Secret Debt

[Maevis]

My husband has for the third time racked up credit card debt. He claims it is from a period 4 years ago when he was sole earner, (I have now returned to work) but will not allow me any access to statements to show how/when the debt was incurred. My fear is he continues to add to it.

We have re-mortgaged our home twice before to clear debt and start with a clean slate. Yet here we are again.

Is this financial abuse? He refuses to disclose or discuss the debt and when I explained him how unhappy this makes me his answer is that he will sell our home, have his half of any equity, and I can fuck off.

I'm so anxious I don't know where to turn :-(.

See a solicitor about getting a divorce and more than half of the equity . They are his debts not yours and you have a child to suport.

Do this today . These debts and his abuse are not going away.

Go to the Money Advice Service website www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/tools/debt-advice-locator and call one of the debt charities on there to find out where you stand. He may have put the debt in your name/both names which is why he wont share it with you.

If its just in his name then you're not liable. I'd speak to him about him contacting a debt charity himself- they will come up with a practical solution if he is fully honest with them.

However if he refuses and continues to be disrespectful to you, i would seek a solicitor and do as he suggests. You may be able to get more than just the house equity dependent on your circumstances or be entitled to benefits as a single parent. I'd visit turn2us.org.uk for benefits entitlements.

Unfortunately if he refuses help the chances are he will continue.

I would take his advice on this one. He's never going to change but you do have the chance to rebuild your position. I also agree that you deserve more than half of the equity. Gather as much info as you possibly can and see a lawyer even if you have to borrow to do so, it will be money well spent.

No of course they don't become suddenly good with money Joysmum. Which is why I said the OP should leave. He's not going to change and he's going to drag her down with him.

And he's the one who needs to seek help - the OP can't do it for him. Maybe her initiating divorce proceeding will make him face up to his hopeless immaturity

Agree with PP he is unlikely to change, unfortunately. You need to try to protect yourself as best you can.

My exh was very similar, left his first wife in masses of debt (I know, stupid, I should have seen the sign), left me with over £50,000 of 'family' debt 4 years ago. He was constantly maxing out credit cards and we were always in the overdraft - it was almost as if, if there was any money there at all (even 'overdraft money'), he had to spend it. When we split up, he walked away free and clear, no debts apart from his car. (I agreed to this in return for him signing over his interest in the house & because I'm a much higher earner.) Last year, we finalised our divorce, come to find through the financial statements that he was already another £26-7,000 in debt! He doesn't buy big things either, there's nothing really to show for it. I'm just grateful that I never agreed to remortgaging the house, which he tried to pressure me into many times, otherwise I and the dc would probably have lost our home too. As it is, I'll be paying off his debts for a very long time.

Personally, I would take up his offer while there's still some equity left in your house and before he digs an even bigger hole for you all.

My point is that I did change. But I had to be really candid and confess the full situation. It's a huge relief to not be living that way any more. Did I put our home at risk? Well none of the debts were against the house as it was in both of our names. If I'm honest though I was in such a mess that I would have if I could have got away with it. I guess if I had lost my job we would have been in a pickle. My repayments left me with barely anything to spare each month so the cycle continued. It was horrible.

BIL couldn't live within his means. He wanted the high life without an income to support it. He used to laugh at our crappy old car as they both drove BMWs and had a holiday home abroad.

BIL persuaded SIL to remortgage the house to cover some of his debts. Then he lost his job and they lost their house, where they had lived for. 30 years and brought up their kids.

They are now in rented accommodation and will be for the rest of their lives, as they are mid 50s and they'll never get a mortgage . They had to move out of the village where they lived , away from all their friends , as there was nothing to rent that they could afford. SIL had a heart attack with the stress and then a bypass. She's still a heavy smoker as she's so depressed.

It's such a mess. They are lovely people, he's just useless with money.

Debt can really screw up your life.

You need to leave him; yes it's financial abuse but not even that; he's treating you like nothing; I'd have packed his bags by now.

It doesn't really matter if it's financial abuse or not, does it? You're allowed your reaction either way.

It's financial abuse from an arrogant bounder!!!

How dare he do this to you for a THIRD time and have the cheek to expect you to stay whilst he refuses to discuss or disclose.

I don't want to make your problems seem worse, but I wonder what he's hiding? I mean beyond the amount. Just WHAT is he spending it on? Do you have any ideas? Gambling? Expensive hobby? Anything sinister?

There is no trust here.

You will be forever living on eggshells wondering what's to happen next.

Be very careful you don't end up liable for all sorts yourself.

I am the daughter of a man who sounds the same as your husband.
My mother should have left when she could, as children we all begged her to.
The effort of his behaviour has scarred us children (and my mother) for life, and at the age of 76 he is still behaving the same.
He was lucky because my mothers parents were rich and he was bailed out continuously.
We lived in poverty because of him.
He doesn't care about anything but money, he had/has no respect of my mum and his children, and would never seek to use the help and support offered to try and change his behaviour.

You think you have hit bottom now?
Just stay with him and wait, then you will know what the bottom really is.

Sorry you're going through this. I was in a similar situation with my ex. He remortgaged several times; instead of £35k for my share of the equity I was left with £5k after the marital debts were cleared. I'm now living in rented accommodation as a result. I am in the process of saving for a deposit to buy a house of my own. He hasn't changed at all, he didn't clear his debts after the divorce and has apparently already racked up further debts! Some people can change but most who are that irresponsible with money don't change.