is this supposed to be nice?

[blueflower30]

Hello all. I received some messages from DP and i am not sure if this is supposed to be nice or what. He can be emotionally abusive and he will rage over small things , so a nice night can turn to a nightmare if you say the wrong thing. Lately every time i disagree or i dont like something he will get angry and in addition to everything else he will assassinate my character and find something wrong with the relationship. I am this and that and the other and he is tired of the relationship, i am not normal , he is close to leave etc etc. I feel that i never know what will trigger him as it can be something as simple as i didnt want to play videogames with him or i said something nice about someone he doesnt like etc. Yesterday he made some decisions that i dont agree with but because i did not want to trigger his rage i just suggested that if possible to stop talking about it, the decisions are made so no point talking. Later i received some messages along the lines that "he loves me and he chose me for a reason and even if i made him angry and mad he still loves me". I am so tired of him and these sort of comments (i perceived it as negative) and i asked him if he is happy in the relationship as he was at the beginning. He replied that he is but "if i want to see it i will have to treat him better". I swear all i do is love him and be nice but its never enough. I am so confused i dont know if those messages are supposed to mean something nice or what

[Charley50]

As others have said, you need to end this torture, I mean 'relationship,' but do it safely. He won't let you go easily so you need to involve friends, family, police, women's aid, don't try and do it alone because tbh he sounds like a psycho who is close to hurting you physically.

[Seeingadistance]

Oh, my goodness!

I am so glad you are not living with this horrible, abusive man, and that you have been able to see him for who he is and get support here.

Please, end this relationship as soon, and as safely as you can. Contact Women's Aid who'll be able to give you practical advice and support.

You don't have to live like this.

[tempname11]

He sounds horrible and completely controlling. I know it is really hard to end a relationship but you need to be strong and finish it.
I too was in a relationship with someone equally as controlling, which I put up with for about five years. The only reason I completely ended it with him was after he got in a complete rage and head butted me in the face - really hard it actually knocked me to the floor. (Of course he said it was my fault for winding him up). Even after that he kept phoning/ getting his parents to phone me to say he was sorry. He used to hang around outside my house and work, follow me home, stalking me wherever I went etc. I just completely ignored him where possible, called the police when he tried to get into my house through a window and got emotional support from a domestic abuse service and a counsellor through my GP. Please don't let your situation get this bad.
That was eleven years ago and I am in a relationship with a nice man now

[Brogadoccio]

He sounds like my x.

He is training you to meet all of his needs, instantly and without question and to never have needs of your own.

By the time you end this, you will lie awake tossing and turning because you acutely feel what he feels (self-pity, rage, indignance, martyrdom, disappointment in you, confirmation that all women let him down...........) ie, all of his feelings will do laps in your head drowning out your own feelings and it'll take months before you have enough clarity to realise what you feel.

To boil it down to simple terms, if you had 6 months to live would you spend it with him. That question which popped in to my head helped me decide to leave my awful x.

Do you feel happy, relaxed and cherished around him? I'm guessing the answer is no. I felt like a tightly wound stressed out loser when I was with my x

[LovesPeace]

There is so much dread hidden in your posts.

Leave him, let him be happy without you being around to anger, annoy or disrespect him (all bullshit anyway) and enjoy a carefree and relaxed summer on your own or dating nice men.

[Outdoorsy5644]

He is NOT nice. LTB.

[Notmyrealname85]

And yeah he's basically saying "you're worthless but don't worry, I sort of tolerate you", and "I'm angry because you make me angry"

Erm why is he not a fully functioning adult like the rest of us? I truly don't think people like this can reform, he's a callous monster and these are only the early stages of what he'd do to you. The "why" behind his actions - it's not your problem. You're not here to pull him through life.

I think cunt is the right word for this creep

Also... I fell into the trap of feeling pride - pride that I'd managed to get an apology from my EA ex. Pride that I had the power to change him - when he'd been saying I was worthless, suddenly I had the power! And his apology was so sincere - so night and day compared to his abuse. All of it lies!!! It was a trap to keep things constantly up and down so he could still keep me. I wasted years like this. The horror of having someone so unloving and hateful towards you, it's so hard to recover. Get out while you can, please

[Notmyrealname85]

Give yourself a very big pat on the back for being able to identify someone being EA right in the midst of it You deserve love and respect - he is a certifiable 100% toxic person and trust me when I say it would only get so so much worse, until you can't get out. If this were happening to a friend of yours you'd be pleading with them to run - I'm wishing you so much love and luck in getting rid of this troll and recovering your life. Do not feel awkward at being bloody tricked into an abusive situation - they make the whole thing very subtle and go slowly to begin with. If you met him for the first time and he'd acted like this you would've run a mile or more!

Your decent man is out there - don't waste anymore time with this freak. If you feel unsafe at any time, please tell a trusted group of friends all of this so they can help you move any stuff he's left at yours out and so they know how to deal with him. Keep it neutral with him and cut all contact - don't give him any more material to use against you

People like this are like bloody monsters - give them anything and they'll swallow it up and double on their energies against you, he'll relish finding anything to use to contact you with or comment about you on. Get your team of mates ready and walk away from this with your head held high xxx

[Atenco]

It is all about him, isn't it? He's not the slightest bit interested in you apart from how you can make him happy.

[Finola1step]

I never use the word Cunt. Never. But for this piece of shite, I'll make an exception. He is a top grade cunt. But one who isn't very bright as he is rather too transparent to be a clever, abusive cunt. No, he's your bog standard cunt.

