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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you warn her?

47 replies

AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 17:17

I'm NC with my brother because he is a vile, abusive human being. He is getting married this Summer for the second time. His fiancee has three young daughters.

He cheated on his first wife - with ordinary women and with prostitutes - and blamed her for it, telling her that it was because she wasn't attractive enough. He sometimes went on drinking binges lasting several days, ending up in hospital many times with alcohol poisoning. Since splitting with his ex, he has harassed and threatened her, let his kids down by not turning up at birthdays and Christmas, and just generally been a total arsehole.

His fiancee has no idea about any of this. Since he met her, he has been in one of his 'dry' patches and has not been drinking (although he has not been through treatment/rehab/AA or anything - he does this from time to time, to prove that he can cure himself of alcoholism). So this woman thinks that she is marrying a moderate, gentle, faithful man whose evil sister doesn't speak to him with no good reason.

I don't know this woman and have never met her but I spend a lot of time wishing that I could warn her about him.

What would you do?

OP posts:

ferando81 · 29/03/2017 21:08

Tell her.If she doesn't believe her that's her fault.Proof ,in the form of other witnesses to his behaviour would be good.

Original poster

AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 21:10

You are right, SeaEagleFeather. I have another thread going at the moment, describing my own issues with him. I am trying to keep the two separate as much as I can because I genuinely want to protect another woman and her kids from all his crap.

I don't think she would listen to his ex wife. Although his ex is a really lovely person (not perfect by any means but decent and good-hearted), my brother and my mum absolutely despise her for leaving him (and for insisting on supervised contact only with the children at first due to his alcohol abuse and violence) and have probably painted her in a very negative light to the new fiancee.

OP posts:

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 29/03/2017 21:10

I'd tell her. I'd hope somebody would tell me.

I agree with PP that she might not believe you, but it might give her enough "hmmm" to arm herself when (not if) he starts showing his stripes.

Evidence, if you have it, may help. The ex-wife putting her tuppen'orth in may help. But just do what you can, leave the door open for her if she wants it and then put it out of your mind.

Why does your mother not know about his cheating, may one ask?

Original poster

AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 21:14

What I meant to say, SeaEagleFeather, is that I DO hate him, and it is exhausting. I would like to move on and forget about him completely, but it's so hard when my mum is constantly on at me to reunite with him and 'love and support him through his problems'. She won't leave it alone and won't accept that I have good reasons to not want anything to do with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlisonDonaldson · 29/03/2017 21:16

Why does your mother not know about his cheating, may one ask?

Well, no-one told her. I didn't find out about it myself until recently. She doesn't know about the sex workers either. There is a lot she doesn't know. All she knows is that my brother is a drunk and my SIL threw him out when he became violent.

OP posts:

Menssanaincorporesano · 29/03/2017 21:47

I was a "horrible, self-seeking" twat. While I was with a partner I despised. I acted despicably, I cheated, I am ashamed of my behaviour. But that wasn't the real me: it was a two-year manifestation of the me that was a result of massive disenchantment with my partner. Not making excuses, but I behaved very differently for two years and am now back to my normal, honourable self, now I'm away from the dick that was my partner, and now I'm feeling so much better about myself.

Menssanaincorporesano · 29/03/2017 21:49

Sorry- my point is: people can change.

Zumbarunswim · 29/03/2017 22:00

Yes but I don't think someone violent or abusive can change unless they are self aware and do serious work and it doesn't sound like he is. I agree with what pp said about warning so that at least when he starts to show his true colours she knows it's not a blip. Yes she won't want to believe you just now but having the knowledge may help her escape earlier as she'll be in a better position to make sense of everything instead of blaming herself and holding on until he "goes back to normal"

Ohyesiam · 29/03/2017 22:11

I should want a heads up if it was me.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 22:16

I'm all in favour of giving people fair warning, however, you say he's an abusive cunt even when sober, so chances are she's experiencing it already.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 29/03/2017 22:20

I'm surprised so many people are saying it's none of your business.

You are in a situation where you know an abusive man is about to marry a woman who not only has no idea but is presumably also going to let him be around her young daughters? Alone?

You have to tell her. Even if she does not believe you it is still your responsibility.

SouthWestmom · 29/03/2017 22:20

So the first wife told you that he had confessed to logging on to her account etc?

And he's an alcoholic and you think not changed?

I'd let the new fiancée know.

MsGameandWatch · 29/03/2017 22:24

I would tell her because when it goes wrong and he is dismantling her life and sanity she will at least know that it's not her because he has form for this. Knowing that would be priceless and might stop her from keeping on "working" at the relationship as so many women feel they must.

Zumbarunswim · 29/03/2017 22:29

And from looking at your other thread tell her anonymously

merville · 29/03/2017 22:31

Exactly what I was thinking.

Tell her. She won't want to believe you but it'll be there in he head when he starts. You will have done what you could to protect her and her kids.

Heirhelp · 29/03/2017 22:35

Did the ex wife report his behaviour to the police? Can you suggest she uses Claire's law.

SeaEagleFeather · 30/03/2017 11:13

but it's so hard when my mum is constantly on at me to reunite with him and 'love and support him through his problems'. She won't leave it alone and won't accept that I have good reasons to not want anything to do with him.

This really really doesn't help at all :/

Would it work to say to your mum that you don't want to discuss it and that you will leave if she brings it up again?

Stated calmly and without passion, and then following through on the warning will upset her. But if warn her then leave every time she brings the topic up, eventually she will learn.

It does mean weathering her upset and anger. But at the moment it's clear that this is eating away at you. And it is entirely reasonable to say that she has made her wishes clear but that you wish to not be involved.

category12 · 30/03/2017 11:31

Don't sit through your mum's flying monkey act. Just say it's not up for discussion and move on.

As for contacting the fiancée, I would. She deserves to know his history.

JumpSturdy · 30/03/2017 11:35

Do the woman a favour and give her a chance to find out now. She might not believe you - but she might! Please don't send an anonymous letter - she won't believe that. You are NC with your brother anyway, so it won't leave you worse off to let her know who you are. You can direct her to ex-wife for corroboration maybe? She might believe you both telling same story.

Poor woman deserves a chance to save herself...

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/03/2017 11:54

Anonymous letter/email sounds like the best idea.

RockyBird · 30/03/2017 11:57

Tell her. Anonymously works. Like the PP's suggestion of activating Claire's Law if possible.

Even if my partner was a reformed character I'd want to know about such a disgusting past.

category12 · 30/03/2017 12:41

If he does have a documented history of domestic violence, you could indeed invoke clare's law as a third party and the police would then decide whether to inform the fiancée.

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