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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do people get past an affair

50 replies

feelinglikeablueturtle · 22/03/2017 12:25

My DH is a doorman and has been having an affair with a girl at a pub he works at. Feel stupid for not listening to my gut. We have 3 DC and have been together for 10 years.

I don't know what to do. I love him and he's a wonderful father but I can't get past the fact that he decided that have a quicky with a 21 year old. I'm so angry and hurt. He keeps saying he's sorry but every time he does I want to punch him in the face.

Is it possible to get past this.

OP posts:
AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 12:29

I'm sorry this has happened op.

Firstly what is he doing apart from saying 'sorry'. Sorry is meaningless what about his actions? Is he still in contact with her? He needs to take full responsibility for this. Have you asked him to leave, even just to give you space for a bit? He needs consequences and should be doing whatever it takes. What were his reasons, not that there is any excuse of course.

You may not get past it. You might find you want to punch him in the face for a long time.

Bones2017 · 22/03/2017 12:29

Was it an affair or a one off? That'd make the difference to me. Is she the only one even? Is he sorry? X

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 12:29

Oh, I forgot to ask. What do you want?

HillysChair · 22/03/2017 12:30

I didn't. Divorced him ASAP. And he's still cheating on current wife.

Hugs OP

brickinitIam · 22/03/2017 12:34

Are you sure it was only the one?
Doormen (like taxi drivers) have form for cheating. They have the perfect opportunity.
They're in an environment where people have been drinking and normal inhibitions are loosened.
They also have the perfect alibi for coming home late.

victoriazA01689 · 22/03/2017 12:35

Always trust your instincts. I made the mistake of not trusting mine and now feel very very stupid. My husband is a serial womanizer so I thought I knew all the signs to look out for.

Now it turns out that he is STILL seeing a woman he had a passionate 2 year affair with over ten years ago.

Some men cannot resist the chance of a bit of excitement - they think they can handle it. Maybe they can if it is just a one night stand but if it goes on for a while then it's unforgivable and eventually they will get caught out. Unfortunately some don't learn their lesson and continue to be idiots.

Just stay vigilant.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 12:39

You're not still with him victoriazA01689 are you? Just you say husband and not ex.

OnMyShoulders · 22/03/2017 12:42

I am almost a year on from discovering my husband's affair. We have stayed together but it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I had a revenge affair and a subsequent mental breakdown in my attempts to deal with it. Things are still far from perfect but after A LOT of work, they are much better. Feel free to PM me OP. Flowers

xStefx · 22/03/2017 12:44

I would say when its an affair they are only ever sorry once they have been caught. He deceived you, knowing your the mother of his kids, knowing you loved him because he wanted to get his end away. In my eyes his cock came before anything or anyone. That cant be love?

You may be stronger than me but to be honest I couldn't get over it. It would have slowly turned me into an angry, paranoid and bitter person and I would probably make him miserable accusing him for the rest of his life.

He has ruined it, its done and cant be taken back.. ever. If you think you can move forward then good luck. But - if you think it would destroy you eventually, then just don't do it to yourself.

So Sorry OP x

Esoteric · 22/03/2017 12:45

With great difficulty, I am personally finding a discovered one from 11 years ago (found out 3 months ago) very hard as it was clearly a 'love' thing on his part, and according to him was one sided , the problem is it's the smashed vase thing, you can glue it back but the cracks are there, so really depends if this was an ongoing thing, a one off and whether it was just sex or not, personally I find the 'love' thing harder than sex, but I guess that's a personal and individual thing to everyone

Original poster
feelinglikeablueturtle · 22/03/2017 12:47

Sorry don't mean to drip feed so will give as much detail as I can.

We have an 8month old baby as well as two other DC 9 and 7. When I was pregnant I was extremely sick and ended up in hospital for weeks at a time. The pregnancy stress and having a new baby have caused my hair to fall out. I don't feel sex and I'm exhausted. He works night and I'm up all day with kids so we hardly see each other it feels. He had to work away over new year and turns out he took her back to his hotel room.
He works in another city about an hours drive so it's not unusual for him to not get back till 3am on some weeks but the past two months it been more like 5am.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 22/03/2017 12:48

If he's going to stay in this line of work, I think you'll always be uneasy.

Original poster
feelinglikeablueturtle · 22/03/2017 12:50

He's been talking about her a lot lately but always said he was joking. I answered his phone this morning thinking it was his sister. Same name came up. She started talking about how she couldn't wait for the weekend. She hung up when I said something. I told him to get out the house after the kids were at school. I don't know what to do. I feel so numb right now.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 22/03/2017 12:50

Firstly you have to find out what you want. If you think it is worth trying to 'forgive and forget' then You will have to sit down with him and talk over what led him to the affair.
Is it the first time he has cheated, or just the first time you found out?
It's sad and difficult when your trust is violated.
Very often jobs, lives and kids take so much away that closeness is lost and couples do drift apart.
He has broken your trust and not thought about his children or you.
I know a couple of bouncers and they tell me it's the easiest job to pick up women but Just because he works in a sweet shop he dosnt have to sample the sweets.
I really feel for you as men can be such dicks. I bet not one of them ever thinks 'oh fuck I'm going to be on my own with 3 kids because of this' they always seem to walk away looking after number 1.
But don't just stay together because it would be easier on the children. That would be a big mistake.

It is your life too. If you decide you cannot forgive and forget, don't look on it as an ending. Look on it as a new chapter for you and your dc and make plans for a better time for you and them.

xStefx · 22/03/2017 12:52

So he not only committed adultery he did it whilst you had hyperemesis ? Wow he really doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself does he.

