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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Haunted by my DS words

24 replies

hauntedbyhiswords · 27/04/2017 10:06

My DH & I split about 18 months ago - we had been together for 25 years. Our marriage was quite good on the whole although he was very controlling - I wasn't allowed out with friends, if we were on holiday & he didn't like the resort we had to leave & fly home, if he didn't like the tone of my voice he didn't speak to me for a week etc. We married very young & I never realised this wasn't normal behaviour despite friends trying to tell me.
About 6 months before the end of our marriage he suggested meeting couples for swaps. I was obviously reluctant but didn't want to incur his anger. We met a couple of couples. During this time I came to realise I didn't love him anymore & told him. he refused to accept what I was saying & just kept telling me I needed to try harder & love would come back.
Completely wrongly I embarked on an affair (not with anyone from the couples) - he found out & I moved into my own property with eldest DC while youngest DC stayed.
Dh took the break up very very badly - endless suicide attempts, tried to suffocate me with cling film, destroying my goods,tried to strangle me.
To this day he asks me on a daily basis to get back together.
I am still with the OM & he makes me very happy.

Youngest DC has always been a 'naughty' child constantly getting into trouble since primary school (15 now). He won a place to very good private school (at 11) but DH withdrew him as 'he wasn't paying for a better class of detention'.
He has now gone completely off the rails getting into very serious trouble. He doesn't seem to be afraid of the consequences of his actions.
Last night he came to dinner so I could discuss his latest trouble - he got really really upset, raised his fist to me & shouted "if you hadn't had an affair we would still be a family & I wouldn't do what I'm doing"

I was obviously horrified, notified, disgusted with myself & desperately sorry for him.
He walked out.

I love him so much but am struggling with his words & feel the only solution is to go back to being a family unit. He is seeing a counsellor today.

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 27/04/2017 10:09

He's lashing out at you because he knows you can take it. I can't imagine any closer proximity to an abusive father is going to help at all, and will send him all the wrong messages about adult relationships.

Does he see his father? Is his father filling his head with a completely false version of history?

Dawndonnaagain · 27/04/2017 10:09

Going back isn't going to help him. Seeing a counsellor is.
Going back would show him what? That it's okay to control women to get what he wants? To threaten them?
It's sad that he's like this, but actually, your ex is to blame, not you. Just be there for him and keep telling him you love him. He will come to realise that your dh is at fault, not you or him.

PatriciaHolm · 27/04/2017 10:11

Sorry - just re-read and I see that he stayed with his father. That's where this is coming from sadly, I would imagine. A counsellor sounds like a great idea. Getting back with you Ex sounds like a terrible one.

robinia · 27/04/2017 10:11

Whatever you do you must not go back. It won't help either of your dc and it would be disastrous for you.
Do your dc know why you left him? ie not the om part but your dh's emotional abuse.

Dieu · 27/04/2017 10:13

Oh God, please please PLEASE don't go back to your abusive and manipulative ex.
Your life will effectively be over and it will NOT solve your son's issues.
It is completely unfair that you are shouldering the blame for the break-up. Have you been honest with your son about why you left? He is old enough to take the truth, I feel, albeit in a slightly diluted way.
You are NOT responsible for this OP.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/04/2017 10:14

Sadly your DS is mirroring his father's behaviour. Don't go back.

Original poster

hauntedbyhiswords · 27/04/2017 10:14

He lives with his Dad.

The first thing that entered my head when he said the words was ' that sounds like Dh words"

DH has the belief that he should tell DC EVERYTHING - that they are adults . He also has selective 'amnesia' - recently forgetting he told 15 football parents that I had no interest in DS2 because I hadn't travelled 50 miles to a Sunday football match (DS wasn't playing as he had broken his elbow)

OP posts:

Dieu · 27/04/2017 10:16

I also think counselling would do you good OP. You have been through a lot, and it would help strengthen your resolve. There is no-one in this world, other than your ex and son, who would tell that going back is a good idea.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/04/2017 10:16

My ds also 'punished'this way when we divorced. Lots of police involvement due to bad behaviour etc.
At 15 he is old enough to learn the facts behind what you did.

At 14 after years of his df trying to brain wash ds against me he saw df for what he was and has nc with him now.

He is a transformed ds now. No trouble. New school. New friends. New outlook and prospects for a good future.
You don't need to protect your ex at the expense of your relationship with your ds anymore. .

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/04/2017 10:17

Your ex should be in prison for a long time for attempting to murder you twice. He is abusive and will have been abusive to your DS who stayed with him. He won't have been told the truth either. There's no way it would be healthy or help your DS to get back with this abusive man.

Counselling is a great start, hopefully it is helpful.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 27/04/2017 10:17

Christ Almighty don't get back with his dad. The man tried to murder you. Let me repeat that. He tried to murder you. The thing that you get life in prison for? That's what he did.

You shagged someone else after he'd pushed you into swinging and after decades of abuse. I doubt even the most judgemental mumsnetter would do much more than tut at that.

You shouldn't be horrified and disgusted at yourself. You should be proud - smug even- that you're out of that mess and in a good life.

Your kid is unhappy because his dad's a cunt. Getting back together with his dad, who is a cunt, will not help.

Tell the kid over and over again that you're sorry you took him out of the school he won a place at, tell him you love him and you'll be there for him. Tell him that it's okay if he messes up his GCSEs, you'll help him through retakes (or whatever). Tell him he's safe, and loved more than anything else in the world, and you've got his back and you'll get through this.

