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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ridiculous fight with MIL

30 replies

User39912014 · 10/04/2017 17:33

Hey everyone.

Never posted anything before so looking for some advice I guess?

Me and DH have been together 6 years - we have a 3 year old. My MIL has never really liked me - she's very religious and always resented the fact that we had our DC out of wedlock and that I have tattoos and come from working class etc. She's never made it obvious but you know when you know.

Anyway over Christmas we had a huge argument and it resulted in us having no contact since then. She's even blocked me on facebook.

We've all now been invited to go over for an Easter Sunday meal at the in laws. It'll just be me DH DC, my in laws and her parents.

I really really don't want to go - DH doesn't really like to get involved which I understand. But if I go I'm going to be made fo feel unwelcome and I'll be so uncomfortable. But I don't wanna cause anymore grief.

What would you do??

OP posts:
Dowser · 10/04/2017 17:45

She's maybe wanting to be friends again.
Why not ring her and have a chat.
If she sounds happy to chat about nothing with a bit of warmth in her voice.
If she's frosty and dismissive I wouldn't.

happypoobum · 10/04/2017 17:53

Let him go if he wants to and you do something you want to do?

magoria · 10/04/2017 18:09

Don't go. It is one meal on the Sunday. Let DH go if he wants.

You and DC can do something lovely together. Make chocolate cornflake cakes and put mini eggs on top etc?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/04/2017 18:10

Could you leave and go home easily, if it kicks off?

Gwilt160981 · 10/04/2017 18:13

You can either stay away...

Or be the bigger person and swallow your pride (grit teeth in process)and go.

Remember to practice ducking in case the gravy boat goes flying.

PerspicaciaTick · 10/04/2017 18:22

I think that, unless you have concrete reasons to think the meal is just an excuse to be rude to you, you should treat this as an olive branch and and attempt to start afresh.
If the meal goes well then you can both look at working to rebuild some sort of relationship.
If the mean goes badly then you are justified in refusing an future attempts by MiL to drag you back in.

Original poster
User39912014 · 10/04/2017 18:24

I highly doubt she wants to be friends. She's a bit of a narcissistic.
I had PND and she called me 'lazy and attention seeking'.
She offers to help with childcare but says I'm ungrateful (even though I make a point of saying thank you every time)
She accuses me of being uncaring towards DH because I occasionally ask him to stop on his way home from work to pick up milk or bread etc.
She said I was delaying my child's development because I choose to raise him in a bilingual household.
I never said anything because I always craved for her approval. Until Christmas that is.
But I feel bad for DH being in this awkward situation and don't want to make things worse by not going. But also don't want to put myself in that stressful situation of being there.
I wouldn't be able to not let my DS go, though.

OP posts:
Starlighter · 10/04/2017 18:27

I second giving her a call first.

It's must've taken a lot for her to invite you all over, maybe she's trying to make amends. One last chance and make it clear to DH that there are no more chances - after this one!

PerspicaciaTick · 10/04/2017 18:32

User, all those points in your most recent post - they are the concrete reasons I was talking about which make it a reasonable assumption that the meal is an excuse to continue the rudeness.

I'd be tempted to come up with an excuse for not going - let DH go while you relax doing something you enjoy.

StewieGMum · 10/04/2017 18:39

None of those are 'ridiculous' reasons for a fight. That's quite cruel behaviour and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Don't go.

skincarejunkie · 10/04/2017 18:44

My Dh would have gone bananas at his dm for that lot. Unless he's playing no part in your family life, he's part of her "problem". Isn't he backing you?

Original poster
User39912014 · 10/04/2017 19:05

Oh my, those are just a couple of the very minor examples of how she's been with me. Tip of the iceberg!

DH doesn't get involved. Which I guess does bother me, I feel like he should definitely be on my side, but I don't wanna make him feel like he has to choose between us, because that's not how it should be.

I wish I had the balls to tell her "no I won't be going because you're a narcissistic bitch."

OP posts:
Original poster
User39912014 · 10/04/2017 19:07

Also, I don't think I was specifically invited, DH told me that she said she's hosting Easter Sunday at her house this year. Meaning everyone is invited?
And she does this at every religious event so the meal itself isn't suspicious.

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 10/04/2017 23:16

I would neither host at my home, nor go to the house of someone as a guest, if they had cut me off & were not talking to me.

If they had contacted me and personally invited me, I might consider going, depending on the situation.

You haven't actually been personally invited have you? DH says she's hosting, and he may assume that includes you, but unless she's specifically said so then she may not be expecting or wanting you to come, and may not let you in! So, if she wants you to come, she needs to talk to you - why would she invite you if she won't talk to you - just for the purpose of ignoring you?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 10/04/2017 23:18

I would probably go on this occasion and be the 'bigger' person but if it kicked off again that would be it.

JennyWoodentop · 10/04/2017 23:18

oh, and people don't have to like me, but if they can't be civil to me then they don't get to see my kids - especially when I am not there

Original poster
User39912014 · 16/04/2017 14:18

Guys I've been persuaded to go.. "I'd really like you to go, for me and for DS" ... Damn it.

Please everyone pray for me!!! Really anxious to go but I'm trying to look at the positives.... free food.

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 16/04/2017 14:21

Good luck.

Can you leave if it is too much for you, it does sound like you have a DH problem though.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 14:21

If she's even vaguely obnoxious, get up and leave. Does she want the grandchild but not really you? Dh really needs to step up and support you.

Original poster
User39912014 · 16/04/2017 14:25

I don't know what else to say to DH that I haven't said already.

He knows exactly how I feel about going today. In about an hour actually.

He seems to think maybe this is an olive branch from her... but I know her, and I know this is a courtesy invite, because she would seem like the bad person by not inviting me.

FML.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 16/04/2017 14:31

Oh god this is awful for you, surely your dh knows she's manipulative? I guess you can just go and be really nice, over the top. That would piss her right off Grin

I went to a family thing the other day and just completely ignored the family member we don't get on with, it's surprisingly easy when you have kids

UpYerGansey · 16/04/2017 14:35

Paste on a smile, bring a nice bouquet, be utterly charming, and leave at the earliest opportunity

Badgoushk · 16/04/2017 14:37

Good luck!!

trussstinmeee · 16/04/2017 14:45

People like that don't change. I fear it will be the same as last time for you, but at least you will have tried.

happypoobum · 16/04/2017 14:59

Can you drive so that you can leave if you want to?

Don't be on your own with her - good luck!