OP, Im sorry I sound harsh but telling you that but you know all this really don't you.

How long has it been going on? When did you find out? xx

SandyY2K · 22/03/2017 12:53

In answer to your question... Not everyone can get past it.

Those who do are aided by a very remorseful spouse, willing to do the hard work involved and you see by their actions not just words.

They need to truly understand your pain and know the hurt and feelings that the betrayal has had on you.

A remorseful spouse, is patient and empathetic and willing to do anything (within reason), that you ask, including reading books, joining support groups and attending counselling.

Even if a spouse does all that, it can still be too much to get over and you would be be within your rights to end the relationship, having tried your hardest.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, as I don't always catch up with threads.

namechangingagainagain · 22/03/2017 12:54

3 years on we're doing ok.

Does he really want to put in the hard work of getting back together? Take sometime apart first..... if he runs of shagging anything that moves and feeling sorry for himself then you know he's not goign to be up for the task. But if he shows he wants to make it work and works on why he did it it may work out. It takes A LOT of hard work.

Plus you need to think about what you want your future to look like. imho it takes weeks or months to work this out- the shock needs to pass first. It's hard whether you split or whether you stay tbh. Im not sure there is an "easy choice" when your dealing with this kind of thing.

I think that my first marriage ended when I found out. We went on to build a new marriage together. Its not the same as the first one..... in some ways it's better in other ways it's worse. But we're still together.

( oh and get an sti check. grim but necessary for peace ofmind.)
good luck

xStefx · 22/03/2017 12:54

Sorry crossed post. You need some time for this to sink in before you make rash decisions. I take it he has admitted it? So sorry op x

SandyY2K · 22/03/2017 13:11

He's been talking about her a lot lately

She started talking about how she couldn't wait for the weekend.

There's a lot of work to be done here and he's actively in an affair.

Start thinking about consequences.

Exposure could be one.

Original poster
feelinglikeablueturtle · 22/03/2017 13:11

He will be coming back to talk later. Sending the DC to my mom for the night so I can get to the bottom of this and be as emotional as I need to be.
I knew something wasn't right a few weeks back but didn't follow my gut.
Thank you all for being so supportive.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 22/03/2017 14:03

So while you were at your most vulnerable, sick and pregnant with his DC he decided to have an affair instead of supporting you--nice Angry
He has continued obviously to spend time with OW, time taken away from time supporting you with the DC's.
I bet he is furious that he has been caught, not about the affair but furious because it was happening so far away from home that he was sure you wouldn't find out.
Take your time deciding where you go from here, l bet all his tears and excuses will be blamed on you, being ill, occupied with DC's no time for him etc.
Do not cover up his dirty little secret, let the world know, The shame is on him - and her- hold your head high. Is OW married?
Be strong tonight but don't make any rash decisions but certainly he needs to be gone from the house for the foreseeable future.

Oh and l would bet my last penny he is in contact with OW today getting their story straight

mickyblueyes · 22/03/2017 14:05

He's only sorry he got caught.

Adora10 · 22/03/2017 14:08

That is vile, whilst sick and pregnant, he's not a wonderful dad, far from it.

Keep him gone; let him feel the consequence of his actions; so sick of reading on here of men blatantly taking the actual piss and the women just lie down and take it cos they lurve him and can't live without him; well he obviously can, can't understand why women blame themselves and make excuses for what is basically a liar and a cheat.

If you want to try with him again then I'd be thinking months and months and during that time him proving to me that he's worth having; sorry but he sounds horrible.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2017 14:28

I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
You are currently in shock.
Today is not the right time to talk things through with him.
Cancel tonight.
Seriously. Your head is all over the place and there is no way you can make a rash informed decision or even talk or look at him right now!!

No knee jerk reactions here.
Take your time.
Get some head space away from him and think about what YOU want.
Based on what has happened.
We all want it never to have happened etc... but it has and it has to be dealt with.
But NOT right now and NOT this evening.
Not even next week or next month if you aren't ready.

I couldn't get past an affair and had to end my marriage.
I then couldn't get past a good few emotional affairs my recent Ex was partaking in.
For me it's a deal breaker.
I know I could never trust them again.
They changed in my mind from people I could love and trust and fully rely on to people who would hurt me to such a level that it almost destroyed me (well my ExH anyway).

And when the shock wears off for you, you will not know what has hit you.
You will not understand how someone who is supposed to love you could hurt you so so much.
Your heart hurt like crazy and will literally break into a million pieces.
And it's down to you to put it back together again.

Get some RL support around you asap.
Don't keep his dirty secret and don't suffer this initial stage alone.
It's not a nice place to be, believe me.

Couples can and often do get through infidelity.
I never say LTB with cheating unless it's multiple times or with prostitutes.
But this is your line and your life and you decide what happens next.
Take your time.
I'll say it again - TAKE YOUR TIME.

DO NOT do the pick me dance!

user1479305498 · 22/03/2017 15:30

I think you are right HellsBells, its a very individual thing what you can "cope with" and also depends what kind of a relationship you have/had too. You cant just say LTB automatically, whats a deal breaker for me and you may not be for someone else. Im in one where I had to trust a great deal because of travel etc with certain people and I was way too trusting I think. My personal dilemma is the fact I was gaslighted too for many years and it took a fluke discovery rather than a confession to find out stuff I would rather have not. Im still at home but somewhat disconnected and mulluing things over as I dont think I will ever "accept" it as "just one of those things" etc

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