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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a lunatic? Perspective needed

47 replies

KeyChange · 28/05/2017 22:34

Ex cheated, left last year and it's been awful for me. He got engaged to OW within weeks, stopped paying child support for a few months, offers no parenting support beyond his fortnightly access. Meanwhile me and the OW had a spat via text and completely detest one another.

Because he's a cheater to the core, he tries it on with me when he drops off DC.

This is the lunatic bit...

I've been recording him trying it on. I have filmed him kissing me and suggesting we go to bed. I've let him kiss me purely so I can record him.

My fantasy is that I send the footage to her as a wedding present. She has been cheated on by her last husband. In some ways I'd be doing her a favour. But of course I'm motivated by revenge.

Is this idiotic? I sort of like having the knowledge and proof - I'm not even sure I would send it but I keep collecting it. I'm also aware that this isn't the behaviour of someone who is moving on :-/

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 08:35

Right. Thanks everyone. Camera is getting binned. I'll stop this nonsense

Too right. Don't lose your credibility, self respect & dignity over this numbnut.

Focus your energy on yourself, rather than trying to destroy them

LedaP · 29/05/2017 08:44

If you are going to send her it. Do it before the wedding. Doing it as a wedding present is just beyond nasty.

He is a lying fuck. Do you really think she knows the whole truth?

You are destroying yourself in this process. Why would you let him kiss you?

Please get some help OP. This is really not healthy.

Ship0fFools · 29/05/2017 08:50

I would tell her now. Say you have proof and will keep it until their wedding day and then delete it.

Ship0fFools · 29/05/2017 08:51

Obviously stop the kissing and filming as of now. You have enough evidence should she want it.

Original poster

KeyChange · 29/05/2017 09:12

I told her in the early days. She just thought I was bullshitting. So I got a camera.

But then once I had the film I thought about how difficult it might be parenting with someone I'd done that to. Plus if they didn't split up I'd be send DC off to stay with two people I'd done that to.

I know she's away this week. He has hinted at coming to see me. That's what prompted my post here. It would be prime "do you know what your fiancée us up to" material. However you're all right - my self respect is more important than petty revenge. I'll tell him to stop treating me like an OW.

I won't tell her. She won't believe me. I think even if she saw the film she'd convince herself it was all my fault. It'd be better if they implode from within, as I'm sure they will.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 29/05/2017 09:24

If you are going to do it, do it now so she can actually make an informed choice about staying with him. To leave it till her wedding day is beyond cruel.

Funnyonion17 · 29/05/2017 09:27

This is fucking stupid. This man cheats and you focus on ruining her?! So what if you ruin her happiness. It won't make you happy

Nancy91 · 29/05/2017 09:29

I would tell her (now) that you have proof rather than send it to her, and if she wants to see then show her.

I would actually appreciate you doing that rather then letting me marry an absolute arsehole!

RockyBird · 29/05/2017 09:33

You've already told her. She doesn't believe you.

Let her marry a cheating scum bag. Don't send it on the wedding day maybe after the honeymoon though (only part joking)

Puffpaw · 29/05/2017 09:36

I think you are right to remember your children in all of this. Get rid of the film, start focussing on your life and your future, without him at the centre of it. Living well is the best revenge.

noova61 · 29/05/2017 09:42

For me theres 2 choices...
Tell him youve recorded him trying it on with you, as youve got security cameras indoors and outside (although I think it might be illegal)
OR
Simply tell him to back the fuck off, you dont want her sloppy seconds, then rise above your feelings and be the better person.....

Original poster

KeyChange · 29/05/2017 09:44

Yes I really hate her.

I suppose with him I figured I had to find a way of being civil for DC sake, so I worked at it.

With her I don't really care so still just plain hate her.

But friends and family often remind me it was him who cheated not her. God knows what bull he has told her in the process.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 29/05/2017 09:45

I'd show her but then I think it's well deserved.

MyheartbelongstoG · 29/05/2017 09:49

I would absolutely send it on her wedding day.

Frizziee · 29/05/2017 09:56

I can absolutely see the desire for revenge but in the long run I think you would feel better mentally if you rise above. Don't send the video, don't kiss him, be civil with all party's and eventually karma will come round to kick them both up the backside and you can sit back in quiet smugness enjoying every minute whilst being glad you got out while you did!!!

laurzj82 · 29/05/2017 09:57

I would totally do it. But before the wedding. Too much.

My best friend is in a similar situation although she doesn't have a video. Lots of very incriminating texts. I have no idea how she has found the restraint to not tell her.

mimishimmi · 29/05/2017 09:57

I wouldn't tell her. I'd let her have him 😅 You would be helping her dodge a bullet if you showed her and she knew he was cheating on you.

ShapelyBingoWing · 29/05/2017 10:13

I'd message her:

Hi X. I want to stop all this catty nonsense and move on as it's not doing either of us any good. I wouldn't feel right not letting you know though that every time he's here for the kids, he tries it on with me and kisses me. Though it's not my proudest moment at all, at one point I filmed it because I just knew you'd say I was being a bitter ex. If you want to see it, please let me know. I hope you make the right decision for you."

Stop letting him keep you on the bench in case he still wants a bit extra. Have more self respect than that. His time at your door (not in your home) should be strictly an exchange of care for yoyr children.

Keep the footage in case she asks for it. Delete it if she doesn't. Get rid of the camera. Stop blaming her for what he did...destroying a woman on her wedding day would make you the very definition of a twisted ex.

sleepingdragons · 29/05/2017 11:17

If you didn't have kids I'd say do it. But like you say you have to coparent with him.

Going suddenly cold on his advances and him having no idea why will have to do!

It's not in your own interests to put this particular bomb into your co-parenting relationship.

Move on, leave him behind and make yourself happy - that's the best revenge.

I'd keep them just in case though ...

Peanutbuttercheese · 29/05/2017 12:20

Well if you really hate her then your best revenge is her marrying him and you living your life well.

Adora10 · 29/05/2017 12:21

Just don't, you hate her but allow him to paw you so you can get video evidence that he's a cheat, everyone knows that already no?

If you are sharing childcare with this arsehole then keep the drama out of it; she will soon realise he's a knob, maybe she is too; it will just look incredibly spiteful and jealous if you send her that on her wedding day.

IonaNE · 29/05/2017 12:51

The bottom line is that you've let him kiss/paw you, so the first thing that happens is that you lose everyone's respect. The OW does not need more proof that he does not take romantic commitments seriously - after all they got together while he was still with you, didn't they? So what are you trying to prove with the footage?

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