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Original poster

Name deal breaker?

42 replies

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:23

DP and I both married before - me divorced, him widowed. The subject of marriage came up as we are expecting DC (each have 1 DC from first marriages).

He's reluctant to get married as he knows I don't want to take his name (e.g. will be different to my DC but same as his, already had a 'Mrs DP'). I know he is BU but I am really hurt that he doesn't want to marry me as if I don't change my name then 'nothing changes'.

I've countered by saying that if that's the case, why don't I revert to my maiden name and my DC has her dad's name, his DC has his name and then 'our' DC can have my 'new name'.

Can anyone foresee issues I need to address? As much as it would resolve the situation, I don't want to just let our DC have his surname especially as unmarried.

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whattodowiththepoo · 06/03/2017 13:30

Sorry I'm a bit confused, do you have your ex husbands name at the moment? I could understand him not wanting your dc with him having your exs name. Why won't you take his name or let your dc have his name?

GummyGoddess · 06/03/2017 13:33

I had this argument for years and just kept pointing out what a ridiculous double standard it was and that his name was not more important than mine. He eventually got it and realised he was being silly. Baby has double barrelled surname.

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/03/2017 13:36

I think that if the only reason he doesn't want to get married is because you won't change your name to his, then he is being unreasonable. What any future children of both of yours is called is a separate issue again. They could have your maiden name double barrelled with your DPs surname, if you like.

Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:38

I kept XH surname on the basis that my existing DC had it.

As we are unmarried I do not want our DC to solely have his name.

The double standards is what is upsetting me - naming convention when married has been followed so far but as we are unmarried then naming convention suggests baby should have my name.

The issue is it is XH name so I understand why DP is not happy, he's also against double barrelled for same reason.

I don't want to change my name to his and be Mr and Mrs DP and two DC with same surname but my existing DC be different (her dad will not change her name and I don't expect him too)

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Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:39

Wow I've confused myself!

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Bluntness100 · 06/03/2017 13:39

I'd more likely do a double barrelled surname for your child , his and yours. However am I right in saying uou still use your married name and don't want to change it even though you're divorced and wish to remarry?

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2017 13:42

I would change my name back to my maiden name and give it to the child.

I know some people wouldn't care, but I don't think I could give my child the surname of an ex he/she was not related to.

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 13:44

If its your exhusbands I can see why he doesnt want to you to retain that whilst married to him and can see why he is unhappy that you dont want to do what you did previously (e.g. you changed for him, why not me).

Can you double barrel your maiden name & his surname for you both and/or the new child?

FATEdestiny · 06/03/2017 13:44

How about making up a completely new surname?

I know someone who merged their surnames to make a different (perfectly normal, not a made-up word) surname. I know others who just chose a completely new surname unrelated to their previous names.

Then your DC have their surname
His DC have their surname
You, DH and new baby have the "new" surname.

Better still - change all of the children's names to the new surname, to fully blend the family.

But..

If the only reason he won't commit to marriage is becaise of your refusal to change names, don't marry him. Indeed having his child maybe wasn't the best idea.

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 13:46

To be honest I wouldnt marry someone who was keeping the name of their ex.

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2017 13:47

Sorry, your proposing giving his kids your ex husbands name? I get you trying to keep it all the same, but I can see why he would not like that.

Suspendersformybelief · 06/03/2017 13:47

I completely understand your point of view and it is a major confliction when DP and I speak of getting married. We want a child together too but I wouldn't want me, him and another DC, to have a name that my DD can't have because she has her dad's surname. It would feel like she was excluded from our family.

I think even if it is maybe overthinking it, it's a valid concern about your child's sense of security and it can be worked around rather than just saying 'well tough, we won't get married then'. I think he's being really unreasonable.

I have reverted back to my maiden name since my divorce though so slightly different and I do understand why he wouldn't want you or his new DC to have your old married name.

I think you should stick to your guns, baby has your (maiden) name if unmarried, double-barrelled if you get married.

Did you see the news story about the couple who fought legally for their rights to have a civil partnership? They made up their own surname by mixing their two surnames together!? I like that idea, perhaps not if your OH is traditionally minded though

Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:47

Haha I realise that now FATE He won't change his name full stop. It ironically doesn't double barrel well with anything either.

I am happy to change my name I just kept XH name as it was easier - I just don't necessarily want to change to his for reasons above. He understands why I'm reluctant given I took XH name and now am the one to have to change again!

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Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:50

I'm not trying to give our DC my XH name - I can see why that is a no go.

I suggested double barrelling effectively what is our existing DC's names so that they each shared a part with their sibling but that got vetoed too.

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Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:52

Plus my maiden name is shit otherwise I'd have gone back to that already... in fact, were it not so shit I'd have kept it first time around'

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Suspendersformybelief · 06/03/2017 13:53

Why do any of you have to change though?

So to be completely clear, he won't marry you if you don't change your name to HIS name? Full stop?

If you change back to your maiden name and keep it after being married because you don't want to exclude your DC, he won't marry you?

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/03/2017 13:55

So he is completely inflexible then? He will not accept anything other than you taking his surname, and your child together having his surname? He hasn't had to compromise - when he was married he got to keep his name and also use that name for his first child.

Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 13:56

He struggling to get his head around why I don't want to change to his name. It's not an ultimatum and he realises that while he holds these views it's not happening anyway!!

I quite like the idea of having my 'own name' and just going with that. DP, XH and my parents have all expressed an opinion so I'm tempted to change it anyway to my own choice as a statement that none of them own me!

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SeeMyVest · 06/03/2017 13:57

You want to give your future children your XH name? Even in a double barrel that's unreasonable imo sorry.

SeeMyVest · 06/03/2017 13:58

Sorry, I think I got confused. You want to give future DC your maiden name? Well that's fine isn't it?! If he doesn't agree to that he IBU

SeeMyVest · 06/03/2017 13:59

It will make passport security interesting

Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 14:03

That's my point SeeMyVest

Currently I'd be the one carting around the up to 3 kids with their Dad's names... I'm expected to change my name... admin burden falls on me!

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Suspendersformybelief · 06/03/2017 14:06

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I think when you're going for a second marriage and blending a family, it's really unhelpful of him to not be open to a compromise. Nothing is ever going to suit everybody perfectly is it, that's the point. You're merging two families and trying to make another. Why should his name trump all the others?

Anyway, I think you've got the right idea

GummyGoddess · 06/03/2017 14:07

But it isn't her XH name anymore, it's her name and became hers when she chose it.

Original poster

cuddlesandchips · 06/03/2017 14:10

Thanks GummyGoddess - that's exactly my point.

Tempted to deed poll my name to something that wouldn't double barrel with his at all as it would be just silly - some sort of adjective

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