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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help

26 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2017 23:36

I was with my partner for two years after I found out our sexless relationship was a sham as he was meeting men dressed as women for oral sex. We separated then got back together months later.
We sought relationship and sex therapy but I felt it was pointless as I felt if he's not interested in me there's no forcing him.
We get on really well but he has to meet his mates at the pub 3 times a week on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday every week.
I hate this routine of his,
Am I being selfish or am I realising it's time to walk away.
He is a lovely guy the nicest bloke you could meet but I feel I'm more his sister than anything else.
Advice please xxx

OP posts:
phoolani · 05/03/2017 23:59

What are you doing? You appear to be in a relationship with a gay man - what are you getting out of it? Meeting his mates seems to be the least of the problems.

BaymaxismyHero · 06/03/2017 00:04

Move on. Your wasting time and energy.
Have to agree with the above comment, sounds like your in a relationship with a gay man.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2017 00:15

I need some really good help here please.
My bloke and I got back together over a year ago, fair play to him he's pulled out all of the stops we get on really well but there's no sex, no morning glory that I've seen, no stirring of his loins though I'm certain he sorts himself out.
He likes being out with his old drinking buddies ( over 55,s) as that's his old routine he's followed since his 20,s. To me it's regimented, stops us from being normal . I feel I am a nag to want him to stay home and be spontaneous with me xx

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 06/03/2017 00:20

He's your comfort blanket, a friend. Not a husband. It isn't going to change.

phoolani · 06/03/2017 00:22

Honestly, that's your biggest problem? That he goes out with friends? Although given his history, are you sure they're just friends? My good help would be to suggest that his seeming complete lack of interest in you is the bigger problem.

tinglyfing · 06/03/2017 00:32

Of course you feel like his sister! He's gay!
You should end this relationship and seek the happiness you really deserve with a man that isn't gay!
It doesn't matter how often he goes out with his mates - it ain't gonna change his sexuality. And that is, imo, your biggest problem here.

louloulottie · 06/03/2017 00:34

He's using you to hide his sexuality. As good as you maybe together, he's not showing you any signs of being sexually attracted to you. This happened to my friend, all of what you have stated here. You may waste years waiting for him to change. Sorry to say it, but you don't tick his boxes from what you've said. Sad but sounds very likely.

louloulottie · 06/03/2017 00:39

And re me saying he's using you.... I don't mean that in a bad way, it is possible for him to love you / be happy living together except you don't fulfil him sexually. Maybe he hasn't fully come to terms with it yet, and it's just easier for him to stay with you ( hence kind of using you as a security blanket ) I was going to ask maybe he's bi... but complete lack of sexual interest in you suggests otherwise. Hugs Flowers

AnyFucker · 06/03/2017 00:47

You are his beard

You get that, right ?

Isetan · 06/03/2017 12:08

You're a convenience, an acceptable cover story.

The disturbing part of your posts isn't his behaviour, it's yours and your refusal to accept him for who he is and not who you desperately want him to be. There isn't a parallel universe where he's different and you get your happy ever after.

This is who he is accept it and move on.

sunshinesupermum · 06/03/2017 12:15

Having been married t a secretly gay man for 30 years I can only advise you that your relationship is going nowhere. You deserve so much better than this man who doesn't desire you. You are his 'beard' ie his cover as he doesn't want people to know the truth about his sexuality.

Just leave or dump him NOW.

Adora10 · 06/03/2017 12:33

FGS, why are you accepting this, he's off meeting other gay men whilst you sit at home; you're nothing but a cover to him by the looks if it, there's no relationship there.

Why do you want a relationship with a gay man?

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2017 17:08

I'm certain he's given up meeting others for sex, though I am certain he sorts himself out sexually. We have tried in the past 12 months but I'd have to dress up as just me doesn't do it for him, then he'd not show any interest for months, it's as though he services me to stop the nagging .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2017 17:27

Where is your pride ? Confused

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2017 23:26

I have a lot of pride 😜

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2017 23:29

Then your "pride" (or stubborn wish to delude yourself) is your downfall. You are having the piss taken.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 07/03/2017 00:57

I have a lot of pride in many areas of my life, thus may not be one of those areas but I take great Pride in many aspects of my life.
If things were clear cut would I look for other people's views.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2017 02:18

Do you pride yourself on the front you present to the outside world ?

It is ashes when you live like this behind closed doors

0riole · 07/03/2017 02:25

Is this a joke Hmm a gay man doesn't and won't want to sleep with you, that isn't going to change. You are basically forcing him to sleep with you, if it were the other way round the responses would be in uproar. Confused

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 07/03/2017 07:45

My partner has had many female relationships , he said the reason he turned to these sex sites was down to sex addiction as he only knows how to have sex , he doesn't know how to make love. He was also on a swingers site and in his past life has had threesomes with a female and male, my gut instinct is he has a cold detachment to sex. I'm certain nothing has happened for 18 months now. We've been to sex therapy which supports his views plus he had impotence issues after a bad relationship where his partner was unfaithful.
I checked out these sites and I noticed there are a mixture of gay, bisexual men and straight men who look for uncomplicated sex and excitement in their lives.🌻

OP posts:
NoFanJoe · 07/03/2017 13:12

He doesn't seem to have cold detachment to sex with men though. What are you getting from being with a gay man? You're surely better off being with someone who wants you, all of you.

0riole · 07/03/2017 13:14

Either this is a joke or you need serious mental help.

NotTheFordType · 07/03/2017 13:17

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? He's not sexually attracted to you and he spends nearly 50% of his leisure time out with his mates, not you.

Don't you want a relationship with someone who actually loves you and wants to spend time with you?

I'm sorry but you're not going to get it with this man.

Yeahfine · 07/03/2017 13:20

I can't think what advice you want apart from the obvious ie call it a day.

Do you actually want people to suggest how you can change him? How you can make him suddenly become attracted to you?

A few nights out a week is not the real issue is it although I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him based on his recent history.

Bluntness100 · 07/03/2017 13:23

What do you have to dress up as? If he has oral sex with other men, he is at the least BI sexual. I suspect he is actually gay and due to age doesn't want to come out.