Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn

31 replies

banbanthevan · 05/04/2017 23:04

Sex life not great with DP. Once every 3 weeks. We have DCS. I've been feeling v uncertain about out relationship lately and haven't been able to put my finger on the reason why.
Began talking to DP about women's bodies in general, them onto porn. I asked him if he watches it. He says he watches porn and pleasures himself as he does so around twice a month.
I told him this made me feel.quite uncomfortable as we don't have sex much more than that, probably less. He replied "all men do it."
I've come to bed feeling a little unpleasant about it and not sure this is the case. Do all men wank away to porn?

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 05/04/2017 23:06

Maybe. At some points in their life

But it's up to them isn't it?

BlondeBecky1983 · 05/04/2017 23:15

I think the vast majority do even if their DPs think they don't...

hideehigh · 05/04/2017 23:16

I think it's quite normal, OP. And it's good that he didn't hide it from you...
you sound down in the dumps though Flowers

AnyFucker · 05/04/2017 23:17

Not all men use porn. Some of them grow out of it.

Klaphat · 05/04/2017 23:19

All men do not do it. And there will be a good handful of posters to come along and a) try to turn this around to you being 'insecure' and b) suggest that anyone who says their OH doesn't watch porn is deluded, with varying levels of childish sniggering. Presumably to make themselves feel better that a porn discussion they had with their OH came to an unsatisfactory conclusion, yet they stayed with him.

samanthajayne17 · 05/04/2017 23:30

Not all men watch porn and not all men 'wank either. The woman who say ' your partner is lying to you if he says he doesn't watch porn are just woman trying to justify it to make themselves feel better about it and to 'normalise' it because they hate that part of their partner. It annoys me when woman say all men Watch porn as if they live with every man on earth. I think porn is dangerous in a relationship because it can easily make the other person feel inadequate and I understand how you feel OP. If he's watching porn and pleasuring himself to that more times than having sex with you then he's being unfair and it's very wrong.

BlueberryMarshmallow · 05/04/2017 23:31

I wouldn't say all men, but a large percentage do. I work in a very male dominated job and porn conversations come up a lot! Porn is just fantasy and something to watch for the release, even the blokes in the office agree that it's completely different to sex in real life and often very unrealistic.
It's not nice to think about but he has been honest with you about something he could have easily kept quiet Flowers

LucieLucie · 05/04/2017 23:36

Yes I'd say watching porn is a standard daily habit these days.
It becomes a problem when it's kept secret and used to replace intimacy with you.

LesisMiserable · 05/04/2017 23:38

Literally not a single person can answer your question definitively. Who the fuck knows if all men do it? Certainly nobody on this thread can give you anything other than an opinion unless they monitor their partner 24/7. If its a problem for you though, what are you going to do?

Dadaist · 05/04/2017 23:42

But whether he is using porn or the underwear section of the catalogue, isn't the real issue that you feel a little neglected, only to discover that what interest he does have is devoted elsewhere to an equal degree!
I'd be a little upset at that tbh OP.
Soo - really I think you should pick up the discussion again and be prepared to consider things separately- one is using porn (as opposed to imagination) and the other is why constitutes half of his sex life ? But be prepared- he may have a kink you didn't know about that he's reluctant to share. It might be something that really doesn't appeal to you - or it open up new things
If you are too judgemental he may not want to speak openly though.

Thephoneywar · 05/04/2017 23:59

So twice a month he has a wank. So what? Is it the masturbation you object to or the use of porn while doing it?

Do you never masturbate? How would you like it if your partner objected to your masturbation habits?

Garlicansapphire · 06/04/2017 00:05

I would have sworn my XH didn't use porn till we broke up and I found his collection. I was shocked and felt very naive. It didn't fit with the right on public image he liked to project. I then started to assume most men did use porn, but I have met a couple of guys who I've dated who really didn't use it. So - there you go. I think its the majority of men but definitely not all who use it.

Original poster
banbanthevan · 06/04/2017 07:44

I think the issue really is that he neglects sex with me but chooses to use porn. I'd always put it down to his low sex drive, but apparently not. It's really knocked my self esteem.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 06/04/2017 07:48

No, not all men have little interest in sex and prefer to wank to porn.

I feel sorry for the women saying they do.

He doesn't sound like a very caring partner op. What does he say when you say you'd like sex more often?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/04/2017 07:50

Sometimes people don't want sex but want a quick release - and he is using porn for that.

Question - Would you be ok with the wanking twice a month if porn wasn't involved?

TheNaze73 · 06/04/2017 07:55

I don't think all men porn but, would have assumed most wanked. Sounds like you need to get to the root cause of why he's using porn, is it niche stuff? There's an inherent issue if he's chosen porn over sex with you. Could you make time to have a weekend away & have a frank discussion about likes & dislikes? You never know, you might surprise each other. Good luck

RadiatorWatch · 06/04/2017 08:02

I think it only becomes a problem if he would rather wank than have sex with his wife.
Why the lack of sex? Is it on his part or yours?

hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2017 08:02

A lot of people are OK with porn.
However.... when it starts to affect your sex life and your relationship then it's not OK.
Could you have some couples counselling.

I lost my recent ExP to his porn addiction and the need to have his ego stroked and live out his porn fantasies with OW!

As for your DH - twice a month wouldn't necessarily bother me.
But this is YOU and your boundaries.
Could you have a proper talk to him and discuss how you feel about your lack of sex life?

ems137 · 06/04/2017 08:12

It really annoys me when people say that all men watch porn, no they don't!!

Anyway, twice a month isn't very often at all but if you feel that you're sex life is suffering because of it then that's where the problem is.

DrMorbius · 06/04/2017 08:12

I once read many years ago that most men, up to their 40's masturbate between 5 and 7 times per week. If your DH only does it twice per month i would say he is an outlier and has a very low sex drive. However as pp have said, that is not the really issue here. His not wanting intimacy with you is the issue.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 06/04/2017 08:17

Yes, ems, like the pp who has surveyed all men between 14-75 and decided they all use porn daily.
Bizarre.

Kittencatkins123 · 06/04/2017 09:39

Hmmm well my boyfriend doesn't use porn but I walked out of his house to go for a run the other day and a guy was parked outside on the street LOOKING AT PORN ON HIS PHONE! Urgh.

My feeling is twice a month may not be the full picture but I always find specific amounts a bit suss.

Has he always had a low sex drive or has this crept in recently?

Could you see a counsellor to discuss the lack of intimacy and any other issues in the relationship?

Have you tried the date night/getting away for a weekend stuff?

Is he loving and affectionate aside from that?

Does he realise/acknowledge you're unhappy and want to tackle it?

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 09:54

No not all men watch porn; as AF says, a lot grow out of it; yes the occasion look but really if your partner is using it regularly and you are not having a satisfying and regular sex life then there's your answer; it's a problem; don't try and convince yourself otherwise just because some people need to use porn frequently; personally I'd find it the biggest turn off and it would definitely be a negative effect on my relationship; he's being selfish.

JesusTwerks · 06/04/2017 09:59

I think the vast majority do even if their DPs think they don't

You have no evidence of this what so ever. Please use your brain.

LesisMiserable · 06/04/2017 10:22

As I said upthread - not one of you can make a definitively statement of fact either way. What you might believe of your partner is another matter. I get the low sex drive thing though...its hard to accept that the attention and intimacy that should be going into the relationship is actually being "wasted" in favour of wanking over porn. That isn't a sex thing, its an intimacy thing and its excruciating if you're on the end of the deprivation it causes.