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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is he doing to me??

32 replies

MrsDrRaj · 13/04/2017 15:21

Last night I woke up to my partners hand down my pants (sorry tmi) and touching me, while pleasuring himself. I didn't know what to do so I just pretended to be asleep until it was over. He was very obviously trying not to wake me up.

He's done this a couple of times before but the first time I didn't think much of it, the second time was on holiday.

We don't have a very good sex life lately (the past year or so) since I had a miscarriage (wasn't planned) so I've been feeling too emotional and tender. Even though he begged me to have sex a week after, which led to a really bad infection, which put me off sex even more.

So things haven't been how they used to be, but isn't this extreme??

I feel really violated by him which is really confusing me, he's someone I trust very much.

Please someone tell me what to do.

OP posts:

CharliesMummyMCAR · 13/04/2017 15:26

Id advise you to speak to him about it and tell him how you are feeling about it tell him it isn't acceptable and if he does it again then take action maybe the police as it is assault. Sorry your in the situation sweet x

Batghee · 13/04/2017 15:30

you need to talk to him and make it clear that you felt violated. This is sexual assault. He clearly knew you were asleep and unable to consent.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not how you get your sex life back on track with someone, this is how you push them further away. Its so disrespectful. You dont just exist as a body for him to pleasure himself with.
If he continues to do this to you then youd be well within your rights to report him to the police.

Ellisandra · 13/04/2017 15:31

I wouldn't even bother speaking to him about it.
He assaulted you.
And coerced you into sex a week after a miscarriage.
Honestly - dump him.
He's an arsehole.

notadutchie · 13/04/2017 15:39

Leave him.

He coerced you into sex after a miscarriage!

And to answer your question, what he's doing to you is treating you like an object, not a person. He's not interested that you don't want sex, he's taking his pleasure from your body. He is deliberately doing this when you're not consenting because you're asleep.

It feels like violation because it is.

It feels confusing because this isn't what people we trust are supposed to do: they're supposed to value us and treat us with respect.

What he's doing is so seriously violating this trust that I started by saying you need to leave him.

Teddy6767 · 13/04/2017 15:42

Do you know if he was awake? I'm not saying it's ok if he was asleep but maybe he didn't know what he was doing? My ex used to sometimes touch me when he was fast asleep snoring and he would have no recollection and be completely mortified.
If he was fully conscious then this is rape! And if hes doing it when he's unconscious then I suggest he starts sleeping in a different bed from you as you shouldn't have to put up with crap like that!

Original poster

MrsDrRaj · 13/04/2017 16:21

I know he won't see anything wrong with it.

We're having a lot of problems because of our (lack of) sex life. I tell him that I need to feel emotionally available before we have sex but he doesn't, he says he feels like I don't love him when we haven't had it in a while.

I say to him that I need him to be nicer to me in general, so that I'll be more inclined to be up for it when he asks, but he says hes like that because we don't have sex.

So this must be his solution.

I still can't believe he would do this to me... I thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together.

OP posts:

BigGrannyPants · 13/04/2017 16:37

That is sexual assault OP, he touched you without permission and tried to do it while you were sleeping, how icky is that?? Leave him, he needs to know that is not acceptable and is actually against the law!

You shouldn't be with someone who thinks so little of you and goes against your wishes like that. The sex after the MC is deplorable, he sounds like an arse, and dangerous. What would've happened if you hadn't pretended to stay asleep, if you had woke up and said no are you confident he would've stopped?

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 16:39

He is a disgusting sexual predator who has been assaulting you in your sleep; please don't normalise this because of the lack of sex; he's a dangerous man and I'd advise you to get away from him if not indeed report him to the Police; how the hell can you trust this man when he's abusing you like this, you can't.

Original poster

MrsDrRaj · 13/04/2017 18:49

BigGrannyPants I really wish I had "woke up" and confronted him.
But looking back at other times when I haven't been in the mood as he's climbing on top of me and I'm saying no and he starts to have sex with me anyway, I knew then it was wrong but because it only happened once or twice I just thought maybe he was really turned on and couldn't help himself?

I don't know I'm just making excuses I guess. It's just so heartbreaking.

As stupid as this sounds I'm scared to confront him about it because I don't want him to feel sad. I know that sounds crazy.

His sister was raped by a burglar when he was a teen and it really hurt him (obviously) I don't want to bring those feelings back up.

Even writing that out sounds insane.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 13/04/2017 19:31

It hurt him?

Yet he rapes you.

When a man starts to have sex on you and you say no, and he carries on, it is rape.

As well as that, he coerced you into sex after your miscarriage, and assaults you in your sleep.

Have you really just said maybe he was so turned on that he couldn't help it? Because I know you don't really think that is an 'excuse'.

Please, you poor darling - leave this rapist.

Why not give Women's Aid or Rape Crisis a call?

