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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my DP and his white lies, do you think i overreact?

30 replies

new40 · 27/03/2017 12:22

Hello all. I have DP for one year now and so far i thought that he is a very honest person. To the extent to prefer to be insulting rather than lie . At least that is what i thought. Lately i decided to check his honesty and i caught him in small trivial lies , example he said he was sleeping but he was doing something else, or play games on the computer when he said he wont etc. I have explained to him from the beginning that honesty is very important for me and for a relationship and if someone lies for small things then he can lie for everything. Yesterday i caught him again on a white lie , over something he specifically promised he wasnt going to do. I dont mind the reasons that he lies but the actual fact that he does makes me rethink if i should trust this person.Am i overreacting?

OP posts:

LilyWildflower · 27/03/2017 12:49

If it helps I am a very simular kind of liar to your partner, I don't know what happens but a lie comes out before I've had a chance to think. I put my reasons for it down to growing up with a drug addicted Mother and constantly having to lie to avoid angering her. My ex couldn't stand it and never understood that I didn't lie to cause pain, in fact it's usually to try and please people.

Maybe talk to him and find out the reasons for it. However that's only my opinion on it due to my experience.

Adora10 · 27/03/2017 14:39

A year and you are already having to police his behaviour; any one that lies beyond the age of ten when they are caught in the head lights really is not a person I'd be around; they are not trustworthy; lying means you will never be sure of them, I'd cut my losses at this stage as it will probably get worse.

milliemillie · 27/03/2017 14:59

I could have written your post myself.

I've always been exactly the same - honesty is the most important thing to me and if someone can lie about tiny things then they can lie about big things.

My dh tells little lies which really bothered me. Unfortunately it's now for much much worse and we are in the verge of separating all because of his lies and deceit.

If you can't trust someone then you have nothing in my eyes :(

mumonashoestring · 27/03/2017 15:07

A year and you are already having to police his behaviour

Having to? Or choosing to? If the OP's partner grew up with parents who constantly policed his behaviour, rejected the idea that any kind of computer game or similar activity was a waste of time, he'll be 'programmed' to cover it up. It's taken me years to get my head around the idea that it's okay to just sit, that I'm not wasting time by playing a game when there are other things to do. I more or less ruined my maternity leave knocking myself out prioritising housework above resting because I couldn't face DH getting home and asking what I'd done, and the answer being 'nothing' (and that's not on DH by the way, he wouldn't give a crap as long as DS and me were okay).

Of course, if you actually do have to police his behaviour then it's not a good sign, but it is worth exploring with him why his first instinct is to lie instead of being open with you.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/03/2017 15:09

Why would he say he won't go on a computer /games? If you are making ridiculous requests of him then he is going to lie. .

Original poster

new40 · 27/03/2017 15:17

@Wishiwasmoiradingle2017
As i said i dont mind the things he lies for , but the actual fact that he lies.
Also if you have a 35 y old man , playing computer games all day yes its not a good thing and you are going to ask if he can put his priorities right and play less
I need a man , not a manchild that will prefer to play computer games rather than focus on our life and put his priorities right

OP posts:

Original poster

new40 · 27/03/2017 15:22

@mumonashoestri

Yes i chose to because i have an uneasy feeling that he lies.
He constantly insults me , stating that "he is just being an honest person that never lies and he just tells the truth"
So it came to a point where i tried to see if it is actually honesty or just enjoys the insults and end up caught him in white lies but who knows what else he can lie about
Yes i understand that the past affects us but we are adults and responsible for our behavior. When i asked why he lies he got very defensive shouting abuse and threatening to leave because i dont trust him and he never lies. This is a childs behavior not an adults

OP posts:

Joysmum · 27/03/2017 15:22

Your follow up post shows why he's lying. He'd rather do what he wants to do so lies to get you off his back.

If you can't accept his habits he'd rather lie to keep you and avoid conflict.

Either you accept his preferences on how he chooses to spend his time and tell him he doesn't have to lie about or you decide it's a deal breaker and you split up.

Original poster

new40 · 27/03/2017 15:23

@LilyWildflower
thank you for sharing , it helps me see a different perspective

OP posts:

gamerchick · 27/03/2017 15:25

Erm I'm 42 and play computer games. My husbands in his 50s and plays computer games you sound well controlling, leave him alone rather than picking at him. Christ.

ExplodedCloud · 27/03/2017 15:28

Way too complicated. You don't sound good together.

BakeOffBiscuits · 27/03/2017 15:29

Well I think he has more issues than the lying.
He shouts at you, threatens to leave when you ask him about his lying and "constantly" insults you?

Why are you with him? Finish the relationship and find someone who is actually a nice person and will treat you kindly.

gamerchick · 27/03/2017 15:33

Yeah time to end it man. He isn't nice to you and you're testing him to see if he's lying. Life can be better than that.

Original poster

new40 · 27/03/2017 15:36

@gamerchick

You are missing the point here. What you do in your life and how you chose to live it is your problem.
The question is not even focused on computer games , i already said few times that is not about the things he lies for but about the fact that he lies. It is not controlling to expect your DP to do more things rather than play computer games all day. And if he chooses to do that then he should just say that is his choice and each of us can make our decisions. I am not willing to work ten hours a day an dhaving him playing games all day, if thats what you want for your life good for you , thats your problem

OP posts:

Original poster

new40 · 27/03/2017 15:38

@Joysmum
yes thats what i was thinking too

OP posts:

Obsidian77 · 27/03/2017 15:46

The lying would be a deal breaker for me. If he was supposed to do x,y,z but wasted the whole day playing computer games (and admitted it) then I'd be iritated, but if he then lied about it that would make me question what exactly we had that was good enough for me to want to work on.

gamerchick · 27/03/2017 15:46

Then kick him out. If he's a no good cocklodger then show him the door. What else is there to say?

xStefx · 27/03/2017 15:48

Yeah you two sounds like you shouldn't be together

PineappleExpress · 27/03/2017 15:54

My ex husband is a habitual liar.
Over time I discovered it comes from his mum's habit of lying (because her sister was always their mum's favourite, so she would lie to try to make herself sound better), and his need to impress people and to sound more interesting or cool or whatever, because of being quite neglected by his mum during his teenage years and making stuff up to try and get her attention and praise.

