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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Split up still.living together, H being incredibly childish

45 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 15:19

How on earth do you deal with it? Doesn't want me to shop or cook for him anymore (fine with me.......) but is using his 'own' loaf of bread despite there being one already open. Only taking our his own rubbish to recycling. He usually makes us both tea first thing as I am busy with 2 under 2, just making his own now. The worst one......if toddler cries or gets upset at something I want him to do (you know. Like put his socks on......) H picks him up and says 'i know DS, I'm sorry......' at which point I could punch him in the face. I don't obviously. And I remain calm and civil, whereas he gets arsey and shouty in front of the babies.

I don't know how to keep putting up with it

OP posts:

issynoho · 18/04/2017 15:27

What an arsehole. That must be so hard for you.

Why is he still in the house?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 15:41

New baby and toddler, I told him a few months ago it was over, he's behaved better since then and I think he thought everything was OK. It wasn't but I don't have the headrace to think about it atm. He's only just worked out that I am serious about splitting up. So has started being an arse again. Joint mortgage, I can't make him leave. Sadly.

OP posts:

issynoho · 18/04/2017 16:10

Have you seen a solicitor? Others on here will know more about your situation legally, etc, but just wanted to offer my sympathy and support for all you are having to deal with.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 16:14

Thank you, no I haven't yet. He said he's made an appointment but I'm.not sure if he really has or not. I was hoping to get over the next few months (getting to grips with two babies......) before taking any action.

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 18/04/2017 16:21

You need somehow to have a calm discussion re how to care for the children & run the house in the new circs as it is likely to remain so for months at least. For example, is it possible to alternate days or mornings/PMs with the children including meals, bathing & laundry etc?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 16:28

Hahaha. No. I do it all. He does bathtime for eldest, and gets him.up and in hides highchair in the morning. . This is a 100% improvement on nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 16:28

Sorry, you are right re calm discussion. Theres no talking to him though. I've tried, a lot

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 18/04/2017 16:35

So if you ask him how he is going to participate in the care of his children what does he say? Of course this may be central to you wanting to separate...
Does he even look after his kids when you eg shop or cook for them?
There's no other practical point in sharing a house so I hope you manage to resolve the finances etc as quickly as possible!

MusicIsMedicine · 18/04/2017 16:47

Change the locks and apply for a non molestation order and he can be ordered not to live at the property.

isitjustme2017 · 18/04/2017 17:26

I'm going to have this very same issue! I've just told partner its over and have instructed estate agents to put house on the market. Its a joint mortgage so I can't make him leave, and I can't afford to.
Things are ok at the moment but I'm already worrying about we will organise things like food shopping. He works late so I've still been leaving him some tea (as I make it anyway) but he's been leaving it and sorting himself out. I've bought food for the house which includes the kids but he hasn't contributed. We need to have a conversation about it which I'm dreading.
What are your long term plans then if neither of you can move out? Are you going to sell the house? There is only so long you can live like that, it will drive you nuts!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 18:22

He's only started looking after ds1 since the baby came along, as a matter of necessity. Prior to that, no night waking, about 15 nappy changes in 19 months, no bedtimes, never taken him anywhere, never fed him etc. So I'm not expecting him to participate any more than he does now. Yes to it being a majorn reason!

I won't get a non molestation order, pretty sure they're for harassment etc? I could get a mesher order (I think) but not til divorce, from.what I know. I'd like him to leave so I can live here alone with the children for a few months, work out income and decide if I want to stay here. I love the house bit he's a hoarder so never lived in it as it should be iyswim. Not sure he'll leave though.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 18/04/2017 18:36

You need your own solicitor to advise you. He can sort himself out. Ask for recommendations locally and see if you can get a free 30 minutes to get a feel for the person and also get an idea of what you are facing.

Take control. A lazy, hoarding idiot isn't going to rush to seek a divorce. Get all your kegal and financial documents copied and stored safely and count down to getting rid of him. He sounds dreadful.

Lotalota · 19/04/2017 18:00

I think you need to live separately. He's behaving like an arse but is probably hurting a lot if you instigated the split.

A lot of women who live with exes are advised to stop doing things for their partners and buy their own food to separate their lives. Perhaps this is what he's doing.

