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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a lunatic? Perspective needed

47 replies

KeyChange · 28/05/2017 22:34

Ex cheated, left last year and it's been awful for me. He got engaged to OW within weeks, stopped paying child support for a few months, offers no parenting support beyond his fortnightly access. Meanwhile me and the OW had a spat via text and completely detest one another.

Because he's a cheater to the core, he tries it on with me when he drops off DC.

This is the lunatic bit...

I've been recording him trying it on. I have filmed him kissing me and suggesting we go to bed. I've let him kiss me purely so I can record him.

My fantasy is that I send the footage to her as a wedding present. She has been cheated on by her last husband. In some ways I'd be doing her a favour. But of course I'm motivated by revenge.

Is this idiotic? I sort of like having the knowledge and proof - I'm not even sure I would send it but I keep collecting it. I'm also aware that this isn't the behaviour of someone who is moving on :-/

OP posts:
ChicRock · 28/05/2017 22:38

Stop kidding yourself that you have let him kiss you purely so you can record it.

I'm surprised you can stand to let him breathe the same air as you let alone have his hands all over you.

How degrading. You're doing yourself more damage than you'll ever do to him or the OW.

Hmmmwhyisthat · 28/05/2017 22:38

Wow he sounds like a real piece of work Sad

Don't do it OP. Take the high road, stop fooling around with him and move on.

Anothernewnn · 28/05/2017 22:40

Oh OP, I sympathise so much with you.
HOWEVER, please do not get involved. Move on with the knowledge that you are the winner in all of this.

Patriciathestripper1 · 28/05/2017 22:41

Omg, what a great wedding gift for them.
And he is a pure sleaze bag and you are well rid of him.

ginswinger · 28/05/2017 22:42

By all means do it but stash it somewhere and then delete when you are feeling less raw. He's an awful man and she sounds equally dreadful but probably best they are together and not annoying other people.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2017 22:43

You bloody idiot for letting a man bring you so low

Find ypur self respect where you buried it and cut him off. Bitch fighting over a bloke with the ow is beyond grim.

ExplodedCloud · 28/05/2017 22:46

You've got your evidence now so don't do it again. And don't tell her, she won't believe you.

mactavish · 28/05/2017 22:46

You're not a lunatic, you've been very badly hurt by someone.
It's hard to let go and think of other things but the sooner you can the better. Just keep trying to do that, it's ok if you slip up occasionally but keep trying to let go and move on.
There aren't any winners here anyway.

Pestilentialone · 28/05/2017 22:48

Yep, you are heading into lunatic territory.

Pull up your big girl pants and concentrate on looking after your LO. They need you because they have a wanker for a dad. You need you.

Walk away from the lunacy.

Original poster
KeyChange · 28/05/2017 22:51

I do know that it is ridiculous. I can't bring myself to tell anyone in real life - which shows I know it's wrong.

I'm so bloody angry at what the pair of them put me through, it felt like a "fuck your bollocks relationship" to them. :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
KeyChange · 28/05/2017 22:58

Right. Thanks everyone. Camera is getting binned. I'll stop this nonsense.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 28/05/2017 23:00

And just delete the "evidence" too.

Longer you have it the more you'll want to use it.

Retain your self respect OP.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2017 23:01

Yes, you really should stop

Cease all contact with him and let the two toxic lovebirds burn themselves out

You will not move on unless you stop hating him. The opposite of love is indifference.

Anothernewnn · 28/05/2017 23:02

Actually mactavish, the OP is a winner. She's got rid of a cheating partner and is finding the strength to move be forward. Don't underestimate that.

josuk · 28/05/2017 23:44

Can i play a devil's advocate here...
Let's assume for a moment that OW had been told some lies by the Ex.
Or, let's assume she is someone we don't hate.
Or, it's a good friend, who has been cheated on before.

Would she rather not know? Would I rather not know, if i were in her place.

It almost doesn't matter how the evidence came to being recorded. All it matters - it exists.

And a few years down the line - she'll have kids with him, as he'll do it again and move on.

I don't think it's quite as b/w as most of the posters make it.

Movingin2017 · 28/05/2017 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan · 29/05/2017 05:03

Although she's behaved deplorably (if she knew she was the OW), she does deserve to know he's trying it on with you. Unfortunately, she'll find some way to blame it all on you and he'll continue to get away with his behaviour. (I'd be sorely tempted to send it to her, so she could know how it feels to be cheated on!)

Chloe84 · 29/05/2017 05:10

How are you recording these kisses? CCTV or strategically placed cam?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2017 05:22

God it's Si so tempting. But don't do it. You'll regret it.

caffelatte100 · 29/05/2017 05:46

I would tell OW, show her the footage if she doesn't believe you. But NOT on their wedding day, that's too much!

user1486915549 · 29/05/2017 05:46

Oh well it's just me then.... I would tell her he tries it on every time he drops DC off and can she ask him to stop. If she calls me a lying cow I would tell her I have filmed it.
If I was about to marry someone I would want to know.

user1486915549 · 29/05/2017 05:50

Oh well it's just me then !..... I would tell OW he tries it on every time he drops DC off and ask her to tell him to stop.if she called me a lying cow I would tell her I had recorded it.
If I was about to marry someone I would want to know.

rizlett · 29/05/2017 05:55

But none of this is about you op - they are just twats with no morals. Plenty of people like that about. Maybe your time with him was for you to learn how to recognise one - so you avoid it next time.

Their time together also is nothing to do with you - irrespective of what you know - leave them to it - she needs her time with him to learn what a twat he is too.

Tell her if you like - but do you want to spend your life thinking, planning and doing stuff that makes other people miserable (including yourself) or do you want to choose to focus and find positive things and people.

All the time you continue to let him do this you're just standing in the shitty crap pond with him.

diodati · 29/05/2017 05:59

Such temptation! Almost justifiable,

HipsterRaccoon · 29/05/2017 06:00

Surely better revenge is letting her get on with it and eventually find out she's married another tosser? While you've moved on with your life and are happier than either of them. Sounds like you've been through a horrendous ordeal, it will get better.

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