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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

man lack of man-man

50 replies

lellyli · 11/05/2017 20:16

This might be controversial my loving, sweet oh is doing my head in with his over nice, submissive ways in our relationship. He's not exactly a manly man and his closest mates are nearly always lesbians and women in general. Sometimes i just crave a real bit of 'man'. i know that's bad to say!!!!

OP posts:

NC1nightstand · 12/05/2017 13:50

The thing is op is that he just doesn't get stuff done. He's very motivated about things he enjoys or wants but otherwise nothing gets done. I would ideally like a balance whereby we both find solutions for problems together.
A previous boyfriend was ridiculously manly to the point that it was just too much but I did like not having to be responsible for EVERYTHING all the time!
Anyway, forget me, do you think seeing your mum's relationship has made you want a very different dynamic?

NC1nightstand · 12/05/2017 13:55

Sorry op, I wrote a reply to you instead of Northern parent trying to multitask about 50 things. So my last post doesn't make any sense, can you ignore it or I will ask for it to be deleted. Cheers!

Offred · 12/05/2017 14:14

i think ive had a very warped view of relationships and have been with men much older than me who have been more dominant than me

On the basis of this I'd say it is a problem with you.

Leaving him because he's not a bastard would be incredibly stupid.

You sound like your experiences have led you to believe sexist tropes about men v women and power.

If your partner treats you well and your only gripe is that he never acts as though he is your boss by virtue of being in possession of a penis from birth then the problem is definitely with you and your ideas about men and women.

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 17:10

Thanks for all your replies. I definitely need to focus on his many good points as it's easy to just see the negative, especially after being together for 9 years and leaving in a tiny box house on top of each other. It is helping me figure things out....I had to google beta male, and i do think my oh has some of those characteristics but not all. In his past he was a 90's raver type and veered towards being slightly hippy, but he's always been very successful with women and isn't shy...so maybe he's a bit of a contradiction. I think a lot of it is also that's he's pretty laid back and hates to do the wrong thing, so would rather i did it all. Perhaps i do dominate him as he is reluctant to make decisions ie what we're doing that day or where we're going on holiday etc etc. I know if i didn't do those things it would all be left to the very last minute or he'd ask me what i want to do making me make all the decisions again. i should bite my tongue and just see if he takes the reins if i don't do anything, as i dislike being bossy but i do hear myself becoming like it.
It probably is something to do with my father why i have these older men relationship issues. He isn't the best role model nor does he have his life sorted, so........perhaps there's something in that.

OP posts:

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 17:13

if i were to be with a women i would still be more attracted to her if she were dominant Offred. It's less about gender, more about characteristics if that makes any sense. it does to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 17:20

when i say the word manly i really mean decisive, charismatic, opinionated, strong willed and a leader. I was lazy and used the word manly but it can be applied to both sexes and i should have used the above words rather than saying manly. apologies to anyone out there that may have been offended by my sexist paragraphs above

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 12/05/2017 18:24

Tell him straight you want him to make more decisions, then leave him to it

Mari50 · 12/05/2017 18:48

My exP is a 'mans man', he's also a mysogynistic abusive arsehole.

Offred · 12/05/2017 20:11

You meant you want him to be more of an adult then. That has nothing to do with his gender.

Also this idea that you want him to be a leader - in the relationship?! That's fairly dodgy and not good for you.

BertieBotts · 12/05/2017 20:17

Would it work to ask him to be a bit more dominant in the bedroom? Not all the time if it's not his thing but some of the time.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 20:20

Dig deep op.

My dh is easy going and laid back - lacking in the man stuff you describe. .
We had a chat about being adventurous in the bedroom and he came up with some bloody corker ideas!!
Made me look at him in a new light overall tbh!!
Old dog new tricks is a real thing!!

