Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret Debt

37 replies

Maevis · 23/03/2017 19:34

My husband has for the third time racked up credit card debt. He claims it is from a period 4 years ago when he was sole earner, (I have now returned to work) but will not allow me any access to statements to show how/when the debt was incurred. My fear is he continues to add to it.

We have re-mortgaged our home twice before to clear debt and start with a clean slate. Yet here we are again.

Is this financial abuse? He refuses to disclose or discuss the debt and when I explained him how unhappy this makes me his answer is that he will sell our home, have his half of any equity, and I can fuck off.

I'm so anxious I don't know where to turn :-(.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/03/2017 19:38

Having a close family member who has done this numerous times and who everyone has now refused to bail out, my experience is that this will continue to be his modus operandi.

My family member has remortgaged so many times, swapped to interest only mortgage and drawn lump sums from their pension so is on a low income and their interest only mortgage comes to term next year and they have so fall been unsuccessful in finding a new one as they have hit retirement age.

I fear that's your future too Sad

camtt · 23/03/2017 19:43

it's affecting you too so you have every right to know what the debt is and to see whether he is lying about how it came about. I bet yes. You've been here before, and here you are again - because his behaviour is the problem and he hasn't been willing to address that. I would check out my options if I were you.

FelixtheMouse · 23/03/2017 19:44

I'd take him up on his offer. He's never going to change and, baring a miracle, he'll never be free of debt. Take you half of the equity and run.

Biscusting · 23/03/2017 19:50

It sounds harsh, but how can this be fixed? I'd take him up on his offer. I'd fear than in a few years time, this wouldn't be possible due to remortgaging to bail out further debts.
It unfortunately happened to a friend of mine. It was like an addiction or a personality disorder.

I hope you can find a way through, but seriously think about where you want to be in 5-10 years.

foxyloxy78 · 23/03/2017 19:54

This is financial abuse and a total disrespect and disregard for you. Call it a day now. Go your own ways and take your half now before he pisses it away. He won't change.

Original poster
Maevis · 23/03/2017 19:58

Thank you for your replies. I'm trying to think what my options are. I have no family I can turn to. We have a teenage daughter. I am not a high earner, any equity once sold would not be enough to buy even a 1 bed flat.

He is adamant he is dealing with it and does not agree I have any right to know either the extent of the debt, or how it built up. There are no purchases I can assign them to (motorbike, car etc). I think he is just terrible with money and has spent his entire adult life robbing Peter to pay Paul.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/03/2017 20:02

It's about respecting you enough to tell you that you as a couple are in financial difficulty in the first place and then belittling your right to know enough to find a solution and preventative measure to stop it happening again.

He doesn't think he should change and that you should have to just put up and shut up. That's not an equal partnership you have Sad

FelixtheMouse · 23/03/2017 20:24

You are married. You have a right to know. It's bullshit to say otherwise.

JK1773 · 23/03/2017 21:04

He's totally irresponsible and this will never change. It's a cycle of debt without explanation and nothing to show for it. He lives beyond his means and hiding it is just devious. I wouldn't call in 'financial abuse' just irresponsible, immature behaviour. Don't invest any more of your hard earned money in sorting out his debts. Focus on yourself and getting out of this mess as easily as you can

noego · 23/03/2017 21:05

Mine turned out to have £26k of secret debt, and they owed me £8k on top of that.
I insisted they take out a bank loan to pay me my £8k and they took all of the £34k debt with them when they left and I ensured it did not come out of my share of the divorce settlement.
I personally didn't give a shit what they spent the money on, the deceit of that and the deceit of the affair alongside it was enough.
Secrets like these are not nice and should be openly discussed, It is YOUR money too you know.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 23/03/2017 21:11

He will never change if he has done it twice already and bailing him out each time doesn't stop him doing it again.

He needs to be totally honest with you so that you can sort out some sort of debt repayment plan, try Step Change or similar for help, or maybe it is time to call it a day.

My marriage ended for different reasons, but I am so thankful that I am no longer with a man who repeatedly got into debt no matter how many times people bailed him out, myself included. f he had stayed, then I think we would have ended up remortgaging as you think of yourselves as a "team", but in reality, you are not a team when one member is spending money on things they don't need and then hiding it from you.

You say that you wouldn't have enough equity to buy a one bed flat, but if you stay with him and keep remortgaging, you will end up with nothing anyway.

