Name deal breaker?

[cuddlesandchips]

DP and I both married before - me divorced, him widowed. The subject of marriage came up as we are expecting DC (each have 1 DC from first marriages).

He's reluctant to get married as he knows I don't want to take his name (e.g. will be different to my DC but same as his, already had a 'Mrs DP'). I know he is BU but I am really hurt that he doesn't want to marry me as if I don't change my name then 'nothing changes'.

I've countered by saying that if that's the case, why don't I revert to my maiden name and my DC has her dad's name, his DC has his name and then 'our' DC can have my 'new name'.

Can anyone foresee issues I need to address? As much as it would resolve the situation, I don't want to just let our DC have his surname especially as unmarried.

Is it possibly to do with the fact his first wife died? Is he perhaps concerned about his existing child not having the same name as his soon to be baby brother or sister. Obviously this would apply to your child but perhaps your DP is more sensitive to it - I know it's not that logical but I'm just trying to think if reasons why he is being stubborn. IYSWIM It depends on the ages of the kids too.

In your circumstances then I think I'd change to his name. At least then you will only have two names in the family. It's not to do with 'the patriarchy' and more to do with what's simplest.

I think new family surnames are generally the way to go but I can see that would be too tricky in your circumstance

I'd 'give' him this one but I might counter offer with getting final say for your new child's first name.

some sort of adjective

... if his is a colour, say Green, you could change your name something like Moss or Jade

BTW. Did you agree anything before you got pregnant?

cuddlesandchips - you don't have your XH name - you have your legal name that you changed to many years ago, and probably identify with (happens to be same as XH), which is also your DC's name - and your future child would therefore have your legal name (and not your XH's name). I would stay with your current name same as first DC, and double barrel baby's with your partner's surname. Then if you get married you can double barrel your name (so you still have link with first DC). Or give baby your name, and when you do get married you and baby double barrel your names at that point.

"It's not to do with 'the patriarchy'"

Yes it is. Or he would be happy to change his name to the OPs.

Thing is, if you want to revert to your maiden name then it doesn't ring true that you're keeping your eXH's name for your existing DC does it? Otherwise you changing your name back wouldn't be an option either, which is why I can understand why your DP is unhappy that you won't change your name to his. Because it has nothing to do with your existing DC.

I have my eXH's name and haven't reverted back to my maiden name for that reason. However me and DP are engaged and I've waivered about whether I would change my name to his for the same reasons. For me it's about having the same name as my DS, and it wouldn't bother me to change my name to DP's otherwise.

If your existing DC has her dad's name and you don't want to change your name because of that then given your name is also your eXH's name IMO your baby should have your DP's name.

No it's not because his first wife died. He comes from a very patriarchal read misogynistic culture

"It's not to do with 'the patriarchy'"

"Yes it is. Or he would be happy to change his name to the OPs."

Well I am not sure taking the name of one man and spreading it around is free from patriarchy to be honest.

If he has never changed his name but you have and your solution is changing again rather than giving an original family name (his) I can see his point.
I also understand f you want your dcs to be linked by name to your future DC but I'm not sure why starting fresh with his name is a bad idea.....
Wait, I have no fucking idea I have confused the shit out of myself. I don't have the brain capacity to understand this.

To be honest, if he's being all high and mighty and refusing to compromise at all, then I'd remind him that as you're not married, name choice comes down to your decision in the end. And I'd name the baby whatever you wanted.

For what it's worth, I don't see any issue with using your current surname... As a pp said, it's not "your ex's" surname, it's yours too. I kept my married name on divorce, to stay the same as DD, and if I have another baby that will be it's surname as well.

Can you use your mothers maiden name? Then double barrel your child's name with original plus new maiden name. Double barrel your name as your mothers maiden name and his name

Or just double barrel old DH and new DH names for you and maybe your child?

Does it matter if it doesn't double barrel well. It's just a name

Let me get this straight, and using imaginary names.

Your maiden name was Patterson
You got married to John Mason and your DC is Jimmy Mason - can't change that it's his name.
You got separated and met William Changeitmust who won't marry you unless you take his name.
William has little Billychangeitmust - can't change it, it's his name.
William and you want another child but are arguing over the surname you and child will have.

I can see his point in that you took another man's name so why now not his to be fair.

If you can't get over this then I'd be wondering I this is the right relationship for both of you. Love is about mutual compromise but I don't see what the name of an already registered child has to do with it. That child has a name and it isn't up for grabs.

This whole thread is the reason I'm against women changing their names when married. I've known too many women that get divorced and end up in admin shit storm and a in a dilemma about not having the same surname as their children.

Good luck OP.

A lot won't agree with me but I had three sons with my first husband; they and I all had his surname. We split up and I became pregnant with my DD, she has the same surname as me and my DS's. Father was not happy but that was my name and had been for many years.
A compromise would be your current surname (XH's name or not) and your DP's.

So if you marry are you happy for your dc together to have his surname? You'd just be keeping yours so you have the same as your dc from previous relationship?

If so I think he's been very unreasonable, you don't want your dc being the only one with a different surname.
I'd quite simply say, if you're unmarried then new dc will be having your surname so he/she will be the same as you and your dc. If he changes his mind on marriage at a later date you could always change baby's name.

If you wanted to compromise somewhat, you could say when your dc grows up and moves out, you'll change to his name then.

If you don't marry, make sure you've been to a solicitor and that you both have a will in place to make sure both yourselves and all dc would be looked after.
Presumably his dc lives with you? Would marriage make a difference to what would happen custody wise with regards to his dc if something happened to him? I've no experience or idea, sorry! But if you've not both looked into these things already, you definitely need to do so as soon as possible.

Thanks for all the advice - some really interesting reading.

I'm going down the route of changing my surname, not back to my maiden name but to another family name. That removes the issue of it being 'XH' surname but I will plan to keep this one now

DD is happy with this - she was my most important person to think about. Although an admin burden at times not having the same name as her my worry was the emotional connection and I don't think this worries her at all. Still her Mummy!

That levels the playing field in a way with DP even though I'm doing this for myself. We can go back to the drawing board on our DC's name.