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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate I'm second wife

39 replies

TheGreenQueen · 14/03/2017 12:33

It's come from nowhere. I love my dh
H so much but he was married before for many years and had all his firsts.

I am 25 years younger. He is first hubby for me but not first relationship. Any help dealing with these feelings?

OP posts:
Gingerbreadlass · 14/03/2017 12:57

That's like a man saying he only wants to marry a virgin Hmm He chose you and married you and all your firsts together will be both of your firsts.

I think you need to work on your confidence levels and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

BakerBear · 14/03/2017 13:02

I think this is very common.

Even more so common when a woman becomes pregnant for the first time to a man who already has children to someone else as the man has already experienced pregnancy and birth where as they never seem as excited 2nd or 3rd time round as they have done it before.

With a man 25 years older its obviously very highly possible that he has been married before or has children with someone else. I think it would of been quite rare to find someone much older than yourself who hadnt had alot of life experiences.

FilledSoda · 14/03/2017 13:05

Speaking as someone at the opposite end of the scenario you describe, I can assure you my current situation is 100% better than my previous.
Now I know for sure this is the real thing , before I just thought everyone was basically miserable and that's what marriage was.
So lucky us ( :
'Firsts' are pretty crap if they are with the wrong person .
I suspect something is going on with your self esteem but not because you're a second wife.

FrenchLavender · 14/03/2017 13:05

If you are going to marry a man 25 years your senior then I think you are going to have to accept that all his 'firsts' happened without you, whether he had a first wife or not.

You sound immature and insecure.

sofato5miles · 14/03/2017 13:09

25 years age gap is unusual. How were things at home for you as a child?

xStefx · 14/03/2017 13:12

With a 25 year age gap having all his "first" with someone else was gonna be pretty obvious really. That's a huge age gap, how old are you OP?

Roanoke · 14/03/2017 13:25

You sound shockingly immature. He's 25 years older (crikey. There's a decade between me and mine, but 25 is generations apart) so of course he has had a whole, long life before you. He didn't just sit around doing nothing, and you wouldn't have liked him much if he had. You jealousy and discomfort suggest you are very, very young and very unworldly, so now I'm doubting his motives.

PutThatPomBearBack · 14/03/2017 13:28

Nothing wrong with an age gap but you can't expect someone 25 years your senior to have never been married had kids etc before you.

ImperialBlether · 14/03/2017 13:32

This is going to be a lifelong thing, OP. That's such a hell of an age gap - are you really happy with that? Has he got children around your age?

Notmyrealname85 · 14/03/2017 14:22

Someone reaches out for help, and people respond with "you sound shockingly immature" and "immature and insecure"?!? Wow great help posters, well done

OP it's probably the case that you anticipated feeling this way before marrying your DH but now really experience it, and the gap between those is bigger than expected.

Could you give examples of when you do feel insecure? Have you tried raising this with your DH? If you feel too much pressure raising the whole theme of "I don't like being the second wife" with him don't say it explicitly, but give him say three examples and say they make you uncomfortable. He should get the idea.

One thing - as second wife you can't run roughshod over what legal/financial/decent emotionally links he has with this first wife and any children of theirs. You did accept him with that and wouldn't want to be treated badly if the roles were reversed, equally he took on a second wife so needs to strike a balance. It's his job to deal with this, but don't feel scared about giving feedback! :)

MyheartbelongstoG · 14/03/2017 14:40

Give op a break ffs

SparklyMagpie · 14/03/2017 14:58

Has something changed in the relationship for this to come up suddenly?

Char22thom · 14/03/2017 15:07

I'm a third wife 😊 and he is 16yrs older than mw and he has child(ren) with each wife and none with me. I understand what you mean to a certain extent, but I just think that it wasn't all great otherwise they would still be together and if its a choice between being with him or finding someone else who hasn't been married/got a past then I know which I would choose hands down. I think you have to tackle your feelings and whilst accepting them you need to tell yourself thats in the past and he is with you and that's that. Compare it to yourself, you will have had firsts in previous relationships that is just how it goes. Is there something that particularly bothers you? What firsts are upsetting you? x

Ellisandra · 14/03/2017 15:12

What actually are these firsts?

The wedding itself is done with.
You're not talking about sex.

Is this about house buying? Having children?

