because of the arguments you say have been going on for some time, he has said something to his mother.

I guess that she did say something to DD, but it was more low-key than DD says.

What needs fixing here is the relationship between you and DH. When and why did the arguments start? Has there ever been a time when you were able to resolve them?

If you polarise about where loyalties lie, then I think you will be heading for further problems. So I suggest you pause and decide; are you seeking to mend your relationship, or are you gathering yourself to the point where you can end it?

[Alittlepotofrosie]

Why are you subjecting your child to living with an emotionally abusive man?

[TDHManchester]

Seems to me MIL was just trying to discretly check that everything was ok, mostly so that she could rest easy and secure in the knowledge that son and DIL re happy and everything is ok.

MILs are often cast as interfering witches but in reality, they just want to best for their children and their grand children.

They perhaps dont always realise and underestimate the intelligence of young children who hoover up every single snippet of conversation ,file it and often repeat it.

I think you two should have kept this conversation in house rather than confronting.

[Madbum]

It doesn't matter one bit that you love him. He's being emotionally abusive towards your child (and you) you can stop that from happening by ending the marriage. Put your child first.

[twattymctwatterson]

Blanking an 11 year old is abusive behaviour. I wouldn't let a man treat my child like that

[troodiedoo]

I would give her dad a heads up if at all possible.

[troodiedoo]

You absolutely need to do right by your daughter here. Sounds like a horrible situation all round. But your actions now will have long lasting effects and it's up to you to choose what they are. Good luck

[Chloe84]

AIBU to expect my husband to defend us? He has completely sided with my mum and completely ignored my Dd last night!!

He's ignoring an 11 yo! He is the adult!

That would be the final straw for me.

[DistanceCall]

How are you, OP?

[jojomumstepmum]

I know children will lie, I really really do, but she has absolutely promised that she is telling the truth. She has no reason to lie. She has come back from school upset because of the way her step father (my husband) has been.

I have sat with her and questioned her and talked to her and she still stands by she is telling the truth. So what can I do??

I agree that it's not that about his mum or my daughter (as in sides). But firstly he should have actually spoken to me (the reason I text is because he normally can't call at work), he should have called me. I would not have said for him to question his mum about it but just to keep it in mind if anything happens again.

I don't want this for the future. I am just really really scared, I have been on my own before so I know I can do it but I do love him, but how can I stay when he is like this?

Also, dd is off to her dads tonight, god knows what she will say to him. If it was his partner treating my daughter like this is wouldn't let her be in her company.

[Northernparent68]

It's a mistake to assume children never lie or exaggerate

[sourgrapes28]

Husband and wife are ment to stick together through thick and thin! Just in this case your husbands a first class knobhead.

I understand us telling you to ltb probably sounds harsh but you admit it yourself " I'm an absolute mess about this ". Do you really want more of the same in your future? My OH loyalties lie with me and he would never do this, he always has my back ( unless I've been a twat and deserved it ) This isn't normal and you shouldn't have to feel like 2nd best.

[DistanceCall]

I don't think you should back anyone regardless of everything - be it your partner, your parent, or your child. Surely the truth matters, too.

The fact here is there is reasonable doubt. Your daughter is saying something, your MIL is saying the opposite. It would be reasonable for your husband to leave it at that, or to sit down with his mother and with your daughter (separately) to try and find out what has happened.

What is absolutely not on is for your husband to call your daughter a liar on his mother's say so, and much less ignore your daughter, who is only 11.

Your daughter could well have fibbed, or made a mistake, for whatever reason. That's not a reason to treat a little girl like that.

So it's not so much your husband's believing his mother over your daughter that is the problem, I think. It's the fact that he believes her without questioning anything, and that he has treated your daughter - and you - appallingly.

[jojomumstepmum]

The fact is your DD says she is telling the truth and so does your mother in law. Your loyalty lies with your blood ties and to put it bluntly, so does his.

So does that mean that his loyalties will never lie with his wife? Because as far as I can tell that's how it is. Am I expecting too much to think that husband and wife are the meant to always back each other. Through thickness and thin! I am an absolute mess about this.

[Adora10]

Well now you know, his priority is his lying mother and I'd be calling it a day.

[DistanceCall]

Yes we do fight, I feel terrible and guilty for the kids ever hearing it. It's just awful, I don't think this is a way for dd to talk to me about the arguing. She is grown up (far too grown up really) and talks to me about stuff. She has absolutely sworn to me she is telling the truth.

This sounds awful, OP. Your daughter (and you) deserve better.

[LesisMiserable]

The fact is your DD says she is telling the truth and so does your mother in law. Your loyalty lies with your blood ties and to put it bluntly, so does his.

Their are three versions of every story as they say - yours, theirs and the truth but that's not really important here is it. Youre unhappy he hasnt backed you and it doesnt look like he's going to change his stance - so what do you do?

[sourgrapes28]

I think you know what needs to be done op! He's told you in his own words you and dd will never be more important than his mother.


You deserve better and you should want better!

[jojomumstepmum]

Maybe I shouldn't have text him... I agree with that. The problem is that he wouldn't have reacted any differently if I had spoken to him face to face, that I do know.

When he rang me, I went into the other room but my daughter stood outside and though I didn't say anything really, she got the message from the conversation. To be honest and wrong of me when he said "categorically is a liar and my mum is telling the truth" I put the phone down. I couldn't listen to any more. I was in shock.

I have called him out on ignoring her but he just came back at me with another argument.

I am furious and also scared. I will always stand by and believe in my children, but he says he will always stand by his family (am I bonkers to actually think that the kids and I ARE his family).

Yes we do fight, I feel terrible and guilty for the kids ever hearing it. It's just awful, I don't think this is a way for dd to talk to me about the arguing. She is grown up (far too grown up really) and talks to me about stuff. She has absolutely sworn to me she is telling the truth.

[TheSockGoblin]

Did you tell him it was utterly unacceptable to ignore your daughter? Did your daughter know why he was ignoring her?

[DarkFloodRises]

Sorry, but it's hard for me to imagine having a relationship with someone who called my child a liar.

However, I do think you went about it the wrong way to text your DH at work moaning about his mum. Even if you were very factual, the subtext would be clear and I'm not surprised he got defensive. I wouldn't like it if my DH sent me a text message about something my mum had done that he didn't agree with - I'd rather he talked to me about it. If you can't talk to him because it always ends in arguments then that's a whole other problem.

It's not sounding great to be honest.