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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he cheat?

37 replies

changedname17 · 12/04/2017 23:46

Name changed for this.
Married for nearly 2 years, no DC
2 weeks ago I went away for the weekend with friends without DH who stayed at home.
We live in a remoteish area and every night without fail we turn on the house alarm before bed.
The Sunday I came home I remember DH was very off with me and slept all day which I found odd at the time as he told me he'd had an early night.
Anyway I just noticed today that there's a log on our alarm so went back and checked the Saturday night I was away. He set the alarm and went upstairs at bedtime around 11:30 ish but then came downstairs and turned it off at 2am, then he didn't turn it back on again which is out of character.

I have a gut feeling he may have gone out or brought in a booty call but based on the tiny amounts of evidence I have, am I just being a paranoid idiot? I guess he could have gone for a glass of water, which he's never done the whole time I've known him! Or there could be some other explanation. But will I sound like a psycho if I confront him?! He will deny anyway I guess...

OP posts:
NotJustAWife · 12/04/2017 23:47

Is there anything else that would suggest he's cheated? Other weird behaviour?

Original poster
changedname17 · 12/04/2017 23:55

Hmmm nothing major really. He's been making jibes recently that our sex life is a bit rubbish, as in we don't do it enough, which I find weird as it's the same as it's always been (2/3 times a week, sometimes more sometimes less). So I did think to myself, are you saying this to make yourself feel better about something?!

OP posts:
NotJustAWife · 13/04/2017 00:14

I'm not sure I'd make the connection, but as you say it's a gut feeling and if you think there's something dodgy underfoot then there may be 😕 I'm not sure if there's a way you could broach this with him. Maybe mention his sleepiness on Sunday?

HappenedForAReisling · 13/04/2017 00:59

I think that's what I would do - ask why he was so tired. If the moment hasn't passed, that is. It might be odd to bring it up now.

I don't think you'd sound like a psycho to ask, but he might wonder why you checked the alarm log (or is that a normal thing you do) and be more alert IF he is up to something.
I also think there could be an innocent explanation too.

mumsonthelash · 13/04/2017 01:15

Could you check the location history on his phone? Your gut tells you something is up so be vigilant but keep under his radar. Also can you check his phone log or ATM withdrawals for that night?

mumsonthelash · 13/04/2017 01:16

Know what you mean about the sex jibes.

Pallisers · 13/04/2017 01:20

I'd be listening to your gut feeling more than any evidence.

why do you think this? If I found a strange knickers in our bed after I had been away, the last thing I would think was DH was cheating - honestly that is how far away the thought would be.

But you are suspecting him and I think there is a reason. Ask yourself why you think this. Let yourself think of all the little things that have added up to this.

Then ask him - straight out. "did you have someone over here while I was away".

TheNaze73 · 13/04/2017 07:00

As an outsider, looking in, it would appear that you're massively overthinking this. However if your gut instinct is saying something, listen. He needs to address the sex issue with you, not make sarky comments.

ems137 · 13/04/2017 07:03

Tbh it sounds like an overreaction but it's you that's in the situation and if you feel something isn't right, I'd listen to your gut feeling.

Bananamanfan · 13/04/2017 07:12

It sounds like your dh is not treating you very well at the moment. I think you should trust your gut; you were obviously already suspiscious to be checking for evidence.

Original poster
changedname17 · 13/04/2017 07:57

Thanks everyone.
It's weird, I didn't even know there was an alarm log and hadn't even thought about weekend since, and then something in my gut yesterday told me to look at the alarm. Strangely when I first looked at it I didn't think anything of it, it was only a few hours later it clicked.
I'm not going to mention the alarm log as he has no idea it exists so I can keep an eye on it I guess
He was really chirpy with me this morning and I was already in a mood with him when I woke up about this, I tried to mask it but I think he knows something's up!
I will try and look through his phone this weekend if I can, there's just something in my gut telling me to which I can't really explain.
Gut feeling is a powerful force! But it also makes you question yourself a lot too!