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 21:03

i'm going to leave decisions down to him for a while, see how that goes. he's pretty hot in the bedroom already so that's one area that is pretty good! i think i'll be able to look him in a new light if he becomes more decisive. also...he does this really annoying voice sometimes- like almost a childlike voice??? it's f-ing weird. ive told him about it soooo many times and he has cut back on doing it but he says he's doing comedy? anyways, when he talks to me in a normal way i fancy him a hell of a lot more

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 21:06

Yep, he's annoying you with childish behaviour I think. TOTALLY different from not being a manly man!

Offred · 12/05/2017 21:08

You need to tell him he needs to step up and take more responsibility as it is not fair of him to leave all the thinking, planning and decision making to you.

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 21:12

yeah i think that's it Offred . he's 13 years older than me but acts younger

OP posts:

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 21:14

and i know this is a common complaint but if stuff needs doing either i have to do it or i have to go on and on at him to do it. he won't just do something off his own back. does my head in. think i need to log off as im thinking of more and more that annoys me!

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 21:49

Meh, you need to acknowledge what is wrong before you can fix the problem.

Do not underestimate how bloody hard it is being the only adult in a relationship.

If he is not doing any of the emotional/planning/decision making heavy lifting then that makes this an unequal relationship and it means he is either deficient or not actually very nice at all IMO.

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 21:52

i just don't get why he can't just make decisions for us both sometimes. i asked him this and he just says he wants to do whatever makes me happy which is a pretty annoying answer tbh (i know, i sound like a bitch). to me it's just a cop out.

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 21:57

I left my husband who was like this when it became apparent that he did in fact care a HUGE amount about what we did but wouldn't/couldn't actually play an active part in anything.

It got me to the point I was past caring and sick of being punished for making the 'wrong' decision for both of us after he had repeatedly given stupid platitudes like this and that he was not prepared to work on his communication skills.

Offred · 12/05/2017 21:57

So I left, because he was driving me nuts.

Original poster

lellyli · 12/05/2017 22:02

i admire you offred. how long did it take for you to get to the point of leaving him?
i am going to try my new thing of leaving decisions down to him for a while and see how that pans out

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 22:40

Oh god ages!!!

Ha ha!

I went through the full cycle, refusing to make any decisions which left us without a car big enough when the twins were born, allocating him specific areas of decision making which meant those things didn't happen and we got taken to court for non payment of council tax, endless circular conversations about it full of the kind of platitudes you mentioned, just making all the decisions without having regard to his opinions at all which led to PA attacks, telling him firmly that he had to improve his communication skills and assertiveness or I would leave him which resulted in him refusing to go to counselling as I suggested we do and then exactly a year after that actually leaving but it nearly quite literally killed me.

When I told him I was leaving he suddenly wanted counselling and suddenly became extremely capable of making decisions.

Glad I left though. He sucked all the joy out of my life and all the love out of our relationship!

Offred · 12/05/2017 22:46

Funnily enough when I married him I thought he was a lovely respectful stable guy.

I now see all his behaviour was actually practised deliberate incompetence designed to get him out of adulting and that he didn't care a fig about me drowning in a sea of responsibility with 4 kinds under 5, he only started to care when I said I was leaving and he was going to lose all of that work I was doing.

He is actually not a very nice man at all.

Original poster

lellyli · 13/05/2017 18:41

wow. Good that you left him!!He does sound like not a very nice man, and being purposeful with his lack of input. I wouldn't say this applied to my oh though as he cares a lot, too much! I think the problem is that he's scared of doing something wrong, or something i wouldn't like...he ALWAYS leaves things to the last minute and i just think his lack of decision making is one of those things. whereas i like to plan a bit so naturally end up taking over even if i resent doing so

OP posts:

countryside8 · 13/05/2017 20:14

I'd rather have a slightly 'feminine' man any day than the stupid socially constructed 'manly' man. Manly men from my own personal experience of dating them are just tossers. Then again I hate men (gay man) at the moment, shallow bastards.

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