OrangeStar · 23/03/2017 21:47

The third time, OP? Told you to F.O. if you don't like it [hm]. Sounds abysmal and shocking state of affairs. It is financial abuse. Also, if there's nothing to show for it and he won't show you statements, it makes you wonder exactly what he is spending his money on Hmm?

Ellisandra · 23/03/2017 23:29

I'd be talking to a solicitor about getting a bigger share of the remaining equity you do have, and what you can do about not sharing the debts.

Money aside - he utterly disrespects you. He doesn't like you. Don't stay!

I expect you have a far better chance of getting a higher percentage now whilst you have a teenager, than in a few years when she's an adult.

Your cards are running out. Fast forward a few years and there'll be a bigger debt, fuck all equity left, and you won't even get maintenance or a chance at staying in the house because your child will be too old.

Even if you have to rent, right now you've only got a few years left of child benefit and possibly child tax credits to soften the blow.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/03/2017 23:38

It'll get worse if you let him carry on. My ExH remortgaged twice to cover debts, the third time he was refused but offered a loan tied to the house. He ran up more debts. By the time I found out how bad it all was almost all his money was being swallowed by standing orders for credit cards, loan and mortgage. Had to get a debt management agency involved in the end.

Be aware though that even if the house is sold and the equity is split, any debts are marital and split 50/50. Even debts in his name. I lost almost all my share in the equity due to this when I divorced.

TheNaze73 · 24/03/2017 07:48

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....

Fool me three times, you're taking the piss mate!

Financial deception is up there with emotional cheating for me. Kick him into touch

gianna99 · 24/03/2017 08:06

Chances are he doesn't want to be this way. I've been there. Ask him to get onto a debt management plan like Stepchange. He won't be able to get any credit until it's all paid off so he'll have to live within his means. Most lenders will freeze the interest and you agree a manageable amount to pay each month. It turned my life around.

Joysmum · 24/03/2017 08:09

explained him how unhappy this makes me his answer is that he will sell our home, have his half of any equity, and I can fuck off

gianna90 I'm glad you've turned your life around. Did you ever display this attitude towards those who are financially tied to and had dragged down with you?

gianna99 · 24/03/2017 08:10

If that's the only problem in your marriage you can sort it if he's ready to be honest with you. He's probably being shitty with you because of the stress of it all. Not that that's an excuse, just a possible explanation. I was so ashamed of the debt I kept building up I'd be very defensive and thus snarky and prickly about it.

gianna99 · 24/03/2017 08:13

Joysmum definitely. I knew it was a mess and I'd do anything to hide it but when I got close to being found out my attitude would be aggressive to be honest looking back.

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2017 08:18

Of course you have a right to know, the fact he won't tell you indicates it's very high and it's not from years ago either. Otherwise he would show you the statements. The fact he won't and won't tell you how much says it all really.

Could he have a gambling habit? Or be spending on something unsavoury he doesn't want you to know about? What built the debt up last time?

JigglyTuff · 24/03/2017 08:18

And did you lie to your partner about a debt that affected them gianna? Did you put your husband's home at risk?

Maevis - he will not change. Right now, you may not have enough to buy a 1 bedroom flat but at least you may have something. If you carry on, you will be left with nothing or even worse.

Get out.

Joysmum · 24/03/2017 08:21

Wow, that's so honest and I have to admire you for being so candid Smile

Did you partner say anything to change your attitude or were you forced to change because you thought you'd lose them? What was your turning point?

I ask because my family member has been down the IVA route, battled depression as they couldn't answer the door or phone and lost a marriage in which this happened twice. Her ex even bailed her out once after they were divorced because he thought she may have changed.

Slothlikesundays · 24/03/2017 08:22

Although the equity would not be enough to buy a one bed flat it would be more that when this happens again in the future. And it will.
It worries me that you don't even know what the money has been spent on and he would rather split up and sell the house than show you.
Racking up debts is bad enough but such a forceful refusal to be honest with you is a clear indication that he values his secrets over you and your relationship.
Be strong and get out.

JigglyTuff · 24/03/2017 08:22

Sorry those first two questions are to Gianna.

My point is that it's one thing to get yourself into dreadful debt that you can't get out of, it's quite another to pull your spouse down with you

Joysmum · 24/03/2017 08:28

My point is that it's one thing to get yourself into dreadful debt that you can't get out of, it's quite another to pull your spouse down with you

But if your debt prone and married or financially tied, that's what will happen. People don't suddenly become good with money just because they got married.

having thought about it, I can understand the reaction based on shame and fear. Thinking on it I did similar to my DH on something completely unrelated because I could not face it. Gianna's posts have reminded me of that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread