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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I heard him say this through our bedroom door

27 replies

Pebbles1989 · 26/05/2017 13:01

"I am going to kill you." He also raised his fist to me and said that he hates me. I have asked him to leave today (it's my house) and told his parents to expect him.

I've been thinking about splitting for ages but it's so horribly painful.

I don't know why I'm posting - just wanted a hand hold, I guess.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 26/05/2017 13:16

Holding your hand. You're doing the right thing. It will hurt now, but better to get the pain over and done with now. If you take him back, it will hurt a lot more and a lot longer.

I remember being a small local carnival with my then H. He was doing the shooting game, when he turned the gun around and pretended to shoot me. He was laughing and passing it off as a joke, ha ha. But it brought home to me how much he resented me. He really didn't seem to like me at all. No pun intended by saying it was another nail in the coffin of our relationship.

There's no way your relationship can come back from this.

HebeJeeby · 26/05/2017 14:06

Another hand hold here. Has he gone yet? I hope you're ok and his reaction to you has shown that you've made the right decision to end things. Is it worth recording this incident with the police just in case he does turn nasty or threatens you again? In fact I think I would report it to the police and maybe a visit from them might make him think twice about stalking you etc.... At least he'd know you're not going to accept threats from him quietly. Wishing you all the best.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2017 17:07

File a police report and get him the fuck out of your house before he makes good on his threat.

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2017 17:09

File a police report. Definitely do this. And tbh I'd get an alarm system with some kind of CCTV and I would change the locks. Also tell his parents exactly what he's said - hopefully they will be able to talk sense into him.

Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 26/05/2017 22:31

He's left. He tried to call me hundreds of times this evening. I had to threaten him with the police to get him to stop.

I've spoken to my mum and a close friend, which has definitely helped. I just feel so dreadfully sad.

OP posts:
Lineyy · 26/05/2017 22:43

I expect you feel very shocked. But you did the right thing.

Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 26/05/2017 22:49

I am indeed very shocked. My mum reminded me that I am, and have always been, a very strong person. I know she is right; I just don't feel that way right now. I don't know how I managed to hold it together today in front of colleagues whose work I'm supervising, but I somehow did it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2017 22:50

I am so heartbroken for you, but you made the right decision. Please, and I know it's hard, but do NOT let him wiggle his way back in with sweet words and empty promises. Abusers are masters of deception and gaslighting. There are many things that can be forgiven, but him raising a hand to you and threatening to kill you is not forgivable. Ever. He allowed you to see who he really is, so please believe him. Report him to the police, change your locks and block him on your phone.

StrangeLookingParasite · 26/05/2017 22:53

Change the locks if it's at all possible, and stay safe.

Starlight2345 · 26/05/2017 22:55

Please at least log this with the police.. If it escalates it is documented and more likely to recognize the pattern.

Siwdmae · 26/05/2017 22:58

Echo logging this. Threats to kill are treated very seriously. Does he have MH problems?

cordeliavorkosigan · 26/05/2017 23:10

You're doing exactly he right thing! Awesome. Don't let him back ever. We're all behind you!

WillyWonkasChocolate · 26/05/2017 23:11

I would report to police. At least they will have a record if he keeps harassing you.

MsJudgemental · 26/05/2017 23:12

If you are not ready to go back to work on Tuesday then take the day off. You're mental health is important.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 23:18

Ach, you did it. You don't need this and you are a strong woman, you didn't take it. If you had you'd no longer be strong.

I always remember a senior police officer telling me being on domestic abuse was the job they all hated. They burnt thousands of man hours and the women would just say "but I love him, don't charge him" and more chillingly he said "these women are barely human anymore" .

Don't be that woman.you did the right thing, hand hold from me too.move on, it gets easier. Staying and you too will be the barely human person begging for him not to be charged for what he did to you,

Etymology23 · 26/05/2017 23:23

Good job, take the time to look after yourself you should be really proud.

On a practical note (if you can):

A) report - even if he never darkens your door again (hopefully!), it might save someone else if they enquire under Clare's law.

B) can you or someone else change the locks ? Lots it's easy to change the barrel, esp with the help of YouTube.

Shayelle · 27/05/2017 06:22

Thats really frightening. Dont let it be another Pistorious situation Sad do not ever let him back in x

Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 27/05/2017 11:37

My emotions are all over the place. I woke up feeling good this morning, really hopeful, but now feel like bursting into tears again.

A friend offered to visit me tonight and I'm going to take her up on it. It's so helpful being with other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 27/05/2017 19:18

He just turned up here and let himself in through the garden (I'd double-locked the front door). He begged me to talk and it was really upsetting. I had to scream at him and threaten the police again to get him to grab some of his things and leave. I went into the garden with my phone as I genuinely didn't want to be within reach of him.

I realised though that it's all about him - how he's going through hell, how "all he wants" is to talk to me, how "he'll do anything" to fix this. Nothing about me or what I must be going through.

I called a lovely friend of mine and he immediately set off to come and sit with me this evening. Thank God for my lovely friends and also the support from everyone on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 27/05/2017 19:20

I have also told his parents exactly what happened to make me throw him out. He has form for not telling them the whole truth and I don't want them to think I'm just being a bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 27/05/2017 19:22

Surprise surprise, his parents are defending him. I guess he hasn't threatened to kill them yet Hmm

OP posts:
Etymology23 · 27/05/2017 19:29

Oh dear, I don't really know what to suggest, except to really consider logging it with the police and change the locks. Sounds awful!

Original poster
Pebbles1989 · 27/05/2017 19:34

I am going to log it with the police. The friend coming round tonight is built like a brick shithouse, so that helps.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2017 19:34

WHO CARES what his family thinks. Why even be surprised? Abusers come from abusers. It's time to stand up for yourself and tell all of them to fuck off.

Millionsmom · 27/05/2017 19:39

His parents have spent a few years being groomed by him, I think it would be unusual for them to not defend him. Remember, they have to live with him from now on too. Let them think what they like, you need to be safe and not have to constantly worry about when he takes the next step. That was the worst part for me.

Keep strong, remember YOU know the truth, no matter how he spins it, he can't change it. And yes, it will always be about him.

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