Deluded with dating

[Disappointedinlove]

I've been single for around a year now after a messy break up with an on again off again boyfriend who promptly dumped me as soon as he found someone better.

I've been dating a lot lately, and one thing that is really starting to bother me is the amount of men who cancel plans last minute or who don't like to make advance plans and message on the day to do something that evening. I'm finding myself going round in circles trying to work these guys out..

Example, I was supposed to meet a guy Friday night (last night) who I have met before. We didn't have a specific venue/time. I don't hear anything from him until 7.30pm when he messages to say he can't make it. So how are you or sorry or anything. Then today he messages again asking to meet up. I said no (I don't want to be jumping to his demands) and he said ok well let me know when you're free. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit angry at this? I just wouldn't personally make a plan if there was a chance I couldn't make it, and if I did have to cancel I'd be highly apologetic. This sort of thing has happened numerous times. So now I am thinking of blocking and deleting and moving on, but the amount of these guys I've blocked lately is so high, is there something wrong with me?!

I then have been seeing this other guy who I can't read at all. He's very affectionate in person, yet I hear nothing from him in between dates. Or he will text me, I will reply and then ... nothing.

Yet the guy who I have zero interest in can't stop messaging me and asking me out on dates..

Is dating really supposed to be this hard?!

Shouldn't be that difficult at all. Everyone has so many more options now & I think Tinder has made things so much easier.
Stand your ground & do what's right for you. Value yourself & if they won't play by your rules then sod them.

I find men seem to have the upper hand with dating since online came about-now they have so much choice they don't need to chase or even have to worry about arranging things- women will just come to them regard less.

meant regardless lol

Yes that's what I have come to think. So basically they don't want to commit as they might find a better offer. And if they do let us down they don't care about the consequences as there's always going to be someone else in the pipeline. Quite depressing really..

that's my conclusion sadly after many years Internet dating.

I do genuinely want a partner but I feel I've been looking for so long yet the same pattern happens again and again. My confidence is now at a rock bottom as O think there must be something seriously wrong with me for all the guys just to treat me like a last minute option

I agree OP, so disheartening. dumped me as soon as he found someone better. Was someone different, not better.

So, does anyone know, are there so many more women on OLD than men then?

OP, what do you find wrong with the keen guys?

There's not many that are keen unfortunately, but this particular one who seem to be I just don't feel the spark for. And I am wondering is it because I'm so aloof that he is keen..

Have you met up with him, or just messaging atm.

I've met him twice, he's nice enough and attractive, but just not for me. And I think he only wants something casual anyway. But he is super keen constantly asking me to see him again etc. I last saw him around three weeks ago.

The others... well I just think I'm a second or third or fourth option to them that they can pick up and drop off when they feel like it. They will message me but as I said only make very vague plans or say something like "I'll be in touch" and when they do get in touch it asking to meet that day or night when I usually have already made plans.

Oh right, sounds like you've given a good go anyway.
If I were you I'd let him know you aren't interested so he'll leave you alone and just block the others. You can do with out that crap, wondering all the time, I hate that.

My theory for what it's worth. Is that it isn't about an imbalance in numbers (between men and women). It that men will enter a "holding pattern" relationship. A stop gap until something better comes along. A few of my single mates (40 to 50 year olds) certainly do this, and seem to be open about it, when discussing their dates.

Yes exactly, it takes up so much time, saving time for them and then being let down. I feel I'm constantly questioning their feelings, motives, my sanity, my looks, my personality... so bad for the self esteem

So how do i get out of the stop gap and into a proper relationship?! Why am I only ever a stop gap??

I let you know when I find the answer

I've just made an enquiry this morning to join a sports group, something I've wanted to try for a long time, maybe they'll be someone nice there, if not I'll be learning something new and hopefully enjoying myself.

You know how those guys feel about you? Well that's just exactly how you feel about mr keen guy - you can take him or leave him. Its not personal and your mistake is to think it is. The spark is either there or it isnt. If you dont fancy mr keen guy, tell him straight so he stops contacting you, practice what you preach. He's probably on some mens forum saying exactly the same about you anyways, relax and if someone cancels plans with you more than once they're just messing, move on.

Yes Lightyears that sounds great- much better than online dating, I think that making a connection first whether it's that physical spark or just friendship it has a much better chance of leading somewhere as it's like they see you as a real person rather than an avatar iyswim.

I know LesisMis, basically I'm not their cup of tea, their priority, but after it happening so often I can't help but question why I'm not good enough. Why I'm never good enough. I'm just having a mini pity party I will get over it!! Haha. Thanks for the advice everyone

The point is, they aren't good enough for you.

You know although my marriage is iffy at mo after 21 years, I met my H they telephone dating back in 1995, I met several others to be frank who I didn't think much of, and it seems they didnt me either, my H was by far the best in all ways and he liked me too, sometimes I think a lot of extremely ordinary blokes have incredibly high expectations!!!

So just move on until I find the right one then... Gosh this dating malarkey is so time consuming and mentally exhausting 😩

Yet the guy who I have zero interest in can't stop messaging me and asking me out on dates..

Right there is the answer as to why you're being messed around by some.

Yes I think my issue is partly that the men I meet are not looking for anything serious right now. I live in a city (not UK) where people come and go and it's a very transient place. Most men here have a work hard, play hard mentality and coupled with that are cultural differences, and perhaps a perception of western women as fun time girls.. plus there are many other options. I don't seem able to keep a man interested for more than two or three dates. They are keen at first and then their interest fades. I can't see myself meeting anyone. And real life dating is even harder than online..