Husband and son violence this eve

[splendidglenda]

Ds1 17 has recently been kicked out of college for non attendance. He has been told by us to hand his cv round and look for a job. He's refusing to do this.

I actually think he's very depressed. He has opened up this eve and said he is and that he wants to see a Dr Mon am.

This eve, he kicked a hole in his wall because I'd said no WiFi due to not handing cv's round. His dad went in there and shouted, and got in his face and had hold of him and ds punched him in face. Its a nightmare. Two younger ds who are witnesses to this stuff in their home fairly regularly.

It's not as clear cut though as ds1s previous teachers have said that they think he's on the autistic spectrum. When we pushed for a diagnosis with Camhs, it came up that he doesn't have this. Though I've been told that the threshold is high. My dh also doesn't help the situation as he's pretty aggressive(but he'd deny this) and intolerant when he talks to ds1. So worried about the affect on ds2 & ds3. Life is crap

Seriously, don't know what more I can do.

Give your husband the divorce he wants. If he can't accept that you will always put the children first, maybe he can't handle being a husband and father

He hasn't mentioned the divorce again. Think he wants to play happy families with ds1 out of the picture.

Ds2 and Ds3 love their dad and I'm stuck.

Ds2 and Ds3 love their dad and I'm stuck.

Your son clearly has issues but how much of his aggression and violence is learned behaviour from his father? Honestly, your husband sounds like a complete prick and very far from a good role model. He's teaching your kids that aggression is an appropriate way to respond when things aren't going your way. Do you want ds2 and ds3 to go the same way as ds1 appears to be going?

Has it occurred to your DH that your DS has learnt this behaviour/temper from him??

Sounds like you'd be better off without your DH. Good luck OP

I feel so sorry for your ds1. His father's a mean bastard and his mum's clearly choosing his dad over him. No wonder he's depressed. It's your h who should've been kicked out.

You cannot just kick your DS1 out and then play happy families with the others.

It's like, well that one was a bit shit lets chuck him on the reject pile and concentrate on the other two.

Get your son back and your not so D, DH out.

Give him the divorce!

I imagine without your husband around DS1 will probably be much happier anyway. Your Husband sounds like a bully and your DS1 has reacted the only way he could to someone aggressively shouting in his face. Your husband basically gave him no other option that to fight back.

Your husband has shown Piss poor parenting and a is bully boy.

Please make your son the priority.

My intention is to get ds1 back home tomorrow. The cool off period was necessary after what happened. Husband going away with work tomorrow for 2/3 days.

I get what you are saying. I appreciate the opinions and advice. I question my judgment on this whole situation. Thank you.

How long did they say the wait for cahms would be, op?

Yes, the threshold for CAHMS is high, but if he has autism he has autism and she should be seen. I get really fucked off by this (I've been through the process also). You may have to be very pushy, but if you also suspect he has ASD, for your family's sake, push as hard as you can for a referral.

He was seen by CAMHS a yr and a half ago and they assessed him and said he doesn't have autism. He has previously been diagnosed with a language processing difficulty.So that's a definite. I do still however think he's on the autistic spectrum. Either way, he's always struggled socially and with his temper. They didn't say how long the apt would take to come through. It seems futile now though as he's nearly 18.

Ok, was he assessed by AdOS? Just want to make sure you weren't fobbed off.

What is AdOS?

The Ados test is a supposededly accurate test for Austim, only it is not xxxx

Is DH biological dad to all 3?

Yes, Ados is a test to assess ASD. There are other tests, but I get cross when they say 'no asd' but haven't really even tried to assess.

Did you have a lot of sessions? Was your dc observed at school? I've been told by a clinical psych that dd didn't have ASD, except she does!!!

No, Peaches. He is biological dad to youngest two. Ds1 is my son from a previous relationship. Ds1s natural father hasn't bothered with him. My husband adopted ds1 sometime after we got married.

Think we were fobbed off tbh! Sorry to hear you've struggled with similar too

I'd really get forceful now and ask for a proper assessment. Ds is obviously really struggling and this may help. School have even suggested it (that's not always the case!).

First thing to do is to get your son back home, and your husband out. Once that's done, your son is going to feel more relaxed and comfortable, and that will help with his obvious depression. Then make sure your son gets help for his depression, and support him: don't just tell him to get his CV out to potential employers, help him put one together (he probably doesn't know how to write one), help him put a list together of places to take it, talk through what to say to people, and so on.

But your first priority must be to get that man out of your house, and to protect your children from his aggression and spite. Your two youngest might "adore" him but none of you are going to do well while living with someone who thinks it's acceptable to grab anyone by the throat.

For the love of god! Boys his age went to war! And he's putting a hole in a wall because of his wi fi. He needs to grow up, go to college or get a job. He's not a boy anymore he's a young man. And the dump your man for your kids bunch, he'll still be at your side when your kids have left home. Autistic? He sounds like a spoilt brat

I dont know if Home Start could help. They provide a friend to the family and support to you. They mostly cover under 5's but may support families with older children who are having issues. My son was primary school age but I found them very supportive, non-judgemental.

Were you aware that your son was not attending college? He is under 18 so I thought they had to advise parents. Most colleges are very good at supporting students with a range of difficulties. Perhaps worth a try at a another college.

sonly sounds like you know a lot about autism

As I've mentioned op, if dd does have autism (and you have good grounds to believe it), then this situation may be fixable. Outside of sn boards you may not find such a sympathetic ear. Push, push, push. I won't promise you'll repair your family, but understanding your son's challenges, and getting support for them, could be extreamly helpful.

Just so you know, only about 1/4 of adults with autism work full time. It can be a very challenging condition, so if he does have autism, there may be additional support to help him work/study.