Do you and your partner share finances?

[LottieG100]

We have been together for ten years, moved in together after seven years because of complications with jobs, respective children and finances. He was left in a bad state financially after his divorce. I worked and studied for a degree and paid for 85% of everything on days out and any holidays. So effectively, I feel I helped him pay off all his debts.

I became a SAHM when our DD was born two years ago because we have no support and DP works unpredictable hours plus we are in a rural location due to his job. I look after his two DC regularly so altogether I care for five children. Before I moved in, there was talk of me managing finances because of him being rubbish previously but that has not happened. He gives me £350 each month for food while he pays rent (£375) utilities and minimal maintenance because I have his DC a lot. I receive maintenance for my DC and child benefit. Out of these I have to pay my phone bill, pay off our sofa, a store card, my credit card, buy all clothes, shoes, birthday and Christmas presents for the DC. As well as pay for any groups or activities and associated costs for the DC, birthday presents for friends, school trips ect. I also pay for any days out and have begun planning them for his work days so I don't have to pay for him, too. If there's something the DC want to do and I say I can't afford it, he has never once offered to pay.

I found a letter from his work this morning which said he earned £47,000 last year I'm being taken for a mug, aren't I?

What is he spending the rest of the money on? Assuming he takes home around 2.8k he has a lot of spare cash. does he still have debt?

Does he still have debts? How much maintenance does he pay?
Have you asked him where all his money goes?

No he cleared all debts when I was paying for everything and he was staying at his mum's. He pays £150 in maintenance and £350 into his pension. He always says he is broke. Officially he's always said he earned £35k so I was shocked to see it was so much more. Though I have been having his DC more to facilitate him working some extra. Unfortunately I just don't see any benefit from it and now I'm the one in debt.

Tell him you need more from him. Especially for the kids.
His normal wage might be 35k and the rest bonuses.

When I started receiving child benefit for our child he wanted to reduce the shopping money by the same amount. He won't give me more. Now I'm pregnant and can't even afford maternity clothes and he knows I'm uncomfortable but unless I buy them on my credit card nothing is going to change.

We have everything joint. Total access to everything and transparency on both sides. Including when I was a SAHM.

If you aren't married, you are in a very vulnerable situation as a SAHM. Either get married or go back to work.

Your being taken for a mug. He should be paying half of at least all his kids Xmas and bday presents! And be giving you more money.

If you're the stay at home parent with no other income, all money should be family money. You should have a joint account where you can both access money. Sit him down and together do a spread sheet of all the incomings and outgoings and then work out what you can both have to spend. You should have the same money spare after bills are paid, including debt. DP and I pay of each other's debt, we're a partnership

Yes you're being taken for a mug.

Do up a spreadsheet and sit him down so you can both fill it in and he can't hide.

My boyfriend and I don't have a joint bank account but our finances are shared 100%.

Everything should be transparent with you as a SAHP.

I have absolutely no income most of the time (I work occasionally for my mother when needs must), everything is earned by DH. It was very important to both of us that I never felt like I need to 'ask' him before I bought something, or that we had 'his' money and 'my' money.

I personally would feel very uncomfortable in your situation, especially as you aren't married.

He "gives" you £350?
Fuck that.
My fiancé moves in next year, and I outearn him 4x.
I would be heartbroken if he said or felt that I "gave" him money.
And I'd never lie about my earnings to him

And I'd challenge that he isn't good with managing money...

He got you to pay off his debts.
He's got you running the household on minimal amounts.
He's keeping the rest.
And he's paying very little maintenance for his chidren because you are caring for them.

He's pretty fucking good with money, actually

He says he'd be happy to get married any day which is why I think he thinks it's okay. But obviously he wouldn't wany to spend any money on the wedding to make it an occasion for the DC which he knows puts me off. It also doesn't help that he provides very little practically as well as financially.

It really got my goat today because we went away at the weekend for one of his DCs birthday and loads of people were commenting on the FB post he made saying what an ace dad he is for organising it all and working so hard to pay for it when in reality he did neither.

I would 100% not be happy with this arrangement!! Where's the rest of his money going?!

It sounds like you've given a lot up to make his life easier and he thinking it's acceptable to give you what I think is a very tight budget.

Like yourself, I helped my DP clear his debts before we moved in. I spent all of my savings paying his credit cards and car finance and then the deposit for our house. The second we moved in together all of our money goes into the same pot and we're entitled to whatever we need out of that. It will remain the same when I go on mat leave next month (he earns the most)

You need to tell him straight that this is unacceptable.

Lottie didn't he reply in Facebook and say "Lottie did all the hard work"? That's what my DH would have done.

Tell him you're going to go back to work and then how much it's going to cost in childcare fees.

Nope he happily takes the credit.

I can't go back to work, Rex. There are no jobs here, I can't afford a car, I'm pregnant. I'm totally stuck.

Everything is joint
I am a sahm
My dhs work and my other caring commitments mean working outside the home is very difficult for me and would be NMW which tbh isn't worth the hassle for our family atm

You need to have a serious conversation with him then about your finances and legal position (ie Marriage)

I don't want to marry him just because of the money aspect. I don't think things would change day to day, only if we divorced would they be better for me. I'm not happy in other areas of our relationship either so I'm reluctant to get married.

I agree with you - the last thing you should do is marry this liar.

We don't have joint finances and I'm a sahm too. Dh pays all expenses and bills, and tops up my account, which works for us. The amount he tops up is fairly substantial so I'm never left asking for money. So I think it's the lying and lack of willingness to share that is the problem, not whether finances are fully joint.

Can you hunt around the house when he is at work and see if you can find any more of his financial paperwork? If he has a computer at home you could go through his emails and files and see if there is anything on there? I think you need to know the truth. Often when men hide finances it is because they are spending it on the OW.

This is not good OP
Basically he is using you as cheap childcare and live in housekeeper.
He either changes his ways or you and your dc leave.
You would probably be better off on your own.
What value does he place on your relationship if he doesn't treat you well financially?
As for the money he does give you - it's a pittance.
Sorry OP but you need to take control.

It frustrates me that I literally would have to say to give me more money or I'll leave. He should wany to see his children have nice days out, he should see I can't afford maternity clothes or shoes and do something about it rather than ignoring it. It's like this in every aspect of our relationship - unless I specifically tell him what to do or not to do, he won't change anything even when it's clearly not working.