Crispbutty · 27/04/2017 10:20

Do NOT go back. Please!!!!!

This is a stroppy teenager lashing out with spiteful comments... like most of them do, and this is a teenager who has probably got his dad goading and encouraging him.

Your marriage sounded horrendous. You have got away and have a good relationship with your new partner. Keep it that way. Please don't even think of going back and for gods sakes don't tell you partner that you even considered it!

Could your eldest child have a word with the younger one?

Isetan · 27/04/2017 12:42

You may have physically left the marriage but emotionally, there's still a significant part of you that didn't and being with the OM hasn't changed that.

Your post seems so detached from what your son has and is still experiencing. Has it ever occurred to you that your son's 'naughtiness' was a reaction to his abusive father and the toxic relationship he was raised in? Maybe, it's a defensive mechanism or maybe you think that you were the only victim in your marriage but you can't adequately support your son, until you understand yourself a lot better and acknowledge the price that your children paid by being exposed to your toxic relationship.

'Going back' just makes a bad situation even worse and will only add more confusion, to a very turbulent period. Unfortunately, your dysfunctional marriage is your son's primary relationship role model and his norm. He is still living the nightmare (even if he chooses to stay) and he needs you to be emotionally strong and by asking the question "should I go back?", you evidently aren't there yet.

Get some counselling for yourself and encourage your son to do the the same.

Huskylover1 · 27/04/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeavenlyEyes · 27/04/2017 13:52

you did report your ex to the police didn't you? I would advise counselling for you and your ds and I would also do everything possible to ensure your ds is nowhere near his father. He is learning abusive behaviour from his dad and this needs to stop. You should call the police and Women's Aid today.

LilQueenie · 27/04/2017 14:01

Why did you not take both kids with you? You need to get your child out of there. Your ex has manipulated him.

yetmorecrap · 27/04/2017 14:11

Please dont read too much into it15 year old boys can be incredibly selfish/nasty. A few years on him and feel free to discuss the attempted murder, abuse etc. he may take it on board, he may not, but please dont beat yourself up. My 15 year old said some awful stuff at the time, my husband in particular found it hard to deal withand now at 19 he admits he was bang out of order

Buffythebabywearer · 27/04/2017 14:29

Please don't go back to the man who tried to kill you.

Your son will almost certainly understand in time once he has matured (it took me many years to reach a balanced understanding of my parents' divorce - not until I was in my 30s, about 20 years after it happened).

wellcoveredsparerib · 27/04/2017 15:02

Why did you not take your 15 year old with you? Your son is still a child and needs you to protect him from his unstable manipulative and violent father. Don't think about going back, think about how you are going to properly protect your son.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2017 15:04

Well my ExH had an affair, left the country, had a DD with the OW and my DD still blamed ME!?
Yep!!
It was easy for her to do that though.
She knew I would take it.
She was a horrible teen.
In all kinds of trouble.
She turned a massive corner though at age 15-16.
She realised that none of it was my fault.
That her dad is a massive twat and she hasn't spoken to him for months now.
She's 19 and lovely.
I can't guarantee that will happen here but your DS will realise one day that you could not stay in an abusive relationship.

How did your DS manage to stay with his dad after attempts on your life and his own life?
Seems mad that SS didn't take him away from such a toxic situation.

Your Ex TRIED TO KILL YOU - TWICE!!!!!!
Never ever go back there.

MNHQ

KatherineMumsnet · 28/04/2017 11:24

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

springydaffs · 28/04/2017 12:24

Did you get documented evidence of what he'd done to you? Because a criminal prosecution would be the next logical step. Perhaps his dad in prison would send the message loud and clear to ds. Talk to Women's Aid to get some legal advice on this.

Also look into parental alienation. How did ds end up with an abuser? Genuine q: how did that come about? Did you feel guilty for leaving the marriage and felt sorry for ex so you 'gave' him ds as compensation? Or did ds choose to live with his dad? H's actions were because he had lost control of you, don't be fooled into thinking it was anything other than that. You have to get that. It was the beginning and end of it and always will be. He will never give up, it's up to you to stop him. Do not feel sorry for him.

You do need advice - hence Women's Aid. It may feel it's in the past but here it is motoring along as always, manifesting in ds's behaviour and troubles. Ime this stuff - the legacy of abuse - doesn't go away, it needs addressing.

It goes without saying do not, under any circumstances, go back to this animal. The horror of it is that ds lives with him.

Women's Aid national helpline is 0808 2000 247. Best to call at night/overnight when lines are less busy. Or look on their site for your local WA number, office hours. You will be talking to them about ex and if there's anything you can do legally to stop him/get him prosecuted. There are new laws these days so you may have a case. For your son's sake you have to try.

BottleBeach · 28/04/2017 12:57

Your kid is unhappy because his dad's a cunt. Getting back together with his dad, who is a cunt, will not help.

A million times this.

It is not your fault

Seeingadistance · 28/04/2017 13:42

Haven't read the other responses yet, but have to say that your son sounds like his father.

Do not even contemplate getting back with your ex. The man has bullied and controlled you for years, is still doing it and has tried to murder you!

Get legal advice, and contact Women's Aid on your own behalf and so you can talk openly and safely about your son and how you can help him.

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