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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

man lack of man-man

50 replies

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:16

This might be controversial my loving, sweet oh is doing my head in with his over nice, submissive ways in our relationship. He's not exactly a manly man and his closest mates are nearly always lesbians and women in general. Sometimes i just crave a real bit of 'man'. i know that's bad to say!!!!

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 11/05/2017 20:17

Is this a new thing? How long have you been together?

DisappearingFish · 11/05/2017 20:20

What's a manly man?

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:24

we've been together 9 years. when i met him i found him sexy as he is in quite a manly job and had a position of power which was v.attractive. As i got to properly know him i realised he's more ... can't think of a word for it. i want to say feminine but he's not girly or anything like that. he's just not a man's man. We get on really well and he's like my best mate, and i am attracted to him when he's in work mode, just wish he's be a bit more manly when he got home!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/05/2017 20:25

He's not the man for you then, is he ?

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:26

i think it's less about him being 'manly' (whatever that means, you're right disappearingFish) it's more i want him to take charge a bit more and have more of the 'power'

this is all sounding stupid i know.

OP posts:

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:27

i am worried that might be true AnyFucker but we have a family together and it would be MASSIVE to just up and leave, especially as we get on so well too :/.

OP posts:

MissWilmottsGhost · 11/05/2017 20:28

My DH isn't at all manly. Good.

Manly men are all tossers IME.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2017 20:29

You can't change him. And why would you ?

You could always dump him for someone who treats you like shit. That could work.

MissWilmottsGhost · 11/05/2017 20:30

You want him to take charge and have more power over you ??

Good grief.

PurpleDaisies · 11/05/2017 20:30

What do you mean you want him to have more power? Are you taking on more responsibility for things in the relationship than you'd like?

AnyFucker · 11/05/2017 20:31

You've been reading too much 50 Shades Of Shit, op

sparklefarts · 11/05/2017 20:32

You could always dump him for someone who treats you like shit. That could work.*

Haha well put any

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:36

yeah i know you're all right ladies. and no have not read 50 shades lol. i should be grateful he treats me well

OP posts:

DoubleCarrick · 11/05/2017 20:36

I think I get what you're saying. My DH is what I'd consider a "man". He likes to think of himself as provider and protector. He looks after me and is a dominant figure.

However i feel that I have the best of both worlds as he is good with the baby, gentle, sensitive and does a fair share of the running of the house.

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:38

i think ive had a very warped view of relationships and have been with men much older than me who have been more dominant than me. no idea why im attracted to that but it is probably a bad thing and i should shut down those feelings

OP posts:

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:40

exactly doublecarrick. im not articulate but that's what i mean by 'manly'. I had an ex who insisted on sleeping on the outside of the bed incase an intruder came in and he could jump out of bed and not let them get to me. that sort of stuff is attractive to me (!!)

OP posts:

MissWilmottsGhost · 11/05/2017 20:44

A friend of mine wanted, in her words, a manly man who would take charge and make her feel like a little girl and she got one. He is a controlling bully who ignores her opinions and the relationship looks likely to turn fairly abusive to me. She is still a bit starry eyed with her manly man but I think hope for her sake she will get pissed of with it sooner or later.

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:48

hmm, yeah. i am coming to realise what i want is unhealthy.

my ex is someone who i keep comparing my oh too...but tbh when i really think about it and switch off the feelings i had/have for him he cheated on his pregnant gf and had an emotional affair with someone for a good 6 years. so it's probably better to have an oh that will sleep on the inside of the bed despite any imminent intruders. (!)

OP posts:

Kittencatkins123 · 11/05/2017 20:52

He sounds lovely OP!

On the very odd occasion I've gone out with manly man man men man men they've been arrogant twats.

I had a small moment early on with BF where I actually thought he might be gay, as he can occasionally be really quite camp so complete opposite of manly man man man. (He also had some same sex experiences when he was young. I've had some too.)

But as he's awesomely yum in bed and giving and delicious I soon got over that. And he runs marathons v quickly which I find quite swoony. And I think I can be very 'male' in the bedroom.

two and a half men style 'men''

Original poster

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:58

Kittencatkins123 that made me chuckle but i also had a small moment where i wondered if my oh was gay (like you, we've both had same sex experiences). my oh is actually quite male in the bedroom whereas i get very submissive (which is my natural way of being most of the time). i do find a bit of arrogance in a man quite sexy, but it's got to be in the right way. marathon running is definitely hot:)

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/05/2017 23:15

Sounds like you've got yourself a beta-male. Can you concentrate on his positive characteristics rather than wish he was 'more'? A lot of us would love a man who was a little 'softer' and less bossy or confrontatiional...

Or are there other areas you could encourage him to lead in? Organising holidays/sorting life stuff might be enough for you to see him as the strong man he undoubtedly is (you don't need to ride a motorcycle in a ripped shirt and call women 'babe' to be a strong man).

Northernparent68 · 11/05/2017 23:57

I think Zapsotherhead is right, let make the decisions, and maybe you need to think the whole dynamic, do you dominate him ? If so stop doing it.

NC1nightstand · 12/05/2017 00:44

I don't think it has to be either manly, controlling verging on abusive but he does get that look in his eye, throw you down on the bed and takes the bins out afterwards versus very emotionally intelligent, gets you a hot water bottle for your cramps but is less than you'd like in the bedroom. They 're both stereotypes and a man can be a balanced mix of sensitive and also assertive. Just like you like to be submissive but it doesn't mean you are a pushover. But what ever camp your partner is in, that's who he is and it's unfair and completely pointless to think you can change him. Probably an unnecessary question but have you told him you'd like him to dominate you more in the bedroom, I bet he's the sort of person who gets a lot from your happiness and pleasure.
But, if you are actually talking about the fact that he is like another child, that you have to make all of the decisions all of the time and that you feel unsupported and long for him to say "right Lellyli, you're obviously worried about xyz, well this is what we are going to do about it" for instance; then that's quite different and I feel your pain. My oh is like that and every time I have asked him "what are we going to do?" in the last 11 years, whether it's about dinner or unexpected bills or ds1's health condition the answer is the same "I don't know? " So then I take charge because somebody has to.
Finally, even though it's a cliche I really think your early father figure or lack of one has a lot to do with what you want or don't in a relationship.
Sorry to go on, you obviously touched a nerve, op!

Northernparent68 · 12/05/2017 12:39

Nc1, my parents relationship was like yours, and my mother would get frustrated, however both of them created the dynamic where she was in charge.
Have you told your oh you'd like him to be more assertive and have you let him make decisions

MyheartbelongstoG · 12/05/2017 13:05

My boyfriend is manly and not arrogant!

He's lovely.

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