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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ami wasting my time?

29 replies

Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 09:24

I've been seeing a guy for a few years, it's never really progressed that much due to various reasons even though we both wanted it to.
One of the main reasons I have been reluctant is because he works a crazy amount of hours and it's not an option to reduce those hours, well not to keep him. He is adamant that he needs to work that much to pay bills, mortgage etc.
We are never able to plan anything together, holidays are usually out the question.
I feel like I'm missing out on so much, I love him but I just want a normal relationship.

I've tried so many times to explain that my needs aren't being met and it's selfish to expect someone to wait around for you all the time. Am I being unfair? The way I see it is that is his priority.
How many of you ladies would settle for swing your man just a few hours a week?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 08/04/2017 09:33

Nope. A life long commitment is life long. You need to be sure that the person you are committing to has the same values, life goals and both your needs are met.

So far, his needs are being met, yours are not. He is happy with the way things are and has no desire to meet your needs.

So you have a pretty clear idea of what will happen in 2 yrs, 5 yrs 10yrs. His needs will be met. Your will not.

Many people have ended relationships with people they love because they realise they are not a good match with that person for a life long commitment. It is smart and ultimately will lead everyone to happier relationships

tissuesosoft · 08/04/2017 09:36

My DP is out of the house for work 5.30am till 8pm on a shift basis (and does night shifts too). Our DD can go 4-5 days without seeing him even though we live together. Just the way it is- I also work but he earns a lot more, if he dropped to a job with less hours we wouldn't be able to afford the rent, childcare etc.

Have you discussed the idea of living together? Why are holidays out of the question?

tissuesosoft · 08/04/2017 09:37

Sorry, my point of my post was to say- in some circumstances it is unavoidable with not seeing each other a lot but after a few years there has to be an equal level of commitment. If he isn't willing to live together, book holidays etc then it sounds like it's time for you to move on

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 09:44

Apparently he can't commit to anything as he is in a management role and anyone of sick or leaving etc he has to cover

OP posts:
Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 09:44

The work hours are about 90 a week by the way

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/04/2017 09:45

You don't both want your relationship to progress: you want this, he doesn't. Sorry.

Dozer · 08/04/2017 09:46

He wants to work more than he wants to spend time with you. He knows you are unhappy with this and does not wish to make changes. Yes you are wasting your time.

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 09:47

Thanks ladies

OP posts:
AlcoholAndIrony · 08/04/2017 09:58

If you feel like you're missing out, it will only continue to get worse the longer you continue to see him.

Different thing, but I had a partner who was unemployed. I was solvent. They were not. We didn't go out. We didn't plan holidays. I missed out on loads and there was no way to develop our relationship. It was rubbish and I wasted so much time and opportunity.

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 10:04

I guess part of me feels
Like I would never meet anyone else and I know that's not a reason to stay

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/04/2017 10:07

Why do you think that? It's illogical.

Do you want DC? If so even more reason not to waste time with this man.

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 10:09

I have children already, don't want anymore

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2017 10:10

I'm taking it he does over 12 hours a day 7 days a week? Or is it irregular, do these hours take up his evenings?

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 10:12

14 hour days 6 days a week

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/04/2017 10:14

So he isn't offering the kind of relationship you now want. Moving on would be for the best.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2017 10:16

Does it take up whole evenings?

JaniceBattersby · 08/04/2017 10:17

You are wasting your time. Working those hours is a choice. Everyone can move into a smaller house / take less holidays / have a less fancy car in order to work less hours. He doesn't want to.

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 10:18

Yes it takes up the whole evenings sometimes till 1 am

OP posts:
Flightywoman · 08/04/2017 10:24

Sounds to me like he's married....

Original poster
Greyhoundgal30 · 08/04/2017 10:25

He isn't married I visit his home

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2017 10:27

Blimey.

So obviously 1 day off a week isn't enough time together, it wouldn't be for me either. Do you want to carry on being miserable? He's already stressed that it's not going to change. You are wasting your time. Do yourself a favour, get out and meet other people ASAP.

GoodDayToYou · 08/04/2017 10:36

It does sound like he's telling you what he wants and expecting you to fit in. If this has been going on for years, I think you have your answer. It's time for you to focus on what you want.

DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 11:18

I think not taking holiday time is ridiculous, he's married to his work. I think it's ultimatum time OP.

Nomoreworkathome · 08/04/2017 11:26

I think if you continue you will have regrets. He is clearly getting what he wants so there is no reason for him to make any adjustments. I don't believe for a second that somebody 'has' to work so hard they can't even have a few days away. He is obviously choosing to. His priority is work and nothing else at this point. As difficult as it is I think you need to let this one go.

Trustyourself2 · 08/04/2017 11:27

You have a part time relationship and he's in control of it. It's soul destroying waiting for your DP to be available to you. From the sound of it, it won't change. Nobody's indispensable at work, so he could make more of an effort if he really wanted to, and everyone's entitled to a holiday. I was with someone similar to this and I always felt like 2nd best, he just couldn't see that though.

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