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Original poster

Could you tolerate your DH choosing to work nights rather than days

39 replies

Routista · 19/05/2017 00:54

DH has chosen to work nights (4-5 a week) over daytimes. He has a choice. Nights are paid a tiny tiny bit better and he says that's the reason. Not better enough in my opinion. He's been doing it for years now.

I have 2 under 2 and work from home part time (no childcare.) this means that I do everything, because DH sleeps all day and works all night.

I am a strong person who puts up with a lot. But I don't want to be alone night after night. I am always sleeping alone. My life is dictated by him yet I hardly get a chance to speak to him. I want to share the responsibility, otherwise what's the point in being married and having DC's together.

Would you tolerate it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Routista · 19/05/2017 10:10

DH's hours are 8pm until 7am. He sometimes gets off earlier - i.e. 4, 5am.

I think like a pp said he does use it as an excuse to just stay in bed all day. Because he "gets up" at 5pm and starts preparing for work. I.e., a shower, shave, eat breakfast, watch a bit of TV, have some downtime, emails, all the time while I am doing dinner, bath, bed with the DC.
He will hug and kiss the DC but he doesn't do anything like help out.
When I have complained about it - and his family know it is also an issue for us - he makes out that he is some kind of hero for working nights and bringing the money in, and that all I do is complain. And how lucky I am to have the children all day. If he thought I was lucky he would be running home to spend some time with them, or getting up earlier to see them.

It also means my social life is down the pan. He can never commit to anything, we never socialise as a couple, and then if I socialise or invite people round to the house he complains that it keeps him awake and becomes moody. I can hardly invite friends round at 2am when he is not here so my only option is to invite them during the day.

Yes you're right I need some childcare. I suppose I will have to pay for it myself which is all my salary going on that.

I don't get much out of being wth him right now. But then there's always the promise of this future when we are clear of debt and everything calms down and we all spend more time together. This is always what he promises.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/05/2017 10:20

They sound like empty, meaningless promises to me. He could still be a decent husband and father in the meantime.

It's a LTB from me. Practically and emotionally speaking, you'd be no worse off as he doesn't pull his weight, support you or even spend much time with you. Financially speaking, you'd have to work it out (share of marital assets, child maintenance, possible benefit entitlement) but you might be surprised.

Topuptheglass · 19/05/2017 10:24

My dh is a shift worker too.

He works from 10pm til 6am. He leaves the house at 9.30pm & is home at 6.30am.

He checks the animals, gets breakfast, wakes the kids (13 & 16) & then gets into bed for a cuddle before I get up at 7.25am.

He is usually sound asleep by the time I'm leaving for work at 8.45. Not even the hairdryer wakes him.

He wakes up about 2pm. This has handy when the children were at primary school as it saved us on childcare. It also meant he was able to attend sports days & meetings (he just slept when he got back home)

I don't mind sleeping alone, I guess I'm used to it now & like the days I'm off that I take kids to school & climb in beside him again for a little nap Grin

I think the issue is that your dh is acting a little selfishly? Does he listen when you explain how you feel?

What would be your ideal way he would work?

blackteasplease · 19/05/2017 11:26

I don't think it's the nights that are the problem. He's choosing to check out.

Nobody only sleeps and works surely?

He must have some time when he can help, either before work or after.

HildaOg · 19/05/2017 11:33

He's choosing this which is different from someone who has to out of necessity. He's choosing to make your life more difficult, to not be there for you, to not be around to socialise with you, to not participate in family life...

I would be reconsidering what you want out of life and where you want your future to go. This is where your life is now, where do you want it to be in a year or two?

You can't change him, you can only tell him what you want and need, if he's not prepared or able to provide that then you either choose to go without or you find the life you want.

PollytheDolly · 19/05/2017 12:58

Your last post OP says it all. It's all about him.

It would be ultimatum time for me.

Adora10 · 19/05/2017 13:13

He's using the night shifts to check out of the practicalities of running a house and raising kids, so not fair on you.

he's working normal full time hours like everyone else so why does he want a bloody medal; he sound selfish.

Adora10 · 19/05/2017 13:16

Honestly fuck that OP, he brings in a salary big deal and that's it, you are basically a single parent with no help and no social life, does he not care about your feelings at all, mad on your behalf.

Huskylover1 · 19/05/2017 13:32

These hours could come in really handy when the kids are at school, as you could go back to work, and he would be there to pick up.

If he's asleep by 8am, he should be getting up around 3pm and pitching in.

Time for a very serious, lay it on the table chat. I need you to do x/y/z or this relationship may be over.

Chops2016 · 19/05/2017 13:33

Yeah if he's finishing work at 7 (and sometimes earlier) there's no reason he can't be up early/mid afternoon to help out a few hours before he goes back to work.

I think he's taking the piss and using his hours as a flimsy excuse. Plenty of parents do the same hours and still manage to be hands on at home.

MatildaTheCat · 19/05/2017 14:53

I completely get that you hate him living out of sync with you and DC. He's disconnected from the family and it suits him. He needs to address this because it sounds like you are virtually separated but living under the same roof.

What happens on his days off and holidays?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 19/05/2017 15:01

He probably wakes mid afternoon then stays in bed on his phone skivving off the house duties!

noova61 · 19/05/2017 15:56

My hubby is 58, hes a HGV driver on tankers and has worked nights permanently since our daughter was 2...shes now 23 and I did work until a few years ago. The money side is much better for us than on days, but he prefers working nights, he works sunday night till fri morning. Hes a night owl. We do make time for ourselves on his days off and we do see him once he gets up for work. Not easy when youve got small ones,but you get into a routine, or at least I did...now m daughter has her own place I love having the house to myself once everyone has gone home/to work. Tv goes off, get the hoovering done and sit and chill. He can sleep through a bomb going off!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2017 16:58

He's just checking out and using nights to justify it.

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