How do people get past an affair

[feelinglikeablueturtle]

My DH is a doorman and has been having an affair with a girl at a pub he works at. Feel stupid for not listening to my gut. We have 3 DC and have been together for 10 years.

I don't know what to do. I love him and he's a wonderful father but I can't get past the fact that he decided that have a quicky with a 21 year old. I'm so angry and hurt. He keeps saying he's sorry but every time he does I want to punch him in the face.

Is it possible to get past this.

A "wonderful dad" doesn't treat his children's sick mum like garbage. I currently know genuinely wonderful men who are supporting their wives through chemo - no hair, exhaustion, vomiting, no sex drive - but they're managing not to shag the first thing that opens its legs for them nonetheless.

I understand that sometimes a person's behaviour will drive their spouse to an affair. The cheater isn't always the baddie, the problem can be 50:50. That's not the case with you OP.

It is not something I would be able to get past. It would be the end of the relationship for me.
You need to take time to think what you want to do, decide if it is something you could move past .

For me cheating is the worst possible thing a partner can do and it's something I know I could never forgive (it would always be at the back of my mind and I could not trust them again). My partner cheated just before Christmas (luckily we don't have dc together, maybe that makes a difference, I don't know), I was so angry and hurt that I chucked all his things outside and got the locks changed. I still loved him but I was so angry that he had broken the trust, I couldn't have had him back as I know it would effect my mental health not being able to trust him, having to question where he was, who he was with etc..

I'm 3 months on finding out abou5 a one night stand back in August last year.
We are doing ok. Better than in a long time in a weird way. I've chosen to put it behind us. It can be done but if course it depends on the who what why etc
Good luck

I could forgive a one night stand rather than a long term emotional connection. That's just me though.
Nobody can tell you what to do but I'd definitely tell him you need a few weeks or months even to process and help you decide. You probably aren't thinking straight just now. X

I agree Bones, thats how I feel too. Finding a load of poems/song lyrics written for someone else for me was far worse than any one night stand and knowing someone was at that point "in love" as such and wanted to escape/wander off hand in hand into the sunset (and this was a 20 year old) albeit it was one sided and in his head, so I am told)

I know some people though obsess over anything physical, even a one off kiss, I could have lived with that if there was no emotional connection to be honest.

I'm going to write from the other side. I cheated on my husband. We were going through a rough patch and I didn't cope very well.

I felt the distance between us was getting too much and I got drunk and slept with someone. And did it again and again. For me it wasn't an emotional thing I just wanted to feel like I was wanted and like I was still attractive both of which with working different hours in our jobs was missing. We separated for 6 months and then whilst spending the xmas together for the kids got back together.

He has forgiven me, which I will always feel grateful for and we have gone on to have another baby and I'd be lost without him and it's back to the relationship we had at the beginning. I gave up extra hours in order to spend more time together as a family to make this happen though. Has he offered to do this?

I couldn't. He had an affair and that was after accusing me of having an affair! After we split i found out that he'd tried it on with a friend whilst i was in hospital with pregnancy complications. I'm pretty sure there were others as on a few occasions he stayed out all night etc.

Anyway, i tried to make it work (when i only knew about one) because we had a child together but i just couldn't trust him. I'm not going to be with someone I can't trust.

And it takes a certain type of bastard to have an affair when his pregnant wife is sick. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that and it'd make suspect that if he could do that then that there were probably others.

Mine accused me of having an affair too in so many ways! Then I found out it was him! X

I couldn't get over it either. Year on and I've told him where to go. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders - it's amazing! I deserve better than that regardless of reasons for it. Give me a real man who can face up to shit instead of fucking someone else.

And it takes a certain type of bastard to have an affair with someone who we both work with! Lucky me in that I have to see the whore every day in on the office!! And him!!

I just found your other thread from a few weeks ago when you was worried this was going on. How awful for you, OP.

You've literally just found out about this and have already decided that you're going to accept it'(as the title of your thread asks about getting over it)!
You mentioned that he had sex with her in a hotel at Christmas, so it was clear that it would have been building up/ going on prior to this too. Your baby would have been 5 months old then.

He's coming to talk tonight (after conjuring up a load of lies) as the fact she telephoned him this morning talking about this weekend only shows that it's not over between them!

If he wants to make this work, with you, then he needs to be completely honest with you and perhaps change jobs, otherwise how on earth can you trust him again?

Big hugs to you through this difficult time!

