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Original poster

A year-long affair - WTF?

43 replies

wifeinshock · 04/03/2017 16:53

Dear God. Feeling a bit ....gobsmacked right now.

DH works away, on a week on, week off arrangement. I have just found out that for the last YEAR he has been sleeping with a co-worker during his week on. Apparently he has been basically living with this woman, not just sleeping with her (though that would be bad enough, I think) but doing bits of DIY for her, going away on breaks with her, buying her stuff.... it just goes on. He says there is nothing to it, it was just sex and a bit of comfort while he was working away – but for a YEAR? The worst thing is that it turns out that he apparently stayed at hers on Christmas Eve, swapped presents with her on Christmas morning and then hopped in the van and drove back down to us. He texts her every day, even when he’s at home.

I think I am in shock. We’ve been together 25 years, we’ve got two boys in their late teens who will go mad when they find out what their dad has been up to. I didn’t think our marriage was awful – its not a mad passionate thing but after 25 years and two kids, whose marriage is? I don’t know what to do, whether to throw him out or try and make it work.

He says its all over and he wont be seeing her any more, but I don’t even know whether to believe him. If I was just a one-night stand or a fling, I don’t think I’d be quite so upset, but seeing someone for a year? Thats a bloody relationship!!

OP posts:
Mummamayhem · 04/03/2017 16:55

Jesus. What an awful discovery. Be kind of yourself, you'll probably be in shock.

Mummamayhem · 04/03/2017 16:58

Presumably he didn't volunteer this info and has got caught out. So I wouldn't believe him for a second to say he'll go from living with another woman/contact every day to just...done with it.

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/03/2017 16:58

Firstly, don't make any rash decisions. Don't let him pressure you into making sudden decisions. Think it through, see how you feel and do what you need to do to feel ok; if you need him to leave, tell him that. If you need him to sleep elsewhere, tell him that. If you need to rant, do it. If you need to take things one day at a time, do it.

Secondly, it absolutely wasn't a fling or a 'bit of comfort'. He's minimising it. Don't let him do that and make you think it wasn't a big deal. If he feels shitty and guilty then that's his own stupid fault. Do you have much support nearby? If you do, make sure you lean on your friends and spend time with people who are going to be kind to you. [flowers} and Gin

SandyY2K · 04/03/2017 16:59

Did he confess? Or did you find out?

He was basically leading a double life. That's a lot to get over and him saying it was just sex, really doesn't help.

oleoleoleole · 04/03/2017 17:00

Oh gosh. Sending 💐💐

tinglyfing · 04/03/2017 17:00

So sorry you're going through this. How did you find out? Did he confess? Is he remorseful?

CalmItKermitt · 04/03/2017 17:01

Oh you poor thing 💐💐💐

Blossomdeary · 04/03/2017 17:02

Some fling!

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2017 17:03

That's more than just an affair, isn't it? They were living like a couple.

Where did he tell you he was all that time? Did you talk in the evenings? Did he even mention she existed? And how did you find out?

noego · 04/03/2017 17:04

Make it work??? Make what work??? He left you and the kids a year ago. What would have happened if you hadn't found out?? Would he still be living a non-monogamous life?? He's been living a lie and now you are believing the lies he is now telling you.

FrenchLavender · 04/03/2017 17:05

I might buy the 'it's a bit of comfort because I'm lonely working away from home' excuse if he was working three months away at a a time, but a week on a week off? Nah.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2017 17:10

He says there is nothing to it, it was just sex and a bit of comfort while he was working away.

So he'd be fine if you had another man for comfort while he was away then?

Because you were also without your spouse, in the same way he was.

Unless he's giving up that job, why would you not believe he'll still need comfort and not carry on with the affair?

Did she know he was married?

Icallbullshit3 · 04/03/2017 17:11

FlowersOP because that's awful and I really feel for you. I don't think I could forgive my husband for that.

Original poster
wifeinshock · 04/03/2017 17:13

The funny thing is, he DID mention her a couple of times, but only in the sense of "i went for a drink with X, Y, and Z" or " X, Y, Z and I went for a Chinese" (and X, Y, and Z - she would be Z - do seem to be party people, always going out and having a good time according to him).

Appparently she was a just a laugh to be around, works in the same field as him and was "easy to talk to"...i just bet she was. Easy to do lots of things to, from the sounds of it. I'm a couple of years older than my DH and i know that since I had the change, that our sex life hasnt been great...but againm, it never seemed awful.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 17:16

I would ask him to move out with immediate effect. Tell your late teens age appropriate truth re their dad.

I would also consider seeking legal advice next week re separation because knowledge is power. You do not have to immediately act on any legal advice.

gluteustothemaximus · 04/03/2017 17:22

Would definitely ask him to leave to give you space while you think about this all. There are no excuses. He chose to have an affair without thought for your feelings or your two sons.

Sorry, for you Flowers what an awful shock.

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/03/2017 17:25

You poor thing, what an awful shock. He must have no normal empathy ( or moral compass) to think that this was acceptable practice.

user1484578224 · 04/03/2017 17:31

I guess I would say find a reputable therapist and make an appointment ASAP.

by all means get support here but be aware everybody will be jumping in with their stuff.

THC63 · 04/03/2017 18:01

I am not sure why you would even consider working things out. This is deceit on a grand scale. Do you really want to live with someone who is capable of this!

WomanWithAltitude · 04/03/2017 18:06

Flowers How horrible for you.

I'm not sure there is anything that can be salvaged... how could you ever trust him again when you know how much he has lied to you, and for so long?

Original poster
wifeinshock · 04/03/2017 19:01

i love him... i am such a fool.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 04/03/2017 19:04

You need to have an sti check if he's been sleeping with you too. I'm so sorry, what an awful thing to happen. He's an arse.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 04/03/2017 19:10

So sorry to hear this. My "d"h was in a relationship for a year, maybe more with a colleague from work that he saw on all of his numerous business trips (he denies dtd, but that's a different story). It's a horrible shock when you find out. The long term part of it is almost worse than an impetuous one night stand as you spend a lot of time thinking back about all the clues you could have caught or all the changes you didn't notice etc - almost two years on and those things twinge at me fairly regularly still.

Be kind to yourself. Take the time to think about yourself in this first period of time and do not allow him to badger you if that's not what you want. You can read any number of self help books, or these forums, another Ive seen another poster link is survivinginfidelity.com. Forget where I saw it but I did see a good list of things to do for yourself when you first find out that I wish I'd thought to do for myself.

And yes, you will feel a fool for a long time especially if he's doing nothing to help you get over it (especially by minimizing it and telling you lame excuses as to why you shouldn't care what he did). The only thing that helps me in that regard is reminding myself that I'm not the one who is dishonorable, for lack of a better word, or a liar, or a cheat etc. and that yes we can still love people who hurt us so badly but that doesn't mean we absolutely have to put up with their shit.

Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 19:13

How did you find out and why have they split? Was she even aware of you and your boys?

MadMags · 04/03/2017 19:14

That's not an affair. That's a second life.

You love him? You don't even know him.

He's living with this woman and sharing a life with her for the same amount of time he's living with you. If you want to share, that's your lookout. But make no bones about it; this went way beyond an affair.

How did you find out?