Do you or him have anywhere else you could stay, even one or two nights a week until you can live apart?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/04/2017 19:47

Of course we need to live separately. It's not that easy though. Yes I'm.hurt too, but I'm.not behaving like an arse.

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 19/04/2017 20:02

music a non-mol order for what? So she can get the upper hand and be able too legally change the locks? That's just abusing a non-mol which is there too protect. And changing the locks? Illegal. Not just OPs house.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/04/2017 20:06

Any way you can avoid being in the same room as him? Avoid being in the house when he's at home? Sorry, probably not very practical.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/04/2017 23:22

kung-fu I know I can't make him leave, and I'm.not trying. I would like him to away elsewhere for a bit but haven't suggested it yet.

He's at work during the day, I cant really go our when he gets home as it's bath and bed for Dc1 and then I have the new baby.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 19/04/2017 23:56

Try not to react when he is looking to wind you up.Perhaps write things in a journal as a way of venting and also remembering what an idiot he has been..I appreciate its easy to say but much harder to do!

It's just baffling why some men become so belligerent.I had about 6 weeks of living together..mostly I just went to my room at night.Slept separately, made food if all together but I didn't do laundry or other jobs.
It was a massive relief when he left, sadness hits after a while and that's when the journal helped as looking back on his behaviour I knew I was doing the right thing.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 07:59

Thanks Hermione it would be easier to deal with if there were an end in sight (like your six weeks) but it's going to be a long time. We're married with a joint mortgage. Best start doing the lottery I think!

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 12:33

I mentioned the non mol order as I didn't know if he was abusive.

aproblemsharedandallthat · 20/04/2017 12:46

Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through a bad time. I would suggest that you have your own routine with the kids and act as if he isn't there. Maybe he will then get bored and leave when he sees that you are able to get on and do your own thing. Alternatively, tell him how you feel and ask him to leave. If he won't, then tell him that you are looking for a new place and the house will be put on the market. He may think that you staying in this situation will change your mind but if he hears how you feel and what you intend to do if he doesn't do anything, will make him realise that he can't control this situation and either way something will be done. It he isn't willing to discuss, inform him of your intentions by letter.

In the meantime, remember, you have your children and they appreciate you. Good luck x

HarmlessChap · 20/04/2017 13:56

Well he is acting childishly but what were you expecting? You've told him that your marriage is over. I'm sure he's contributed greatly to the situation but he's now faced a massive upheaval that he has not chosen so he's not going to be over the moon about it.

It sounds as though you're a SAHM, are you expecting to get a job and him change his working patterns to enable 50:50 parenting or will he be expected be an EOW dad? Personally the prospect of not being in my kids day to day life would leave me in a pretty bad place mentally and there's every chance I would end up being petty too; nor can I imagine that if I told my DW that it was over, she would be entirely pleasant and polite while everything is sorted out.

You need to get the house on the market, get it sold and separate yourselves physically and then sort out how you are going to divide the parenting. In the meantime given that its something you want rather than him I think you just have to put up with the fact that he's likely to be expressing the fact that he's pissed off with the situation.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but I think expecting the party who doesn't want to end it to be entirely reasonable is pretty unrealistic.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 14:19

harmless I posted here for advice and support on how to deal with an incredibly unpleasant situation. If my husband was bothered about being in his children's lives, maybe he should have had some involvement in their lives up until now. I'm.not a sahm, I'm on maternity leave ad I have a new baby, but he doesn't let that stop him shouting and swearing at me because the washing up isn't done. I don't want to go into a huge back story, I wanted advice on how to deal with the situation as it is.

I expect him to be reasonable because he's an adult and we have two babies I'm the house.

Thanks aproblem that's what I'm trying to do.

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 15:45

Well said. That behaviour is appalling when you are bringing up his children.

HarmlessChap · 20/04/2017 15:45

Yes, and the advise I gave was to get on with the practical parts of untangling yourselves and making arrangements to share parenting as swiftly as possible.

While you have every right to want him to be an adult about it you can not make him and its hardly unusual for people (men and women) to be petty when going through a separation.

He's likely to be more unhappy about this than you are as it is not his decision. In an ideal world the norm would be 50:50 split on parenting but (based on the separated couple's I know) that seems rare with fathers tending to miss much more of the experience of his children growing up than the mothers do, albeit some do seem content with that.

As such you would be better off moderating your expectations about his behaviour than getting frustrated when he isn't reasonable.

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