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 13/04/2017 15:30

Why do some posters say just ask him. I mean hello they are not going to be truthful and they obviously haven't dealt with deceit and manipulation.

Pallisers · 13/04/2017 15:36

Why do some posters say just ask him. I mean hello they are not going to be truthful and they obviously haven't dealt with deceit and manipulation.

Because his reaction might give you a fair idea of whether he is lying or not.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/04/2017 15:41

Whether or not he has cheated is irrelevant here really. The fact that you suspect him of something, despite no evidence of anything other than an alarm log, is very odd and indicative of a total lack of trust and openness between the two of you.

Do you love him? Do you feel he loves you?

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 15:42

Not if he's a good liar. All you've done is tip him off to be more careful.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 13/04/2017 15:46

Not if he's a good liar. All you've done is tip him off to be more careful.
Exactly. I always think the same when I read the obligatory 'just ask him'. If only it were that easy.

I have a lot of faith in my gut feelings OP. More than most maybe, but it's never been wrong so far. You know what you feel. I get the sense your marriage is generally not great, if you immediately jump to him cheating. Does he have previous? Are you having other problems bar him complaining about your sex life?

Pallisers · 13/04/2017 16:00

Not if he's a good liar. All you've done is tip him off to be more careful.

Yes i suppose you are right. I just feel if I were at the point where I was avoiding tipping off my husband that I suspect him of cheating on me and concealing it and lying, it would be pretty much over for us anyway. How do you get back from that? If you don't find evidence it doesn't help as you will still suspect him.

category12 · 13/04/2017 16:06

It would fit with letting someone out late at night. Odd to sleep all day if he'd had an 'early night' unless he was ill.

I think the fact you're feeling the need to check up on him means you're subconsciously picking up on something.

Shayelle · 13/04/2017 16:07

Just a thought, if there was a powercut that happened in the night could it have turned off? Doesnt explain the behaviour of sleeping all day though.

Original poster
changedname17 · 13/04/2017 18:17

Sorry haven't given enough info really. We are very happy and love each other a lot. I think of him as my best friend and likewise I am his. The sex comments were said in jest and not meant to offend me, I was just looking for any difference in his behaviour and that's the only thing I could think of.

When we first got together it was under a bit of a dark cloud as he was dating several other girls at the same time, his argument is that he was single and entitled to and didn't realise we would get serious, which is fine and I get, the problem is he lied a lot to me at the beginning because of this (before we were really official). I guess I've never really got over the fact he was able to lie to me and was also very good at it! For that reason I don't think I will ever be able to trust him 100%, but I'd say I trusted him 99%.

He's given me no reason to ever suspect him since we've been official him apart from this alarm thing, he isn't shifty with his phone and leaves it lying around, never stays out, always comes home straight from work etc. I have never accused him of anything either before.

I can't explain why 2 weeks after this happened, something has suddenly clicked with me to suspect him. I just have this really strong gut feeling about this and it's making me feel sick inside. I've never had this before.
I know if I bring it up he will deny anyway, but not sure I will able to keep this to myself as it's eating me up. It sounds so silly as it's over something so ridiculous that doesn't really prove anything. But now I feel obsessed about it.
We are TTC at the moment and I think that's probably another reason why I feel like I really need to know the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedname17 · 13/04/2017 18:18

Shayelle, good point but it's backed up to a generator so that couldn't happen sadly

OP posts:
category12 · 13/04/2017 20:24

I should stop ttc temporarily and just give a bit of time/space, see what happens.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 13/04/2017 21:59

How do you know he went upstairs at half 11? Be a use of my alarm log said that my first thought would be that dh went out to the pub and got in at 2 turned the alarm off and never set it again because he was drunk rather than that he'd got up again at 2am and switched it off.

PastaOfMuppets · 14/04/2017 09:22

If my DH did this I'd assume he was drunk.

Shayelle · 14/04/2017 09:31

Why would your partner even make a joke about being unsatisfied with your sex life tho, its not funny, its hurtful, each to their own tho, maybe some people would find it funny Confused

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