I feel so sorry for you
You thought you'd be together forever, and he has let you down and assaulted you Get rid of him.

wouldthatitwere · 13/04/2017 19:59

I'm not a regular poster but this is so fucked up I need to break my lurking habits! at very best he's showing you a HUGE lack of respect. He clearly is not thinking of you in anyway other than to get himself off in what can only be described as a sexual assault and one of many. I think you do need to bring up and compare him to his sisters rapist to get him to see how serious this behaviour is. Stop thinking about his feelings, you need to protect yourself first and foremost! set up very clear boundaries with this and enforce them vehemently. Personally I couldn't sleep next to him and feel safe which would mean the end of the relationship. This is not even counting the pressure for sex after mc, which is abuse on so many levels. Sorry for the long post!

Original poster

MrsDrRaj · 13/04/2017 20:44

I know, I know. It sounds so ridiculous :(

I'm just all over the place, I think it's really hit me as to what he's done and what has happened to me.

He sometimes says to me in the morning that he's tried to cuddle me at night but I've pushed him away in my sleep. It makes sense now.

He doesn't really show me any respect in our day to day lives. Which is odd because at the beginning of our relationship he was such a gentleman, which is one of the reasons why I fell for him. Now he'll make me sit in the back seat of the car when we take the dog to the beach so he dog can sit up front.

Even when we do have sex now, I absolutely hate him kissing or touching me - I'm just like come on hurry up and get it over with, I didn't agree to have sex for foreplay. I really try hard to not tense up but sometimes it's impossible.

I feel as if I could happily go the rest of my life without any intimacy now.

Thanks for all your replies and advice and support. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone IRL x

OP posts:

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2017 20:52

But looking back at other times when I haven't been in the mood as he's climbing on top of me and I'm saying no and he starts to have sex with me anyway...

This is rape. He is a rapist. He respects the dog more than you by the sound of it, and none of his behaviour is because you aren't in the mood for sex at the moment. It's because he's a disgusting raping pig. Nobody deserves this sort of treatment, you included. Please don't give one iota of your time and energy worrying about his feelings as he has committed a crime against you, several times, and doesn't deserve an ounce of sympathy.

Bananamanfan · 13/04/2017 20:52

You need to leave him, op. I have been in a relationship just like this & it wasn't until a few years after that i realised i was raped & sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Don't feel stupid, it's not your fault at all.

eddielizzard · 13/04/2017 20:58

get out get out get out

i can't say it enough. you're worth more than this. he's a rapist and treats you appallingly. don't let him crush you anymore.

leave leave leave leave please.

wouldthatitwere · 13/04/2017 21:35

The dog is higher up on his list then?! Get him gone, yesterday. My last relationship deteriorated due exdp being controlling in lots of little ways, I stopped loving him which is when I also didn't want him touching or kissing me. No one should be in a relationship without love, respect and trust. You deserve these too.

flibflob · 13/04/2017 21:38

Please please leave him OP. Rape Crisis are wonderful and will give you support over the phone and IRL.

Do you have access to important documents, money etc? Do you have somewhere to go?

You don't have to tell people the real reason you've left if you don't want to - I didn't - just say it wasn't working. He will only get worse - I speak from experience. Do not worry about respecting the feelings of someone who has no respect whatsoever for yours.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/04/2017 22:50

I really don't understand why you say you trust him. Nothing you have written suggests he is worthy of any trust or respect whatsoever.

I'd divorce him for the car-dog thing on its own never mind the rest.

He knows how rape affected his sister but still feels justified raping and sexually abusing.

He wants sexual gratification, you say no, therefore in his mind the only sensible option is to ignore the no and he feels you are unreasonable to object.

He likely feels you could avoid rape and molestation by saying yes instead of no and therefore he hasn't actually done anything bad, it is actually your choice to be raped.

My advice LTB

MrsELM21 · 13/04/2017 22:54

God this is absolutely horrendous and so so wrong, it's assault, and not the first time either.

You should really do something about this OP before something even worse happens

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 13/04/2017 23:00

I'm sorry petal but he is a rapist, please leave him

Gazelda · 13/04/2017 23:00

OP, he is assaulting you. He is disrespecting you. He s abusing you and trying to make it seem your fault. You are not happy with him. Leave him.

BigGrannyPants · 21/04/2017 16:22

@MrsDrRaj just checking in, are you ok?

Adora10 · 21/04/2017 16:27

I've only read the first few lines, no man who is regularly raping and assaulting you is going to be nice in any other area of their personality, you need to have him charged, he's not just a danger to you but every other woman on the planet, it's horrendous what he is doing.

GolderAndWiser · 21/04/2017 16:31

He made you risk an infection after a miscarriage just so he could have sex! :-0
Poor you OP. That's miserable.

GolderAndWiser · 21/04/2017 16:33

Ps and i bet he can bring himself to be fakenice to other people who arent sleeping with him.

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