Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you tolerate your DH choosing to work nights rather than days

39 replies

Routista · 19/05/2017 00:54

DH has chosen to work nights (4-5 a week) over daytimes. He has a choice. Nights are paid a tiny tiny bit better and he says that's the reason. Not better enough in my opinion. He's been doing it for years now.

I have 2 under 2 and work from home part time (no childcare.) this means that I do everything, because DH sleeps all day and works all night.

I am a strong person who puts up with a lot. But I don't want to be alone night after night. I am always sleeping alone. My life is dictated by him yet I hardly get a chance to speak to him. I want to share the responsibility, otherwise what's the point in being married and having DC's together.

Would you tolerate it?

OP posts:
flumpybear · 19/05/2017 01:11

I'd be getting childcare
During the day if you're working from home!
My DH works nights and he is available to pick up from school and does the evening routine whilst I cook when I get home from work - could you share like that?!

Cakedoesntjudge · 19/05/2017 01:41

I wouldn't be able to, especially if there was a choice. My ExDP sometimes had to work nights and I hated it. Sleeping alone made me feel like we were really distant.

I think it's all a matter of personal feelings though. Some people wouldn't have an issue with it, some people would. Does your DP know how unhappy you are about it?

Out2pasture · 19/05/2017 02:14

I know a few people who chose to do straight nights rather than rotating shift work. they slept better and liked the pace, the added money was also nice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2017 02:17

I worked nights for two years because I had to (immigration) in order to be with my DH. It was bloody awful and we were in that first flush of love with no children. Straight nights are better than shifts but still awful.

Why do you think he prefers nights (because you clearly don't think it's the money)?

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 19/05/2017 02:22

I work nights and prefer it. I'm not a morning person. Getting up at 7am and going off to work at that time is my idea of hell.

deuxmoulins · 19/05/2017 02:24

I wouldn't mind the nights if housework and other childcare was still shared fairly. That said I like sleeping alone!

Could the extra bit of money contribute towards some childcare whilst you're working?

VimFuego101 · 19/05/2017 02:33

I'd put up with if I had to, but the pay being 'a tiny tiny bit better' wouldn't be enough for me. Does he have other career options?

HeddaGarbled · 19/05/2017 06:37

Most people I know who work nights, don't sleep all day and are actually available for part of the day to spend more time with their children than people who work 9-5. For example, one dad sleeps until mid afternoon, then does the school run and has tea with the children before heading back to work.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2017 06:41

It's not just the fact that he works nights, is it, though? He's not doing any childcare or housework. It seems to me that the nights are a convenient excuse to check out of family life. Would he do more if he was working during the day instead?

And YY to the PP who said you need childcare if you're working part time.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 19/05/2017 06:45

what makes you think he is going to be a better husband if he changes to a normal shift?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 19/05/2017 07:37

Surely if he has done it for years then you knew what was going to happen when you decide to have two children quickly together?

He should be getting up in time to spend time with the children but if you work less hours than on the days he works it's fair that the bulk of the housework falls to the person at home. It should be shared in days where you are both there not working.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/05/2017 07:41

He's been doing it for years now.

So he was doing this before you had DC then?

I agree with others with regards to childcare and working from home.

wowbutter · 19/05/2017 07:48

You have two glaringly obvious issues, that I can see anyway.

First, he must have some nights off, I used to do four on four off when I did nights.
Second, he does not need to sleep all day. He needs to sleep say nine am til four on, giving him plenty of time to be present at home.

What are his shift times and patterns?

HearTheThunderRoar · 19/05/2017 08:17

My late DH worked nights (including weekends) for about 15 years through choice, my god it was awful when DD was young and she didn't sleep through as it was me all alone on the nights, then I would have to work all day. However it did have it's bonuses when DD was school age as he never worked Monday or Tuesday so that was useful in terms of practicalities (taking DD to activities etc)

Your DH should still be able to help out with housework etc, my DH managed the school run most days and still did housework and cook tea (he'd generally sleep 9am-3pm), especially on the days he wasn't rostered on for night shift.

I suppose nights became normal after a while for us, it was just part of the routine, however it was only straight nights (no earlies / lates)

I'd say he's just using nights as an excuse to get out of chores and the like.

BettyOBarley · 19/05/2017 08:41

My DH works nights on a 444 rolling rota so 4 night shifts (often 5 with overtime)/ 3-4 days off / 4 day shifts and repeat (11 hour shifts).

