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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Split up still.living together, H being incredibly childish

45 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2017 15:19

How on earth do you deal with it? Doesn't want me to shop or cook for him anymore (fine with me.......) but is using his 'own' loaf of bread despite there being one already open. Only taking our his own rubbish to recycling. He usually makes us both tea first thing as I am busy with 2 under 2, just making his own now. The worst one......if toddler cries or gets upset at something I want him to do (you know. Like put his socks on......) H picks him up and says 'i know DS, I'm sorry......' at which point I could punch him in the face. I don't obviously. And I remain calm and civil, whereas he gets arsey and shouty in front of the babies.

I don't know how to keep putting up with it

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 15:55

It isn't an expectation or something unreasonable that needs to be moderated, to be treated with courtesy and not treated in an abusive manner over some washing up.

That's is a basic necessity, the right not to be abused.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 16:02

Can you bugger off elsewhere harmless?

My expectations include not having him punch a wall and kick a door within a foot of me holding our three day old baby, Should I moderate that too?

OP posts:

Dozer · 20/04/2017 16:07

Am sorry you have all this going on,but glad you're ending it with this sorry excuse of a man.

Perhaps the first priority should be investigating your housing options and getting legal advice. To work out the best way to work towards living separately asap.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 16:10

Thanks dozer yes I am doing that, but facts are that I will need to continue living here for quite sone time, as will he. Just wondered if anyone who has been in the same boat had any advice on how to cope with it.

OP posts:

MovingtoParadise · 20/04/2017 16:17

I do think you should get a non molestation order and get him excluded. He has been violent to you in the recent past and you are NOT safe and still vulnerable with your young baby.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/04/2017 16:17

Unfortunately what you want would require him to have a personality transplant.

Can't he rent a room elsewhere?

Ask him to take sole charge of the DC on a Saturday so that you get a rest.

If you are living together but are completely separated you are well within your rights to claim benefits as a single person. You can also go to the CSA

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 16:34

Yes I suppose so quite He could rent a room somewhere, but he won't and I can't make him. Can I claim tax credits as a single person?
Ironically I have some experience (work wise) of non molestation orders. I won't get one, ad in pretty sure it wouldn't be granted.

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 18:00

A man coming on this thread and telling a woman who is being abused to alter her expectations and feel sympathy with her abuser is utterly insane.

Dozer · 20/04/2017 18:05

Definitely seek info on benefits etc. A high priority needs to be sorting the housing situation, eg selling the house.

Dozer · 20/04/2017 18:05

Unless you rent that is.

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 18:06

I think you should apply on an ex-parte basis for a non molestation order. That is totally unacceptable behaviour. If social services got wind of him doing that, they could become involved in his contact or remove children they deemed at risk around him. My doctor told me that they can take children from the mother because the father is deemed a risk if she continues giving him contact. If you reported these incidents to the police, an automatic referral would be made to children's services so that is something to bear in mind.

I think this man is very dangerous and should not be in your family home especially when separated. You are quite possibly in danger and so are your children.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/04/2017 18:11

You absolutely have to go and get independent legal advice. NOW. To protect your interests and those of the kids. He's already showing you how badly he's behaving. This should be an absolute priority.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 19:15

Just to reassure you all, health visitor, midwife and GP are all fully aware of the situation. I'm not holding anything back from them. I know how social services work, I deal with them daily in my job. I really wanted any advice/comments about how to cope in the meantime. Thank you for all of your concern, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 19:20

music the incident I mention above is, so far, an isolated incident. I'm by no means ignoring it. I don't though feel the court would award a non molestation order based on that. I don't think applying ex parte would help the situation. I also get a LOT of support from.mil and don't want to ruin my relationship with her. Believe me, if things were to escalate, I'd call the police.

I'm going to try and speak to him when things calm down a bit, about him leaving for a while. God knows where he'd go but I need to sort out whether I want to stay here alone, single finances etc and I can only do that without him here.

OP posts:

whatsmyname2017 · 20/04/2017 20:15

Hi OP, why can't you just put the house on the market now? I'm in a similar situation. I've just told dp its over and we are forced to live together because neither of us can afford to move out and pay rent + half the mortgage. Even though I know we will struggle to sell our house, I'm insisting it goes straight on the market.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/04/2017 21:14

I'm very early on the the process what's and nor at all sure about what I want to do with the house. I worked bloody hard to get this house and I love it. I've never been able to live in it as a home though due to H and his ways. I need to decide if I want to keep it, and if I can afford to keep it. I've recently had a second baby and it's all a bit much to get my head round atm.

OP posts:

Walkingtowork · 20/04/2017 21:23

Have you got friends who could take it in turns to be with you in the evenings?

Also,

whatsmyname2017 · 20/04/2017 22:10

I totally understand that OP. I am also gutted to be selling my house as it took us years to be able to buy and we've only been in it 8 months. I just see it as bad memories now though and finding somewhere new will help me start afresh! There is no rush to make a decision, however it sounds like your current living arrangements aren't exactly ideal.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/04/2017 09:33

Well things have settled down a bit. I'm now in a position, as usual, where I don't want to rock the boat. But I'd I say nothing he'll think things are OK. If I say something he'll be awful again.

OP posts:

BantyCustards · 21/04/2017 09:39

He is abusive and you may be able to get a non-mil order which would greatly improve your situation.

You may or may not be aware but abusive people tend to start escalating things when they know their OH is leaving so it may be sensible to speak to a DV solicitor to see where you stand

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