Husband and son violence this eve

[splendidglenda]

Ds1 17 has recently been kicked out of college for non attendance. He has been told by us to hand his cv round and look for a job. He's refusing to do this.

I actually think he's very depressed. He has opened up this eve and said he is and that he wants to see a Dr Mon am.

This eve, he kicked a hole in his wall because I'd said no WiFi due to not handing cv's round. His dad went in there and shouted, and got in his face and had hold of him and ds punched him in face. Its a nightmare. Two younger ds who are witnesses to this stuff in their home fairly regularly.

It's not as clear cut though as ds1s previous teachers have said that they think he's on the autistic spectrum. When we pushed for a diagnosis with Camhs, it came up that he doesn't have this. Though I've been told that the threshold is high. My dh also doesn't help the situation as he's pretty aggressive(but he'd deny this) and intolerant when he talks to ds1. So worried about the affect on ds2 & ds3. Life is crap

I know it sounds terrible. Please be kind (if possible!)

Oh god, you poor thing. Do what you can for the younger children. If that means caving in re wifi, just do it. Do what you can to get through the night.

I've driven ds17 over to stay the night at my mum's tonight

Oh wow has he hit his father before?
Where is he now and how did dh react?
Ds seems very angry and unable to control his emotions. At least he is willing to help himself.

Sorry. Not meaning to drip feed

They've had fights before Yes.

Dh wants ds to leave the house and he says he also wants a divorce from me.

Because my priority is the kids and I apparently don't support him when he's being aggressive

How's your dh? Getting in ds1 fave and being aggressive himself is not good, can he see it doesn't work?

If ds1 is suffering from depression that is your no.1 prority imo.

I'd let Your h go before your DS, tbh.

But you need ot get more assertive with the don't be a dick speech.

So I feel like I'm overloaded with crap. Can't take much more (without meaning to sound melodramatic)

for you OP - that's a horrible situation. Had similar in our house and upshot was I got rid of the unhelpful, increasingly aggressive and controlling dh. DS1 much better now and house much calmer. Not an easy path and I hope it doesn't come to this for you but you have to find the route of the problem - and maybe it's not your son..

*root

That sounds awful, I'm sorry. You sound very stuck in the middle and sadly it doesn't sound like there is a easy answer to your situation.

Your boy is behaving horribly but it's hard not to feel sympathy for the fact that he wants to see a doctor and wants to address the situation. It's so hard for your other children too though.

Sorry I am no help at all, it's just that I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and that I can't think of a straightforward answer either. (Meant as solidarity in a difficult situation, not uselessness).

Never pick a man over your child, even if that man is that child's father. If your DH wants to leave, let him. Your home is in turmoil and it needs some peace.

Your DS1 needs help, and if what you've said about the way your family has been living is true, so will your other children. And you. I'd suggest you see a family counselor. There's work to be done.

give him his divorce. one less thing to deal with.

Thanks for all messages. Very much appreciated

Oh dear.

I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. Get your boy well before pressuring him to get s job. Tonight , when he talked of seeing a doctor, perhaps wasn't the night to turn the wi-fi off.

And your DH certainly did not help by getting right up in his face and yelling.

Go and talk to him tomorrow. Tell him you will help him sort out his depression or whatever is his trouble.

Talk to your GP about all that is going on: you may get a referral for family counselling.

Your DH is being ridiculous, wanting both him and DS out of the house! I would tell him he goes for anger management or he is indeed out.

Must be very hard Op.

I hope your boy is calmer in the morning.

for you.

DH needs to understand that he cannot be selective in his parenting.

I don't think your husband handled it well but I can't help having some understanding for his reaction. You don't want holes in the wall and you don't want to be hit in the face.

Really sorry to hear about this, OP.

ds1s previous teachers have said that they think he's on the autistic spectrum

For the teachers to have said this, I think there must be an issue here. I agree with you the threshold is quite high, hence CAHMS decision. I think your son is doing fantastic to suggest seeing a GP, credit to him, and if you support him it may help alot. 17 is a topsy-turvey time, and giving him options to work etc will help him a lot. If he has autistic tendencies he may need more support? Its hard though God only knows .

I think your DH is a separate issue. I don't know what you want to do about that.

His dad went in there and shouted, and got in his face and had hold of him and ds punched him in face. Its a nightmare. Two younger ds who are witnesses to this stuff in their home fairly regularly.

TBH I'm not surprised your DS punched him. If someone got in my face and was shouting at me I think I'd be tempted to do the same. Your DH's aggressiveness is totally unacceptable. His frustration is understandable, yes, but how on earth does he think behaving like this helps a possibly depressed, possibly autistic teen, who is probably feeling like shit without his dad screaming in his face.

I feel for you. I really do. The best advice I can give is to get your DS his doctor's appt for tomorrow and tell your DH to do what he feels he needs to do and if that means leaving, then so be it. He is the adult here and he needs to either control his temper or leave, because right now he's only making things worse.

there may be many reasons why ds didn't attend college. It would have been better to take a lighter approach and find out why.
You both as parents were acting in a negative and angry way which I feel was inappropriate.
He had the courage to say he wanted to see a gp. This should have been rewarded not punished....no wifi.
if the problem was a lack of confidence due to poor social skills etc then telling him to go round with a cv would seem overwhelmingly difficult.
In my opinion as a professional in this field I would say please use a lighter touch.
Maybe previous violent incidents with dh have depressed him. After all he's being taught that aggression is the answer.

Thanks for all the replies. I'd wondered if I'm too soft on him and thought I'd be really firm re no wifi. I really want to improve things and appreciate all the advice x

We've been to the drs today and he's been re referred to CAMHS. Dh still not speaking to him. He's still staying at my mum's and I'm taking him to hardware store to buy things to try to replaster part of wall tomorrow.