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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this supposed to be nice?

42 replies

blueflower30 · 30/05/2017 13:39

Hello all. I received some messages from DP and i am not sure if this is supposed to be nice or what. He can be emotionally abusive and he will rage over small things , so a nice night can turn to a nightmare if you say the wrong thing. Lately every time i disagree or i dont like something he will get angry and in addition to everything else he will assassinate my character and find something wrong with the relationship. I am this and that and the other and he is tired of the relationship, i am not normal , he is close to leave etc etc. I feel that i never know what will trigger him as it can be something as simple as i didnt want to play videogames with him or i said something nice about someone he doesnt like etc. Yesterday he made some decisions that i dont agree with but because i did not want to trigger his rage i just suggested that if possible to stop talking about it, the decisions are made so no point talking. Later i received some messages along the lines that "he loves me and he chose me for a reason and even if i made him angry and mad he still loves me". I am so tired of him and these sort of comments (i perceived it as negative) and i asked him if he is happy in the relationship as he was at the beginning. He replied that he is but "if i want to see it i will have to treat him better". I swear all i do is love him and be nice but its never enough. I am so confused i dont know if those messages are supposed to mean something nice or what

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 30/05/2017 13:43

He's an abusive cunt.

catsofa · 30/05/2017 13:46

He is abusive. Leave him and run for the hills.

Creatureofthenight · 30/05/2017 13:46

He is saying he'll be happy if you do what he says and don't disagree with him. He's not being nice, he's being a twat. An abusive twat.

woundedbutwalking · 30/05/2017 13:46

Relationships are supposed to be nice, yours isn't. LTB

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/05/2017 13:49

You will never be able to please Him op as he will forever move the goalposts

He is abusive and you do nothing to deserve his wrath, get out before he destroys you

MusicToMyEars800 · 30/05/2017 13:51

I don't normally say this but, LTB!! he is abusive, 'he chose you for a reason' Why's that? because he can bully you and be abusive! Like you should feel privileged he chose you to treat in this way. You deserve better than to be treated this way Flowers

iffikitty · 30/05/2017 13:52

Make the poor man happy, put him out of his misery, spare him the awfulness of your company, set him free. Today if possible.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 13:58

What those messages and everything else say in loud flashing letters is:

this man is an abusive bastard

just like all the replies above also say.

Please - it sounds like you don't have children - please, please walk away. Now. Don't stay with a man like this. He will ruin your life.

No, relationships shouldn't be like this. Love definitely isn't like this. He's a cunt and he is treating you like shit.

AdaColeman · 30/05/2017 14:05

He is sending you those little fragments of nice messages to pull you back into his power. He's hoping that the pleasant stuff will make you try harder to please him and so make it easier for him to control you.

But you will never please him enough, he will always find fault with you even if he has to bring up events from long ago. He needs to keep you frightened so that you do as he says.

He is a horrible man, and you need to plan to leave him as soon as possible.

Run, run for the hills and don't look back!

Mysterycat23 · 30/05/2017 14:05

Not normal OP. Run away

XxStefxX · 30/05/2017 14:07

Yep- head fucking abusive cunt

MyfatheristheKing · 30/05/2017 14:08

That is not nice. He is very abusive. You need to get out now. Do you live together and do you have children?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/05/2017 14:12

No, there is nothing nice about any of that.
Give him the gift of your absence. He can use someone else for his ego supply.

Also, please understand that you do not make him angry. Anger is a choice that he is making himself. He is using anger as a control tactic. It is a power play. The only answer, as you hinted at above, is to not play the "game". This does not mean be silent, invisible, in the relationship; it means leave the relationship. That is the only answer that will preserve your mental (and could develop to be physical) health.

twofingerstoEverything · 30/05/2017 14:15

LTB. He is abusive.

seafoodeatit · 30/05/2017 14:18

You deserve someone that isn't an abusive bastard, please leave, people like this only get worse and more controlling.

WingsofNylon · 30/05/2017 14:20

He is manipulating you. Please get yourself away from this awful man.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 30/05/2017 14:21

Yep an abusive twat. However at the risk of " victim blaming" going along with his decisions even though you don't agree and then asking to stop talking about it, is annoying behaviour.
I realise you are doing this to not to provoke his temper and if you are too scared to speak your mind then that is a great big EXIT sign. But what happens if you do actually have a big argument?

polkadotsrock · 30/05/2017 14:22

You know those messages are not nice and try as you might you will never 'change' or 'please' him because that's all in his power and instead of using that to improve himself he's using it to destroy you. Just leave, like you know you should. Be brave.

MikeUniformMike · 30/05/2017 14:25

OP, you are not right for each other. You need to leave him. Now.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 30/05/2017 14:25

Actually just re read the bit where " you have to treat him better". So not different communication styles then - he's just a dickhead.

Clandestino · 30/05/2017 14:25

He is an absolute abusive cunt and you need to see it and leave him.
Please get support. Get counselling how to move from an emotionally abusive relationship. Get help building up your confidence so he doesn't break you again.
Just be certain that he will try to get you back because he will not want to lose a well-trained target. Breaking someone isn't easy, handling a broken person is much more fun for an abuser because they don't have to spend much effort on mental games.
He's playing you. He's enjoying your uncertainty and the fact that you are questioning yourself. Get away from him and break any contact. Block him completely.

MrsExpo · 30/05/2017 14:27

I agree with the above. He's an abusive control freak and you need to leave. (Listen to me talking ...!! I have a very similar issue ..). Talking to a good, recently divorced friend about my own DHs behaviour, s he recommended I read a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I am now reading it and its a great insight into this type of behaviour and I'm finding it a real help in trying to get my head round where to go from here. Have a look OP ..... but still work towards removing yourself from this man's influence.

Brogadoccio · 30/05/2017 14:28

even if you make him angry and mad he chose you ??

Wow.

MAJOR GASLIGHT RED FLAG ALERT

He is not nice. He wants you to be a nervous wreck figuring out how to please him better, when as you say in your post, you do nothing but love and care for him.

Please turn that love and care inwards and take care of yourself and your own interests by removing your presence from this arsehole's life.

bananafish · 30/05/2017 14:33

I think that people forget (for lots of perfectly good reasons, but still) that relationships should make you feel good. Happy, loved, secure. You should want to spend time with the person because they make your life enjoyable. If you're not getting that - then what is the point?

You have to work out if it is worth your time to stay with this man and figure out how to decipher his moods and do what he considers he right thing and please him and maybe then he'll be 'nice' to you?

I don't know - sounds like a lot of hard work for very little reward to me. You might want to think about why you're interested in doing it. The freedom programme is a good start.

There are perfectly nice men out there who are not abusive fuckwits.

Maybe choose one of them Flowers

lanouvelleheloise · 30/05/2017 14:40

It's a kind of negging, really. By telling you that you are flawed underneath, but he loves you anyway, he's undermining your confidence while getting you to seek and value his approval. I suggest that instead of doing so, you kick his ass.