I didn't really mind at first because it was always just silly stuff and I could easily call him out on it, and we would discuss why he lied, and see if we could get him out of the habit.
Unfortunately, the lies got bigger and more serious when problems came along, and even when called out on it and given a chance to come clean with no consequences, he still lied.

I told him the same thing as you at the beginning, that honesty was the most important thing for me. Eventually, it got too much for me, so I left.

lizzyj4 · 27/03/2017 16:00

My exh is a compulsive liar and as long as I've known him he's lied about small things like this (and bigger things too, unfortunately). He'd lie even when it was obvious he was doing so and there was no advantage to telling a lie rather than the truth, and he never, ever admitted he was doing it. (The closest he ever came was when I asked him once about an absolute whopper he'd told his family, he just shrugged and said 'I just tell people what they want to hear.') I accepted it as part of who he was, a coping strategy left over from childhood, and I lived it with it for a long, long time. But tbh it does wear you down eventually.

You have to decide how important honesty is to you and whether you can live with this trait or not, as he's unlikely to change. And you also need to know whether he's lying about bigger, more important things that might cause problems in future (e.g. money, where he is spending time and who with, etc.).

Also bear in mind that if is his coping strategy, he'll lie to other people too, including lying about you to others. (I was my exh excuse for getting out of anything he decided he didn't want to do - 'The wife says I can't', 'The wife says I have go home...') It was never true, but you can guess what some of his friends/family thought of me. ) The problem with 'white lies' is that it's easy to dismiss them - it seems petty to make a big deal out of them as usually they're really small, and most people tell white lies now and then. But over time they build up. If the scale of his lying is a problem for you, best to address it now.

Dadaist · 27/03/2017 22:59

It's kind of obvious to me that he is lying because he fears your disappointment/disapproval . So OP - you say initially that you don't mind what he's doing- just that he doesn't tell the truth. But then you say.,,It is not controlling to expect your DP to do more things rather than play computer games all day. And if he chooses to do that then he should just say that is his choice and each of us can make our decisions (we read between the lines here?)..and then... 'I am not willing to work ten hours a day an dhaving him playing games all day, if thats what you want for your life good for you , thats your problem' ...which does all sound a little bit like you care, a great deal about the reasons.
So computer games are quite addictive. People resort to them for all sorts of reasons, e.g. depression, anxiety, escape, and more often than not - an emotional disconnect in your life which is filled by 'connecting' to something else - could Ben drink, drugs, gambling, games, porn etc.
And there does seem an emotional disconnect in your relationship - yes?
It's weak and child like to lie - very unattractive in a partner and can set lots of hares running in your mind. But for whatever reason - he fears your disapproval- (do you withdraw from him further as a consequence?- leading to further disconnection and more compulsive behaviour, guilt and lies etc
So - you either decide he's a useless lazy lodger and LTB, or you try and turn the disconnect around, by being more open and try a two way honesty approach. That would be my advice OP.

Isetan · 28/03/2017 18:21

You need to accept him for who he is not who you think he should be. He lies for his convenience and his insults aren't brutal honesty but just insults.

You can not change him, your only responsibility is to limit your exposure to his behaviour (preferably permanently).

arsenaltilidie · 28/03/2017 18:32

People that lie on the small things WILL lie on big things too.
He obviously finds it easy to lie to you so he won't think twice to lie to your face if it's convenient for him.

Also people who tell a lot of white lies are the most unreliable people I've ever met in my life.

I have a friend similar to your BF, he's good fun to golf with etc but I feel sorry for his DW.
He lies about everything, Unreliable and I wouldn't trust him with anything.
Run for the hills!!

scottishdiem · 28/03/2017 22:54

I dont know all the info but some of these things I have done:

he said he was sleeping but he was doing something else

No sleeping at all or sleeping a bit and then doing something or what? I have answered sleeping to that question but it was one of about five things I did do. And even a few times when I meant to but watched tv instead.

play games on the computer when he said he wont

I have said I wont go shopping when I then did.

if you have a 35 y old man , playing computer games all day yes its not a good thing and you are going to ask if he can put his priorities right and play less. I need a man , not a manchild that will prefer to play computer games rather than focus on our life and put his priorities right

And at that point you should probably realise that he is lying to you because you have that sense of entitlement to decide what someone else should be doing when you are working and he isnt doing it.

Its not really about the lies. Its about a complete incompatibility.

BestZebbie · 28/03/2017 23:03

You don't sound suited.

But is he actually lying, as in deliberately thinking of things where he sets out to say something false in order to deceive you?

There have been threads along this line before, where a partner "constantly lies" about really tiny things, and it often seems to be that one partner is just much less precise or literal in their manner of speech than the other, eg: "I'll be up in 10 minutes" means exactly 10 minutes to the listener but anywhere between 5 and 25 to the speaker. So the listener is lying in bed for 15 minutes getting increasingly worked up about the "lie" whilst their partner potters around on Facebook unaware that anything is wrong.

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