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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to move on but see ex dh most days

31 replies

Clockworkbanana · 17/05/2017 23:32

Dh left me a few months ago, his decision, I was heartbroken. I know it's early days but I feel like I'll never move on if things don't change.

We are still very amicable for the sake of Dd, seeing each other most days when he picks her up or drops her off and have also had a couple of afternoons out all together.

He comes for tea maybe once a week.
This all seems to benefit Dd and in some ways its a comfort to me as I still sort of have him around, but I think I'm making things more difficult for myself.

Any experiences or advice?

OP posts:
SuiteHarmony · 17/05/2017 23:42

Experience, yes!!!

Advice ... I didn't follow the advice given to me. I didn't do handovers at the gate, or restrict ctc to email. I did mistakenly over-allow his presence and belatedly exploded over liberties taken. We have now found a balanced middle ground. It took time. 2.5 years.

Picklepickle123 · 17/05/2017 23:44

I'm sorry to hear that it's been tough for you. I haven't been in the same situation, so don't know if my advice is practical, but I think it's great that you've kept an amiable relationship for the sake of your DD.

Maybe change the set up for weekly tea together - go out somewhere, or suggest that he hosts? It seems that the idea of playing 'happy family', presumably at your house, is making you miss what could have been.

Not sure what the contact arrangements are, but the other option would be to restrict how much time he spends with you and ask he spends it with DD instead? So he'll have tea with you once a month, and then take her out for tea the other days. Explain to him that you need the space, and hopefully he'll be understanding. Flowers

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 17/05/2017 23:54

Suite, yes in a similar way I've been given advice and not purposefully ignored, but just thought I'd would be an easier transition for dd...i think you're right too pickle, it's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I miss him so much so I love him to come round even if i pretend it suits me that everything is hunky dory and friendly Sad. But...I dwell on everything because I see him a lot and we text most days too, if we do t i drive myself mad wondering who he's with and what he's doing. I don't want to feel like this.

OP posts:
SuiteHarmony · 18/05/2017 00:28

I was kind of the opposite: I was quite accepting of him being here but ONLY on my terms. It was difficult for him to be a 'guest' and the boundaries got blurred. I did think it was a good idea to have a family meal, but funnily enough I didn't and couldn't do it if it was at his place.

This took some working out in my head. Still not resolved. I think in principle it's not a bad thing to do, but I still haven't got it right and perhaps it was always on the 'impossible' end of the spectrum.

Sickofthisalready · 18/05/2017 06:14

Im in exactly the same position clockwork. I see my ex at least 5 times a week because of DS.

We've also done the days/meals out together but there was an ulterior motive on my part, which was trying to show him what he was missing (it hasn't worked).

My ex was with someone new within 2 weeks of leaving (after 10 years together). Its been 3 months now and im starting to really hate him for what he's done.

He sometimes turns up and asks to have a shower or iron clothes, and I dont think its on, so have asked him to stop.

I too think getting over this is going to be 10 times harder due to all the contact. I try not to text or call him at all unless its to do with him seeing DS.

user1486956786 · 18/05/2017 06:27

Although it may be a long way off I think it's important to think how'd you feel if he was with someone else and the sort of contact you'd like then and start working towards setting that routine. It doesn't have to he instant but definitely start transitioning into certain days and activities etc. each week.

Is there anything you can add to your life that may help keep your mind busy or a goal to work towards? To stop thinking about him as much.

If your DD is young perhaps you can go out whilst he's over seeing her? Go for a run or something

Heirhelp · 18/05/2017 06:41

I would worry that the afternoons ok and dinner together are sending your DD mixed msg and maybe giving her hope that goy

Heirhelp · 18/05/2017 06:41

...you will be getting back together.

Mise1978 · 18/05/2017 06:46

I am sorry, but I wouldn't be doing days out and dinners. Do you realise this means your ex is getting his cake and eating it too? It is also really unhealthy for thr person left behind, you!

How can you grieve and get over the end of your marriage if your ex is constantly around?

And most importantly, this is wrong for your child. It is sending mixed signals to her.

You need to to make proper cut. Especially for your daughter, if not for yourself. Stop playing happy family with the man who doesn't want it. You can parent amicably without playing happy family.

Boooring · 18/05/2017 06:48

It's a very cosy and convenient set up for him. I would stop it all. He chose to leave the family home so let him see the consequences of that.

You are being far too accommodating. I think a lot of couples do that in the early days to soften the blow but now is the time to put some boundaries in place. He should just be picking your dd up and dropping her off without coming in to the house and stop the days out and eating together. Yes be civil of course but that's enough.

I have been there and it just complicates things.

Berthatydfil · 18/05/2017 06:59

I would not be hosting family outings and teas in my home. The cessstion of those kind of things is the price (to him) of not being a family anymore. He decided to break the family by leaving and there are naturally consequences to that as a poster above said he's having his cake ( living a single life) and eating it (dipping in and out of family like when it suits)

Yes it's hard on your dd but she might be nurturing a hope you will get back together or she will get used to this and then when s new girlfriend comes on the scene and it all stops it will be that much harder for her and you. What if you start a new relationship some time in the future?
Be amicable if you can want but I imagine you have a lot of feelings to process probably including anger and this can't be helping.

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 18/05/2017 07:08

Thank you for your replies.
Sickofthis, you've hit the nail in the head, that's exactly what I've been doing...i suppose I thought that he would see what he was missing and want to come back, but I know that's not going to happen now.

User, yes I really need to use the time I have effectively to keep my mind occupied, I sometimes goto the gym, at first I did all the time but i feel like I'm slipping into feeling sorry for myself and staying at home pining.