Get rid.

[rightsofwomen]

OP you sound lovely. I am so glad you don't have children together, because even if you were able to break the ties between the two of you, you would always have to communicate about the children.

That's where I find myself now. He still abuses me, using our DS2 as a pawn.

It's not your fault, but now it's up to you to be strong, have confidence and end it.

MN will support you (as they have me). Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to?

[guinnessgirl]

Oh OP. My heart breaks for you. This is not OK. The way he is treating you is abusive, he was nice initially to suck you in. What you're seeing now is who he really is. Please, please don't go ahead with him moving in with you. LTB. You deserve so much better x

[AdaColeman]

Oh my goodness, for heavens sake don't live with him whatever you do. Leave him ASAP.

[Hissy]

he is planning to move with me in few months

oh about the worst idea ever... you think he's bad NOW???

He is probably th reason you have no support too, types like him usually are.

Be brave, get rid of him and you will see your life improve.

Please don't stay with an abuser. they never change and you deserve better. Yes, you REALLY DO!!

[blueflower30]

Thank you all so much for the replies. I feel as if i have lost my ability to think clearly and i need confirmation even for the most obvious situations like this one. I wasnt like this at the start of the relationship, i was happy and confident . He was very different at the beginning, i was his world and his everything, i was all he needed (his words). After couple months he started changing and getting into fits of rage over things i couldn't understand . I was numb and confused and he would leave or threaten me to stop talking because "i got him to his limit" (over the silliest of things, for example everything would be great and then i d call him 3 minutes later than what he asked and that would cause him raging and blaming me for ruining the day and bringing this to myself by not love him enough because he made time for me and i didnt respect it). I have literally hundreds of examples like this.Doing some research i guess he made it all look perfect so he can control me by making me believe that i am the reason i lost all that. Reading what i write as if it was about someone else i feel horrified and i know some people dont understand but he broke me. Remembering at the beginning of the relationship he would ask me about myself and my fears, in hindsight i guess he was doing it so he can use it against me. I will read the book that you recommend and i will have a look on the freedom program. For those who ask, we dont have kids and he is planning to move with me in few months. Of course this is not a good idea. Also someone mentions that its annoying if i agree with him and then ask him to stop talking about it . You should be through this to realize that you will agree because you will do anything not to provoke rage (example, once i told him that i dont agree with his decision over the phone and i heard a loud smashing noise, he got so angry because i disagreed and he smashed the table in front of him braking it). And the reason i asked not to talk about his decision is because his decision was upsetting me and i knew if he carried on talking i would end up saying something and then the rage would come. Again thank you all so much for the replies, i have no support around me and your support helps me

[dailydance]

Sounds like my ex. Abusive, manipulative, controlling. Get away from him - it will only get worse. You will feel so much better and have much more clarity within a few months of leaving. No more rules, no more controlling, no more confusion and you'll find your self-worth again

[rightsofwomen]

Sent a shiver down my spine.

Been there, done that, out of it but still picking myself up.

He wants you to be confused, but read what you wrote as if you were someone else.

It's hard, I know.

[lanouvelleheloise]

It's a kind of negging, really. By telling you that you are flawed underneath, but he loves you anyway, he's undermining your confidence while getting you to seek and value his approval. I suggest that instead of doing so, you kick his ass.

[bananafish]

I think that people forget (for lots of perfectly good reasons, but still) that relationships should make you feel good. Happy, loved, secure. You should want to spend time with the person because they make your life enjoyable. If you're not getting that - then what is the point?

You have to work out if it is worth your time to stay with this man and figure out how to decipher his moods and do what he considers he right thing and please him and maybe then he'll be 'nice' to you?

I don't know - sounds like a lot of hard work for very little reward to me. You might want to think about why you're interested in doing it. The freedom programme is a good start.

There are perfectly nice men out there who are not abusive fuckwits.
Maybe choose one of them

[Brogadoccio]

even if you make him angry and mad he chose you ??

Wow.

MAJOR GASLIGHT RED FLAG ALERT

He is not nice. He wants you to be a nervous wreck figuring out how to please him better, when as you say in your post, you do nothing but love and care for him.

Please turn that love and care inwards and take care of yourself and your own interests by removing your presence from this arsehole's life.

[MrsExpo]

I agree with the above. He's an abusive control freak and you need to leave. (Listen to me talking ...!! I have a very similar issue ..). Talking to a good, recently divorced friend about my own DHs behaviour, s he recommended I read a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I am now reading it and its a great insight into this type of behaviour and I'm finding it a real help in trying to get my head round where to go from here. Have a look OP ..... but still work towards removing yourself from this man's influence.

[Clandestino]

He is an absolute abusive cunt and you need to see it and leave him.
Please get support. Get counselling how to move from an emotionally abusive relationship. Get help building up your confidence so he doesn't break you again.
Just be certain that he will try to get you back because he will not want to lose a well-trained target. Breaking someone isn't easy, handling a broken person is much more fun for an abuser because they don't have to spend much effort on mental games.
He's playing you. He's enjoying your uncertainty and the fact that you are questioning yourself. Get away from him and break any contact. Block him completely.

[Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit]

Actually just re read the bit where " you have to treat him better". So not different communication styles then - he's just a dickhead.

[MikeUniformMike]

OP, you are not right for each other. You need to leave him. Now.

[polkadotsrock]

You know those messages are not nice and try as you might you will never 'change' or 'please' him because that's all in his power and instead of using that to improve himself he's using it to destroy you. Just leave, like you know you should. Be brave.