First thank you all for your kind words. They mean so much.
I did have a thread on this a few weeks back when my gut was telling me something wasn't right.
I've had to send him out to get dinner and thought I would update you all.
The affair has been going on for 18 months. Her ex was drunk and being a creep so my ExDH (for now I still don't really know what I'm doing on that) tossed him out the pub but the guy stuck around. ExDH didn't want Girl to walk home so gave her a ride. I was in hospital at this point and kids were with GPs. She attached herself to him and started showing up all the time for a quick drink that would last all night.
Roll on New Year's Eve and he took her back to the hotel. I was home alone with the kids and he was having sex with her. They have been having sex whenever they can and he's even admitted to doing it our car. I feel sick to think I took my dc to my moms in that car.
They have been texting, Facebook and emails but mostly from her. He's never been one for sexting. Lots of photos of her in different states of underdress. The worst is a photo of her naked on our bed. This means when I was looking after his sick mother he took her to our home. I want to burn my bed right now.
He says he's called it off and she has called a few times since he has been here. Once I answered and she was crying about how he can't end it like this. He can't explain why he did it and keeps say she means nothing.
I have told him I need time to sort my head out before we try anything else. My big concern now is the DC. I have no idea what to say to anyone about this.

Picture of her on your bed would be it for me...... I'm not sure I'd be able to get past that one!

I don't have much advice for you. I kept taking my ex back time and time again and realised he would never change.

Just wanted to give you a hug though!

He had sex with her for 18 months including on your bed, and she means nothing? So why do it. Bullshit.

I'm not sure I could forgive that OP.

You poor thing. I don't think you will be able to get over this level of deceit. He's not worth it. Are you sure this is a one off? From this I would say its the tip of the iceberg as he has zero respect for you, your health or your children.
You have found out who he is. You need time to come to terms with it. Do not let him know you want to forgive.

I apologise in advance but I am about to be very blunt.

He fucked her in your marital bed while you were looking after his sick mother.

This tells you all you need to know. I'm really sorry .

Time to get angry.

I'm sorry Feeling but he sounds as low as they come! In your family car? In your marital bed?? Oh lovely, I know you're confused right now but get him out of the house for at least a few months. By then I promise you you'll see this very different and you'll want nothing more to do with him

She means nothing. He did not attend to his sick mother. He got you to tend to his sick mother. He needed to stay home so he could fuck someone who means nothing in your bed.

How could you get past any of that?

She obviously hasn't been told she means nothing. Why not call her back and ask her to tell you what's going on? I bet she thinks he was on the verge of leaving you.

I absolutely could not get past the level of deception and total lack of respect you have described. He fucked her in your bed???!!!!

I would leave him behind - he's cheating scum and no prize at all

So sorry for what you're going through, OP.
Shagging his mistress in the marital bed and the family
would be game over for me. The kind of person who does
that has no respect for his partner or family - he's shit on his
own doorstep and intended to keep on doing it.

No wonder his mistress is crying, she must have believed she was the
new queen of the castle when he took her to his marital home
and fucked her on the marital bed.
I couldn't get past it. But you know him better than me, OP,
perhaps he's a prize worth keeping.

I am so sorry OP, I can't give you advice with regard to ending it or working through it. (The latter being much harder) the only person who can decide that is you.

All I can offer in the way of advice is don't do what most deceived wives do and 'chuck him out on his ear' by that I mean of course you should do what you think is best but I never understand this whole concept.
He is equally responsible for the health happiness and welfare of your joint dcs. They are at an age that is a lot of work for two parents. Why the fuck does this utter bastard get to swan off leaving
Wife with TWICE the work ? I hate this assumption that mother is the default parent.
This only allows men to a) 'blame' the innocent party. 'She threw me out' and b) find the making of new relationships very much easier without dcs on the scene 24 days out of 28. We just hand it to them on a plate !
If you decide he has got to go he has some work cut out to sort work/childcare 3.5 days a week that fit round his job. This is his problem not yours.

4 angry dcs half a week for the next decade with take the shine off your scumbag DP ..

Hi OP, you poor love, I'm so sorry you're suffering this alone.
At the moment, he's having his cake and eating it.
Even if he has ended it, he hasn't blocked her, obviously enjoying the adoration, yet causing more misery.
Do you really still want to be with him, or does the thought of being alone, scare you ?
Do you have someone to confide in, in real life, this would be helpful.

Feeling did you post on here a month or so ago? I remember a similar thread where the OP was suspicious - said DH did social evening work and I guessed doorman. If so I've been thinking of you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Sometimes just chunks of time can help. The bigger picture is so painful at first that just set yourself tiny targets for the week. Try not to think too far ahead as, if you're anything like me, it's so terrifying you find yourself feeling less than brave.