TreeTop7 · 14/03/2017 18:18

I'm separated from my husband, and we're divorcing. The marriage was a bit of a sham tbh. If my ex remarries, his second marriage will be much better than ours I am sure. Don't automatically assume that second = second best. You might be exactly the right woman for him.

Toobloodytired · 14/03/2017 18:29

I moved in with my bf (our first)
I married my gf (our first)
I got pregnant by my new bf (our first)

He moaned as he said he wouldn't be the first for me for moving in & getting married, my wife moaned as moving in wouldn't be my first!

However, I had a first with all 3!
Okay, I'm running out of things lol, as me and bf (foc) have split!

Actually, I've one thing on my list left! & that's to marry a man!

Given age though, it's hard to find people who haven't already done most of the above at my age of 27!

Given the fact he's 25 years older than you, say you got together at 20, that would make him at least 45 years old now, possibly even pushing 50!

I'd think by that age, he'd have married, had kids & lived with someone!

My dad is 50 & he's got 3 kids & been married twice!

SillySongsWithLarry · 14/03/2017 18:56

He was probably married with a child before you were born. There is nothing wrong with age gap relationships but for him to not have and life experience before you were even an adult would result in no marriage or children until he was at least 42. It's highly unlikely.

tatree · 14/03/2017 20:10

Such harsh responses! She's allowed to feel however she wants regardless of if it's rational. It is a bit silly - she knows this which is why she's posting. Some people come off so smug and all knowing - how nice it must be always being perfect!

Op if the first of his anythings was anything to worry about you wouldn't be in the picture. His exes are exes for a reason. Be happy.

ButtercupChain · 14/03/2017 20:17

The OP is quite entitled to feel how she does. Why are people being horrible? Even asking how was your home life and family, why? are they suggesting she is finding a replacement daddy?! And one poster said 'you sound horribly young and unworldly and I doubt his motives!!!' What the actual F? Shock

Don't worry OP, you and your husband will have plenty of 'firsts' but his ex is always going to be there. Nothing you can do about that. Just roll with the punches... He married you, he loves you. Chill. Grin

Good luck to you. Smile

Original poster
TheGreenQueen · 15/03/2017 18:26

Thanks guys for being so helpful. I know its so irrational. We had a rocky time because his ex started meddling and it's taken a long time to get through it but we are finally starting to so I think it's just that. She uses their son as leverage and DH finds it hard.

We've been together 3.5 years. I was 23, him 47. And I've had loads of firsts with other men so it isn't relationships just the fact he was married before. My issues though.

We clearing out attic and when going through some boxes (not labelled and we bought her out) had all their old photos etc. I left them for him to deal with in the end but hard seeing it (kind of accept we both have a past but neither wants to see the other's).

We have DD together and she is first DD for us both so a very special and wonderful first to have together.

His ex still very angry with him. Was 4 years between their split and us meeting so I wasn't OW. His son is still a child so no step children my own age. Whenever I see her she tries to compare my marriage to hers which makes it hard too. Just want to focus on the future.

They are my issues and I really was just looking for ways to work through them. Thanks for advice and reassurance from posters, my previous relationships don't take away from the fact I love him with all my heart and he loves me with all of his. :)

OP posts:
happypoobum · 15/03/2017 19:25

Whenever I see her she tries to compare my marriage to hers which makes it hard too.

Why do you see her, I don't understand.

I am not surprised you feel uneasy living in her house - no way would I be doing that. Can you not move?

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 19:30

Move into your own place, that you choose together. Avoid his ex for a while, get DH to fetch DSS.

MissPoogy · 15/03/2017 19:30

This was a while ago. It was when DSS was poorly and we went over to visit him at his mum and SD home. Only seen once or twice since we married but each time she talks about how my DH proposed to her/ their wedding/ honeymoon etc.

The house is a very practical house in terms of work/ schools etc so it made sense to buy. We might sell in future for bigger home anyway.

PacificDogwod · 15/03/2017 19:33

IMO and IME 'firsts' are woefully overrated.

What counts is the 20th time he gives you a thoughtful birthday present, the 100th time he looks out for you and the 1000th time that you feel loved, support and that your life is enhanced by his presence. Same goes for him, of course.

Firsts? Pah.

PacificDogwod · 15/03/2017 19:33

supported