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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you warn her?

47 replies

AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 17:17

I'm NC with my brother because he is a vile, abusive human being. He is getting married this Summer for the second time. His fiancee has three young daughters.

He cheated on his first wife - with ordinary women and with prostitutes - and blamed her for it, telling her that it was because she wasn't attractive enough. He sometimes went on drinking binges lasting several days, ending up in hospital many times with alcohol poisoning. Since splitting with his ex, he has harassed and threatened her, let his kids down by not turning up at birthdays and Christmas, and just generally been a total arsehole.

His fiancee has no idea about any of this. Since he met her, he has been in one of his 'dry' patches and has not been drinking (although he has not been through treatment/rehab/AA or anything - he does this from time to time, to prove that he can cure himself of alcoholism). So this woman thinks that she is marrying a moderate, gentle, faithful man whose evil sister doesn't speak to him with no good reason.

I don't know this woman and have never met her but I spend a lot of time wishing that I could warn her about him.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 29/03/2017 17:20

She won't believed you op.

strawberryblondebint · 29/03/2017 17:20

Personally and speaking as a recovering alcoholic I would tell her. If he's not on a programme he will likely relapse and ruin her life. It will be hard though. She likely won't believe you. But at least you will have tried

McCunty · 29/03/2017 17:24

I wouldn't bother, she won't listen to you, I would just leave it, people soon find out for themselves, unfortunately there really is no point in getting involved, your just be blamed and still be the evil one.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 29/03/2017 17:27

She probably won't believe a word of it if he has portrayed you as an evil person who is bizarrely no contact with him. Despite that, if there is no one else to tell her, I think I would have to as her children are involved.

Is there anyone else in your family who he is in contact with who could give her a heads up? She would be more likely to listen to them.

I would want to know if the person I was moving into my children's home turned into an abusive, sot when drunk and that he had a tendency to drink heavily for long periods of time.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2017 17:32

Keep out of it; not your business

Greylilypad · 29/03/2017 17:33

I would try and tell her. My dad was a terrible alcoholic and my mum said she was so innocent and naive when she married him, she said she wished his family (who knew what he was like) had given her some clue or warning. Who knows if she would have listened or if this woman will listen to you, but I would try.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/03/2017 17:34

You could write her an anonymous letter?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/03/2017 17:34

How frustrating for you but no, absolutely I wouldn't contact her - she won't believe you and until she realises the truth you will be portrayed as someone trying to ruin her special day. It seems harsh but really it's not going to make any difference and will only, in the short term at least, cause division and upset which you will be perpetrator of - however justified your actions might be.

If, however, you really feel you have to contact her can you protect yourself - is there any way you could do it anonymously?

Universitychallenging · 29/03/2017 17:35

She won't believe you but at least you'll feel you tried?

LineysRun · 29/03/2017 17:36

I agree with those saying that she won't believe you. Sadly.

SorrelSoup · 29/03/2017 17:37

Have you got anything to lose by telling her?

Destinysdaughter · 29/03/2017 17:40

Do you have any proof, emails, fb messages etc? Might carry more weight than just your word against his. I'd be inclined to warn her as at least you've done your bit and won't need to feel guilty when it all goes tits up!

CutiePatootie1 · 29/03/2017 17:40

Send an anonymous letter/email?

Greylilypad · 29/03/2017 17:42

What have you got to lose? Yes she might well not believe you;yes, you could well be portrayed as a liar/terrible person but you don't even know her now and are NC with him so this is hardly a major consequence. Before long, he will reveal himself and she will know then you were telling the truth anyway. Are your parents around?

Original poster
AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 18:54

Thank you for all your replies. My mum is around, but we do not have a close relationship and she truly believes that he has changed. She knows about the drinking and the violence but not the cheating or the sex workers.

Before his first wedding, I sent his wife a message warning her that he had a drink problem but I met up with her recently and it transpired that she never saw it (he knew we were chatting, so logged onto her Facebook, read my message and replied, pretending to be her, saying that she was fine with it and loved and supported him, then deleted the conversation). So she didn't find out until his first bender a few months after the wedding. She is very grateful to me for trying to warn her.

You're right, though: she probably wouldn't believe me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 18:55

ps: absolutely no shade on alkies - I am one myself (dry for 5 years).

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 29/03/2017 18:57

I think you should warn her. He may have shown a bit of what he can be like but not enough to raise concerns. However, you telling her this may heighten her senses or even if they get married, she may spot it earlier because you warned her.

SilverDiary · 29/03/2017 19:24

Warn her? I would. You could make it extremely anonymous if you needed to. I wouldn't bother getting involved further though, consequences-wise, I'd keep out completely after one serious warning.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/03/2017 19:33

Just to play Devil's Advocate here - is it possible that he has changed? Did all of his previous terrible behaviour occur while he was drinking? If so, he could be recovered now - as you yourself are.

If not, and he was violent, cheating and fucking prostitutes whilst sober enough to know not to, then definitely warn her.

She may not believe you, but also - maybe she will believe enough to ask some questions.

debbs77 · 29/03/2017 19:41

I would tell her. If she chooses to listen or not is up to her. I wish people had told me stuff they knew xx

Original poster
AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 19:50

Good question, Santa. A lot of it was done whilst stone cold sober, I'm afraid. He has always been a horrible, bigoted, self-seeking bully. And I'm sure there are people in the world who can go from meths-swilling (seriously: when he is on a binge he will drink mouthwash, perfume, literally anything that contains alcohol) to sobriety with no outside help but I am certain that my brother is not one of them. He will relapse again and again because he thinks that AA is for religious people and that he is too clever for therapy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2017 20:30

No contact means NO CONTACT. This whole situation is absolutely none of your business.

Original poster
AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 20:45

I wasn't planning on having any contact with him. I hope I will never have to see him again.

OP posts:
Forflipssake2 · 29/03/2017 20:53

Would his ex wife send her a friendly message?

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 20:54

I think you should warn her. He may have shown a bit of what he can be like but not enough to raise concerns. However, you telling her this may heighten her senses or even if they get married, she may spot it earlier because you warned her.

Though you have unfinished business with him yourself. Your hate shines through. I don't mean that badly, but it will be a relief for you if you can get to a place where you feel mostly indifference. Hate does tie up a lot of energy!