Do you and your partner share finances?

[LottieG100]

We have been together for ten years, moved in together after seven years because of complications with jobs, respective children and finances. He was left in a bad state financially after his divorce. I worked and studied for a degree and paid for 85% of everything on days out and any holidays. So effectively, I feel I helped him pay off all his debts.

I became a SAHM when our DD was born two years ago because we have no support and DP works unpredictable hours plus we are in a rural location due to his job. I look after his two DC regularly so altogether I care for five children. Before I moved in, there was talk of me managing finances because of him being rubbish previously but that has not happened. He gives me £350 each month for food while he pays rent (£375) utilities and minimal maintenance because I have his DC a lot. I receive maintenance for my DC and child benefit. Out of these I have to pay my phone bill, pay off our sofa, a store card, my credit card, buy all clothes, shoes, birthday and Christmas presents for the DC. As well as pay for any groups or activities and associated costs for the DC, birthday presents for friends, school trips ect. I also pay for any days out and have begun planning them for his work days so I don't have to pay for him, too. If there's something the DC want to do and I say I can't afford it, he has never once offered to pay.

I found a letter from his work this morning which said he earned £47,000 last year I'm being taken for a mug, aren't I?

Every day it's getting too late. Take charge of improving things now don't delay. We agreed joint from beginning and all income is seen as joint.

I met DP. We decided we wanted to be together. We pooled all our income. Some times he was the higher earner, some times it was me. Some times I earned nothing, sometimes he earned nothing. But it didn't matter. We were equal partners. It's been like that for forty years, through thick and thin, long may it continue

Why don't you do it in one fell swoop then?
"The financial situation is unfair. Joint finances or I leave.' There's no reason you should have to ask him for money. It's just a form of control in this case. (Does work for some, but not if you're unhappy with it.)

He's not 'bad with money'.......he's financially abusive and the sooner you realise that the better.

Or.....bill him monthly invoices for the work that you do that would otherwise have to be covered by someone else.....housework, housekeeping, admin, childcare and make sure you charge him the full rate that a 'professional' would.

Until you acknowledge that what you do is actually an unpaid job nothing will change much.

I would suggest a joint account with joint access where all family money gets paid into. This would be the account ALL your household bills/savings come out from.
The remainder should be split equally 50/50 into your personal accounts for personal spends.

You do realise if you split up tomorrow you would be up shit creek?

He's chosen to lie to you about one of the most important things in a relationship - and don't be a fool to believe his spiel about being shafted in his divorce - he was probably financially abusive in that relationship too.

You need to give yourself more respect if you want to be treated right.
What would happen if you refused to look after the step-dc and stopped playing martyr?
You would soon see his real colours....for fucks sake he doesn't even really give a shit about his own kids!

He's been taking you for a mug - and unless you want this to be your life forever - you need to give your head a wobble now.