Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being totally messed about? Red flags?

27 replies

Givemechocolate40 · 18/05/2017 16:18

Being seeing a guy (mainly a fuck buddy) on and off for 3 months.

He isn't the type to commit to a relationship so just wants the above which I'm also happy with having just come out of a 14yr marriage. Problem is, even with this arrangement he is still messing me about.

He will only text when he wants to speak and if he doesn't he will go hours without answering my messages even though I know he's on his phone because his Watsapp is always online.

I am not allowed round his place either, will only come to mine for sex. I know he isn't married or in a relationship, but find this very strange.

I really like him and know this is very one sided as he just doesn't bother talking to me unless he's feeling horny.

But I guess that's How fuck buddies work? But still feel I'm being messed about.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 18/05/2017 16:24

He is making it clear that he wants nothing more than sex and even then he is treating you with zero respect.

TempusEedjit · 18/05/2017 16:27

How do you know he definitely isn't married or in a relationship? He could have two Facebook profiles for instance.

Regardless of only being his FWB doesn't mean he can just treat you like dirt. Ditch him and find someone else, I'm sure there must be many options out there!

Adora10 · 18/05/2017 16:27

Jesus, do you not have any self respect, he is using you like a blow up doll. Actually makes me feel sick that people can be so cruel but I guess if you are allowing it...

ChicRock · 18/05/2017 16:36

Surely that's the whole point of a fuck buddy - absolutely no expectations about returning texts, etc.

You contact each other when you want a fuck.

So you're trying to act all cool, but in reality want more. You're not cut out for a fuck buddy arrangement and I suggest you end it as this will only end in tears - yours, not his.

Demesne · 18/05/2017 16:43

Yes, that's how fuck buddies work. He only contacts you for sex. That's the idea.

More than that would be 'casual relationship' or 'friends with benefits' or something.

But yeah, right now, you're just in booty call territory.

Original poster

Givemechocolate40 · 18/05/2017 17:00

So that's how FWB work then? And shouldn't get all upset when he doesn't return my messages for hours.

I know it will end in my tears, tried to end it twice but then he comes back and I cave, as I do fancy the arse off him.

I do have respect for myself, of course I do, but having been with my EXH for 17 years and in a LTR before him, this suits me too. Even though I do feel like I'm being treated like shit sometimes.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 18/05/2017 17:03

Find someone else to fancy that doesn't see you as nothing but a convenience aid.

I don't care what anyone else says; he is blatantly ignoring you and treating you like crap, under the guise of being a FWB, imo utter bullshit so he can treat women like shit.

ButtMuncher · 18/05/2017 17:09

My understanding of FWB is exactly what you've described - your friends who have sex. I don't reply to all my friends messages immediately, in fact I don't reply to anyone's messages immediately unless it's an emergency - sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You sound as if you want him to respond in the manner of a boyfriend (at start of relationship) with some exclusivity over him replying to your messages quickly. A FWB arrangement usually doesn't happen like that which is possibly why you feel disappointed - it's not red flags, it's just what it is. You sound more invested than he, so I'd call it quits as you'll end up feeling more hurt when he continues to just contact you for sex.

Adora10 · 18/05/2017 17:13

And if he is single it's very odd you are not allowed to his place, if any man told me I was not allowed and he only came to mine I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

Stormtreader · 18/05/2017 17:16

this suits me too. Even though I do feel like I'm being treated like shit sometimes.

Then does it really suit you? I dont think the only two options are "treat me like crap and dont even host at your place sometimes" and "full-on marriage".

AhYerWill · 18/05/2017 17:30

If you feel disrespected then you should end it. I'm not sure if it's your expectations or his behaviour that are causing issues here, but clearly there is a mismatch. Find someone that is more on your wavelength regarding how this FWB thing should work.

Figaro2017 · 18/05/2017 17:35

will go hours without answering my messages even though I know he's on his phone because his Watsapp is always online.

Erm. Even in a 'proper' relationship this I would think you are being clingy.

Maybe he doesn't want you round his because he's afraid you won't go!

CrazedZombie · 18/05/2017 17:42

You're being extremely clingy.

I wouldn't expect replies in a reasonable timeframe or fidelity in a FWB situation.

I would expect respect when we were in each other's company but when we weren't together I'd assume he was busy with work, friends, 'dating' other women, hobbies etc

CrazedZombie · 18/05/2017 17:44

If he doesn't reply then it means he's currently busy with other stuff. Even people in committed relationships have other demands on their time like work, seeing family and friends etc.

RebelRogue · 18/05/2017 17:48

That's how FWB works. No expectations,no demands,no explanations just sex when wanted.
However this does not suit you as you are pretty unhappy and it's obvious you want more.
It doesn't have to be pining over fuck buddy or married with kids.
There are many options in between...casual dating,open relationships etc.
But deffo end this thing. You want more,he's not prepared to give it to you. It's pointless and harmful.

noova61 · 18/05/2017 18:00

Its obvious as you say that you fancy him...you want more...hes not prepared to give you what you want/need. You are being used for sex only( aswell as you using him). Pull yourself up by your bra straps..block his number and dump him. There will be someone much more worthy of you out there..xx

LonginesPrime · 18/05/2017 18:21

OP, if you're happy with the way he treats you, then carry on.

If you're not (which I suspect is the case given you're here), then keep it in your pants and move on.

You're basically trading your self respect for sex with a hot guy. Your choice, but don't expect some fairytale relationship to come of it.

Branleuse · 18/05/2017 18:24

I dont think youre as cut out for a fuckbuddy as you think you are.
nor would I be btw

WaitingYetAgain · 18/05/2017 19:10

I wouldn't call it FWB or fuck buddies as you don't seem friends. What friend type activities do you do together?

I would term this an NSA 'arrangement' where the arrangement is/was to have no strings attached sex at your place.

Original poster

Givemechocolate40 · 18/05/2017 19:54

Thanks for all your replies.

It's helped actually and thinking I probably am far too full on.

It just annoys me though that he only talks when he wants to. We've hardly spoken for a couple of days and he sent me a message today saying 'sorry I'm quiet, tired after night shifts', yet he's not too tired to chat on watsapp as again, constantly online!!

OP posts:

f83mx · 18/05/2017 19:59

You sound quite invested in him - NSA is literally that, not really about general chit chat on texts etc it literally is meeting up to shag. If you're realising you want a bit more than that then you could be honest with him about it (he is likely to leg it) and then get back on the market properly for a boyfriend who actually wants to spend non-shagging time with you!

LonginesPrime · 18/05/2017 20:00

He's a dick, OP.

You deserve better than that (I assume..) so I wouldn't waste another second on this loser!

NotHotDogMum · 18/05/2017 20:39

He has zero respect for you. I think you should be treating yourself better after coming out of a 14y marriage. You are not ok with this set up. He is using you.

ocelot7 · 18/05/2017 20:47

As Bran says - you are viewing him like a bf and he is - as you both agreed - being a FWB. You are thus too invested - as I'm sure I would be - hence don't go for that kind of arrangement

tigermoll · 18/05/2017 20:53

It just annoys me though that he only talks when he wants to. We've hardly spoken for a couple of days

Umm, that sounds very much like you want him to be your boyfriend. In fact, that would be a bit even if you and he were going out.

yet he's not too tired to chat on watsapp
So you're messaging him, then checking up after a few hours to see if he's online and then getting cross that he hasn't got straight back to you? This behaviour is not good for you.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want from him. Not even "the minimum I could put up with" but actually "what do I want?" If it's anything other than "we message each other to arrange a hookup when mutually convenient, at random intervals with no expectation on either side" then this is not the guy for you.

Flip

1 2