Heir, I worry about that too...i thought this way was helping DD have to admit she has handled it well for being so young (7) but maybe it's just delaying the inevitable.

Muse, exactly. I don't feel like I'm coming to terms with our marriage being over, it kind of feels like we're still together sometimes but living in separate homes.

Booring, I really want to talk to him and say that I think we need to make our contact very brief. You're right, it does complicate things, it will feel so strange as we do get on well and there's no animosity as such, but I can't move on like this.

I need to make some changes. It's difficult as i moved to be with him, so we live in the same town as mil and a lot of his family. Mil looks after Dd when I'm at work between school and home and i have settled here and made friends etc. But it's hard, I feel like it would be easier if I moved but that's not really feasible...my job is here that I love, Dd would be devastated if she had to leave dad and school etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 18/05/2017 07:12

Thanks Bertha. I do feel incredibly angry. Just when I think I'm feeling a bit more positive, something happens and I cry for hours or feel so angry I want to scream at him (I don't though). God knows how I'll cope if he gets a new girlfriend, I'll be devastated.

OP posts:
rizlett · 18/05/2017 07:20

It's natural to hope that you will get back together op but 'pretending' this is what is happening is not the way forward.

If there is any chance at all of you getting back together - it's definitely not through being nice to your ex nor through being horrible. The only way forward is to move the focus from him and back to you. (probably how it was when he was first attracted to you.)

So - work out some boundaries - (he can't have it exactly how it was before he left - because he didn't value that enough to keep it, right?) Get your life back - a life you love - so it won't really matter whether he comes back or not - because you are happy anyway.

wheresthel1ght · 18/05/2017 07:24

Whilst I get that you think you are helping your dd I actually think it will be doing more harm. There is a risk she will see his presence as you 2 getting back together and that you might also start looking at it like that.

I think you need to set clearer boundaries, have a safe space to adjust that he is not a part of. It is important t or you both.

Sorry I am guessing that isn't what you want to hear.

Mum4Fergus · 18/05/2017 07:27

I'm almost 4 years down the line from where you are and having been in exactly the same situation. With the benefit of hindsight I'd put boundaries in as quickly as possible, set specific access days/times, handovers at door, stop the 'family ' days out. It caused confusion for everyone, and DS still brings it up Confused

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 18/05/2017 07:27

Rizlett, Thank you, that's exactly how i want to feel, I want to love my life and be happy so I don't care...i just dont know how to start getting there. I think I know now that our contact has to be minimal and I need to get back to giving myself some time to grieve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 18/05/2017 07:31

Wheres and mum, I know that's what I need to do now. It'll be hard but I know it's the right thing to do for all of us. We already have specific days etc but the time taken at handover needs to be minimal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 18/05/2017 07:33

Mum, how long did you carry on as you were and what made you finally put some boundaries in? How is your relationship now? Sorry for all of the questions, you sound so together...i hope i can get there!

OP posts:
testnamechange · 18/05/2017 07:41

Will be honest here. I did the him coming round for family meals / Christmas/ Birthdays with my exdh. It was very very hard for me and did stop me moving on emotionally. I rarely dated again in the ten years this went on for ( he lived with OW) However, it did give the children what they wanted / needed and did help them maintain a good relationship with their father. The children knew we would never live together again ( although of course would have loved for that to happen) but, to them, it gave them the next best thing. They enjoyed having their father help with homework, wash up dishes with them etc . The children never visited him in his home, which was miles away and did not want to.
So, I guess it's weighing up what is best for you and what is best for the children. I don't regret the decision I made but know it effected my own life

rizlett · 18/05/2017 07:56

Clock - you are getting there. Flowers

You have already realised that your current pattern of behaviour is not working for you - only prolonging the inevitable.

You have recognised that you need space to grieve. They are both huge steps. Sometimes we move forward - sometimes we move back. It's all ok. Where you are right now is completely ok and normal - given your situation.

Find things you love (or love to do) (that are not your ex) and focus on that. Keep re-remembering to focus and then one day you might just notice that you have rediscovered your happy. Keep it small - small little steps. You can do it.

HIG70 · 18/05/2017 08:41

Men love this idea of keeping women dangling by offering them little crumbs every now and again. He is hedging his bets with this. Free to do what he wants but have you in the background for if it doesn't work out. You deserve better than that and only you can make sure you get what you deserve.

You need to make the contact about him and his daughter and not you. You can start by stopping the daily text messages unless the content is only about your daughter. If he is asking about you, you need to ignore those bits and just focus on your daughter.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2017 09:18

i suppose I thought that he would see what he was missing and want to come back
But he's not missing it is he?
You still see him all the time.
Go out together.
He has dinner at yours etc.....
It's all nicey nicey
So right now he's got the best of both worlds.
Stop doing the 'pick me' dance!
Get some distance.
You are doing yourself and your mental health no favours at all here!

Mum4Fergus · 18/05/2017 16:51

I was about 9/10 months down the line before I cut all the unnecessary contact...I started to find myself 'expecting' to see x and being disappointed when he didn't show or rearranged, I was becoming dependent again so it had to stop. In all honesty things are ok now but there have been hiccups. He knows not to contact me unless DS related, pick ups are all done at school/after school club unless an emergency, and he leaves DS at gate on drop offs.

How old is DD?

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 20/05/2017 00:13

Not sure what happened but couldn't post yesterday...dd is 7, she seems to be coping quite well but has good and bad days. I think every now and again it just hits her and she gets upset.

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