It is really hard and bloody lonely with young DC and I've had conversations with him about it not being an excuse to sleep as long as he feels like and not doing much at home. He'll say that I don't know how hard it is to do and that he finds it hard to sleep / switch off when he gets in so doesn't sleep well (he has a driving job which can be dangerous so I do understand the need for quality sleep)
He does make sure he's up for a few hours in the afternoon now though to make lunches, do a few quick errands before he goes.

I don't think I could put up with it being a permanent thing especially for not much gain. It impacts on so much - your relationship for one, the children - they can't play upstairs / make too much noise / have friends over on those days. They don't see him for days on end if we do any activities in the day (his shift is 3pm-2am).

I hate it, you have my sympathies OP (especially as DH was on nights last night and I was up 15+ times with DC who has chicken pox!)

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/05/2017 08:46

No. He'd do even less that he does already.

ems137 · 19/05/2017 08:51

Would he be any more available to help if he was on days and out from 8am-6pm?

I worked nights for years but started when I became a single parent. When I got with my now DH he hated me doing them and I left.

I was a single parent for the majority of my years doing nights and still managed to do childcare, 100% of school runs, 100% of housework etc etc. I think your problem is that he is not pulling his weight within the family.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 19/05/2017 09:01

How long are his shifts? I work nights but manage to be up by 2pm most days so that my partner and I can spend time together, especially at weekends. I would prefer not to work nights but they are a necessary evil in my job, some of my colleagues with young children prefer night shifts as they see more of their families than if they were to work the day shift.

Chops2016 · 19/05/2017 09:02

My DH has worked nights 11pm-7am 5 days a week for about 10 years now. He has been doing it the entire time I've known him. We have a 10 month old.

He usually goes to bed soon after getting home (8-9am) then gets up about 3-4pm then he's very hands on with DS and helps with chores. What are your husband's hours?

For me the only difference to him working days is hving him there in bed at night, which doesn't really bother me, I don't mind sleeping alone. However when DS was a newborn and I was breastfeeding I missed him a LOT at night!

PollytheDolly · 19/05/2017 09:03

My DH didn't choose to but was put from permanent days onto a rotating shift. Every third week is late shift. It's bloody awful and we both hate it. Affects sleep, permanently tired, work/life balance is difficult. We make the best of it but he's looking for something else now we've settled in our now bought house.

We'd only just moved in together and I was 3 months in to relocating across the country working full time so 1 week in 3 we didn't see each other. I lost the plot with stress. If he'd have chosen to do this at the time I'd have been severely pissed off, rather than just very pissed off. Needless to say I went part time fairly sharpish to accommodate this huge change to our life.

Why anyone would choose this with young DCs for not much benefit is beyond me OP.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 19/05/2017 09:38

My DH works nights, but it pays a lot better. His days off are also in the week, so two days a week he meets DD from nursery and gets to spend the afternoon with her. I think he is the one who suffers most with having the messed up sleep patterns, but he does it for his family so we just suck it up and get on with me having the main share of everything else because I work office hours in the week (35w pregnant). Cant deny I often imagine how nice it would be to have breakfast and dinner together everyday but thats probably just a fantasy that wouldnt work out as nicely in practical terms anyway x

Nicole69 · 19/05/2017 09:41

I wouldn't like it, purely because we'd rarely see each other. DP is a chef and has worked long days, evenings and weekends as long as I've known him, meaning we didn't get much time together. I now work fewer days in my day job so we get a couple of days off together, and do some evening shifts alongside that we actually see each other.

user1488397138 · 19/05/2017 09:44

My DH worked 6 night shifts a week from when our twins were 3 until they were 13.
He worked 4.30pm to 4.30am and never "slept all day" he was up at lunchtime every day.
Think your DPs taking the P.

BluePeppers · 19/05/2017 09:47

I'm not sure the issue here is him doing nights.
It's the fact he is using the fact he is doing nights to not do a thing in the house or with the dcs.

So that's his excuse to not do anything at night (he is in) and at day (he is sleeping

He is still working 8hours sleeping let's say 10 hours so that would leave him with AT LEAST 4 hours each day to be able to help with the HW, the dcs etc... just like everyone else who is working full time.

He needs to get his act together (and you need to stop doing everything. Yes might as well be on your own otherwise)

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 19/05/2017 09:49

Its not the nights its him. My DH chose nights and has been doing so for about 15 years now. I work full time "office hours". Its bloody brilliant. When DC were young he was there to pick up. When teens he was there to ensure our house didn't become the after school smoking and drinking den. He does all the food shopping, cleaning, washing and makes dinner. He gets to park at work which they can't do during the day. He gets paid more. And the absolute best bit is I get 4 snore free nights of the bed to myself (and TV remote).