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Relationships

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Original poster

Hate I'm second wife

39 replies

TheGreenQueen · 14/03/2017 12:33

It's come from nowhere. I love my dh
H so much but he was married before for many years and had all his firsts.

I am 25 years younger. He is first hubby for me but not first relationship. Any help dealing with these feelings?

OP posts:

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 15/03/2017 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 15/03/2017 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happy2bhomely · 15/03/2017 19:43

Pacific What a lovely way of looking at it.

Bumbumtaloo · 15/03/2017 19:43

I can kind of understand where you are coming from.

My DH was married before, it only lasted just over 4yrs. He maintains (as do MiL & BiL) he knew he had made a mistake. She had an affair, they split he divorced her. No children.

When I was pregnant and a mess of hyperemisis, hormones etc I got upset that he had been married before and if she hadn't of had the affair he would have never left her. Once our DD was born I apologised for the shit I gave him.

The only other time it has bothered me was when I looked at our marriage certificate and it said for him previous marriage dissolved, I gave my head a wobble and realised in the grand scheme of things it didn't matter at all.

So I guess what I'm saying is does it really matter? Everyone had baggage of some kind, wouldn't you find it odd that a man of his age hadn't had any firsts with someone else, I know I would!

LanaorAna1 · 15/03/2017 19:48

Forget the ex - you're the real wife.

Don't worry about the whole 'firsts' thing - he must love you a lot to start again in his 40s. It's what happens tomorrow to make you happy that matters, not what either you, the ex or DH did yesterday.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2017 08:19

I'm surprised people are suggesting moving over a box of old photos in an attic!

My attic has a large box of memory stuff. Wedding photos too - because I might want to look back on a fabulous day with my friends, or share them with my child. Most likely I won't look at them again - but imagine sitting round in a nursing home at 80 with everyone sharing and having a laugh "OMG, I don't think you could even buy a wedding dress that covered shoulders in 2005... then of course Kate Middleton brought in non stop lace for 5 years..." and regretting that you could show yours, cos you'd binned them because of a needlessly jealous partner.

jojo2916 · 16/03/2017 09:34

No way would I have a box of pictures in my house with a partners ex in them I guess I'm a jealous type but can't imagine how anyone could be OK with that. Divorce is a big deal which is why no one does it lightly but once it's done the marriage is finished null and void , you are his wife now that's what counts. Next time his ex goes on about their great times together or whatever just laugh. Probably sounds mean but divorce means relationship is finished it seems like some people want to have their cake and eat it ie new partner and close relationship with ex, not fair to new partner IMO. Civil to each other for the sake of children when they are young fair enough, after that why would you even be in contact still. Don't get divorced if you want to continue reminiscing over old pictures etc. That's just my view of course and I admire anyone who can cope with their partner having a close relationship with an ex as I couldn't.

yecartmannew · 16/03/2017 09:50

I am a second wife and have a DSS and DSD.

I kind of get what you are feeling but I think the thing is just to fully accept and then move on.

My DH still has a couple of his first wedding photos and there are loads of photos of the kids with their mother in them, especially the new born ones.

Those are very precious, not because she is in them but because they are his children, and the wedding photos because it did happen. They obviously had some happy times and he will always care for her as the mother of some of his children, but when all is said and done they were together 7 years, we have now been together for nearly 30. That says it all for me.

And we got married after 25 years together, and the look on his face when he saw me step out of the carriage was priceless, and 100% our moment!

yecartmannew · 16/03/2017 09:52

Oh and that is not withstanding there have been times even recently (he has started having senior moments) when he will say to me "remember when......." and my response is "erm...........wrong wife!"

We always laugh those off.

MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2017 10:06

I think you have to just get past it, if you can. After all, you get the advantages of an older spouse - this is the flip side. Read 'Rebecca' if you want to count your blessings!

My DH is almost exactly the same age as me and we have grown up together. 25 years! But this means that I have been there for his slightly, ahem, less appealing phases too. And he mine, of course!

Confused59 · 16/03/2017 10:16

I am a second wife . We have had a lot of firsts in our relationship, I do understand the feeling of oh he has had the first whatever but we have had our first as well. Been together 37 years.

MissPoogy · 16/03/2017 10:22

Old photos are going to be stored at his mum's to pass on to his son as I said his son may want them. Dh won't create boundaries with her. Drops me and dd to do favours everytime.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2017 11:15

Your problem is not old photos then, your problem is current issues like being dropped for him to go and help his ex wife out.

Do you want to explain more about what he does?

I'll get slapped down by all the people on here with successful large age gap relationships on here now... but honestly, we see people posting here sometime "my 20yo is dating a 44yo, am I wrong to be uncomfortable?" and plenty of people say "I wouldn't like it". My heckles are up that you're in a relationship with someone who is much older where the dynamic between you might not be very equal as a result. It certainly sounds like he doesn't respect your feelings if he's prioritising his ex wife.

MissPoogy · 16/03/2017 12:16

I've posted before about it under old usernames and changed name as don't want anyone I know to come across it. I have had advice on it before, spoken to him so many times and it just doesn't change. I just don't know how to work it out and make the right decisions and I,dont want to make a stupid mistake.

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