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Original poster

Online Dating Advice?

39 replies

UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 18:45

Hi all, recently started online dating and have "met" a guy that I really like. I instigated the messaging but he replied straight away and over the past week we've been exchanging chatty messages online. Yesterday morning he messaged me with his phone number and requested that I message him using that.
We exchanged a few messages that morning via text but he didn't reply to my last message, this was mid morning yesterday morning.
I can see via the online site that he was active briefly this morning.

Now I'm fully aware that I'm massively overthinking this, but this is the first time I've liked someone in a long time, and I'm really keen to talk more. I'm really worried that my last message was offputting in some way and that I've blown my chances, I don't want to message a second time and be desperate. Any advice?

(Please be kind, I realise that this is such a pathetic non-issue but I've had a really shit time of it the last month, and haven't got much else going on!)

OP posts:
TheFifthKey · 08/04/2017 18:49

Ok, you haven't even met yet - have you made a date to meet? If not you are massively over investing! You need to disengage, go away and go something else, don't think about it. If he's that easily put off, he's not worth it anyway, and if he wants to contact you, he will, 100%. Men talk to the women they want to talk to, is the long and the short of it. Go and enjoy the sunshine, stop checking!

Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 18:50

i would let him do the chasing, remember you're the prize, start as you mean to go on

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2017 18:51

What did you put in your last message?

Platimum · 08/04/2017 18:52

Don"t worry. Maybe you did reveal something that made him realise he didnt want to pursue it. But it is all sm9ke and mirrors til you have met. Dont get in to too much chatting before meeting.
im quite blunt now. I say 'i'll tell you the answer to that when we meet", rather than getting in to big life story exchanges before you even meet.
Plus, dont give your number to a man until you have already made the decision to meet.

Platimum · 08/04/2017 18:54

Ps always chat to a few men at once to stop you from caring when one chat dwindles.

Original poster
UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 18:55

TheFifthKey That's where my logical brain is! Unfortunately I haven't caught up with it yet. I'm housebound this weekend looking after my siblings, so am having a higher than normal amount of time to stew...

Greyhoundgal30 Very true!

loveyoutothemoon he wrote about having a nickname at school and I replied with my nickname being a geeky one. He'd asked me what restaurants I like too so that was in there. I know I'm massively overthinking it but I'm worried that I portrayed myself as some kind of highschool nerd I kind of was though and now think he's put off which in reality is rather unlikely as he's very into "geeky" things

I have an anxiety disorder, so I think my mind is using this as an excuse to worry tbh. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 18:56

Platimum True. Actually up until this guy I'd built this idea that they aren't "real" until I've actually met them, to try and avoid this situation. Not in a nasty way, just keeping a distance IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 08/04/2017 18:59

Move on to the next one. Let him chase you and try not to do the looking to see if he has been on line thing. Really hard not to I know. Control the controllable

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2017 19:01

I think maybe you're over thinking it. As you didn't reply with a question it was probably the end of the conversation. Did you ask him back what restaurants he likes?

purplecoathanger · 08/04/2017 19:02

If you're going to do online dating, the first thing you must do is grow a thick skin. Guys will mess you about, that's for sure. Just when you think you might actually meet, you never hear from them again. Or, you have one date and that's it. Be prepared for that.

You have no idea who these men are and what they're after. Many like chatting and not meeting, many are married, some are just after sex, some have their bar set so high, no woman will be good enough.

As Platimum says until you meet, the contact means nothing. You cannot know whether there's a spark there through texts and messaging.

Please follow the basics as well. Don't give personal information away. If you go on a date, tell someone where and when. Take your time with getting to know them. There are scammers on there who want your money.

Platimum · 08/04/2017 19:04

Yes, go back to that mindset!
I feel it is like posting on a forum until after you've met. Yeh you click instantly with some men but online rapports can be online rapport and just that. I have had an easy on line rapport a few times and then struggled to make convo in rl. That is an extreme contrast. But it did happen once!
The man i split from recently, we were very close but the chemistry wasnt there.
So postpone making any judgement until after you''ve met.
The point at which i start to feel anxious is after 3 or 4 dates. So it is not like im a robot here!! But i think the more you do OLD the point at which you feel anxiety gets postponed further along.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/04/2017 19:04

Your message was fine! He's probably just doing other stuff. I do think it can be helpful to be chatting to a few other people so if one goes quiet you can just chat to someone else! Stops you over investing and freaking yourself out Smile

Platimum · 08/04/2017 19:09

It is true that some men have their bar set very high! It has happened to me. Once. Met this guy, fabulous date, chemistry, humour etc. Never heard from him again. And if i had to speculate as to why id say he thought he could "get" better if he looked harder. Maybe he could have. I saw him today. Climbing out of 17 year old micra, limping Confused

scoobydoo1971 · 08/04/2017 19:11

If you have an anxiety disorder, not sure the OLD scene would be right for you. It is possible to meet someone nice, but I think you have to be super-picky and super-lucky to achieve that. Mostly it is a meat-market for flings and online chats, and you never know who these people are until you have known them for ages in real-life. To be fair, you have to tread with caution and treat every word a man from there tells you like a pinch of salt. If you present - online or when you meet up - as someone anxious then it could be abused by some of the predatory types on these websites who are after sex, money, an emotional crutch or someone to hurt. You may achieve better results taking an evening class, doing a sport or events on meet-up or something similar.

Original poster
UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 19:28

Did you ask him back what restaurants he likes? I did but it was just "you?" and is very lost in the message as my stupid phone doesn't do paragraphs

scoobydoo1971 I'm starting a new job soon, so I'm hoping that'll broaden my horizons a bit; not necessarily with dating but at least getting out of the house and meeting new people.

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 19:31

IMO, handing out mobile phone numbers until date is arranged only, there's no need to otherwise.

DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 19:32

*I had a guy try to get my number after a couple of online messages, probably after sexting, there's no need for it.

Platimum · 08/04/2017 19:33

Agree, my whatsapp is chocka with men ill never contact again! So annoying. Ive deleted them from my phone contacts and uninstalled and reinstalled whatsapp and they're all still there. So annoying!

Original poster
UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 19:38

DevelopingDetritus I kinda hoped that's where this was leading, he was not the first guy to want to exchange numbers but the first one I actually agreed to do so with.

Platimum I had that from last time I was on OLD, I'm much pickier with who I give details to now.

It's probably abundantly clear that a dull weekend has lead to overthinking.
For a start I know that he's at work today, and works 2 jobs so long hours... I probably need to get a grip or two!

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 20:11

Oh right, so you wanted sexting, fair enough.

Original poster
UndergroundOverground · 08/04/2017 20:20

DevelopingDetritus what?! No! I meant to arrange a date!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/04/2017 20:24

I think this will probably drift naturally now. He won't chase. Your answer was a convo ender

Nomoreworkathome · 08/04/2017 20:34

Have a look here Lots of lovely people

user1490465531 · 08/04/2017 20:37

agreed....so many time wasters on old most men just wanting a chat to pass the time or think they are entitled to a supermodel.....amazed how women get dates on there tbh......

DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 21:22

Oh ok sorry. What I meant was, talk about meeting up for the date via online message system then exchange numbers. Maybe a couple of days before only, there's no need to exchange phone numbers before then I don't think.

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