A year-long affair - WTF?

[wifeinshock]

Dear God. Feeling a bit ....gobsmacked right now.

DH works away, on a week on, week off arrangement. I have just found out that for the last YEAR he has been sleeping with a co-worker during his week on. Apparently he has been basically living with this woman, not just sleeping with her (though that would be bad enough, I think) but doing bits of DIY for her, going away on breaks with her, buying her stuff.... it just goes on. He says there is nothing to it, it was just sex and a bit of comfort while he was working away – but for a YEAR? The worst thing is that it turns out that he apparently stayed at hers on Christmas Eve, swapped presents with her on Christmas morning and then hopped in the van and drove back down to us. He texts her every day, even when he’s at home.

I think I am in shock. We’ve been together 25 years, we’ve got two boys in their late teens who will go mad when they find out what their dad has been up to. I didn’t think our marriage was awful – its not a mad passionate thing but after 25 years and two kids, whose marriage is? I don’t know what to do, whether to throw him out or try and make it work.

He says its all over and he wont be seeing her any more, but I don’t even know whether to believe him. If I was just a one-night stand or a fling, I don’t think I’d be quite so upset, but seeing someone for a year? Thats a bloody relationship!!

Tell him that you won't be staying together, so he may as well tell you the truth of it.

Whatever you decide to do with your relationship, he has deceived you and that's very difficult to live with, believe me. You will never trust him again and will constantly be wondering what he's up to.

Be gentle with yourself. No-one knows 100% what their OH is doing and what's happened with yours is a massive shock, but it's not your fault.

I'm a couple of years older than my DH and i know that since I had the change, that our sex life hasnt been great...but againm, it never seemed awful.

Nothing you have done excuses his behaviour. Don't blame this on your menopause. Blame this on your husband. He's the one who has betrayed you, over and over, for a full year. He is despicable. You deserve so much better.

OMG you must be in shock. I wouldn't do anything rash, just sit with it for a bit. Have a look online at 'infidelity' and see if it can shed some light on things? Just don't expect your brain to be functioning right now. Take things minute by minute and speak to your closets friends and get some support xx

How did all this come out OP?

He wasn't just having an affair he's been living a double life. That can't ever be forgiven or forgotten. How could you come back from that?

Agree this is a double life. How did you find out?

I could never get over this - he would have to go. If you stay with him you will spend every minute apart wondering if he is with another woman - it will destroy you even more than how things are now.

Be kind to yourself this must have been a dreadful shock. Please tell someone in RL - don't keep it to yourself. You need lots of support and time to decide what to do next.

How are you feeling today OP?

Bloody hell

Its a double life - exactly. I still cant believe it. I found out from another colleague that he works with, who had only jsut found out himself. I asked DH if it was true and he admitted it. I'm just numb.

He admitted today that he'd taken some time off when he was meant to be working, and gone away to Scotland wit this woman. He hasnt been on holiday with us for well over a year.

wifeinshock - i'm really sorry to hear this. please do take the time to take care of yourself first and foremost.

i finally figured out his 2 week european "business" trip was actually 95% vacation with his colleague, and then later found out he'd been with her on pretty much every business trip for at least the preceding year. he'd used up his precious vacation days that he refused to "waste" on places with me and DS to go off with OW instead.

it really is a horrible feeling, and i'm sorry to say nothing can take away that gut punch feeling.

DH uncle did this but he worked abroad, it happened for six years. They are now divorced, he broke up with the woman and then met another and married again. His wife is really bitter obviously. His adult children really don't like him now.

Sorry this happened to you.

An almost identical thing happened to me. My exDP was away four weeks, home four weeks. I found out he'd been living with the OW for a year while he was away. It's identical, even down to holidays and spending Christmas together. It absolutely devastated me.

I m not sure how useful it is for you to know that. He also denied, minimised, the usual crap. In fairness be never blamed me. Needless to say we split up, still with him denying it.

My own dad this, it's not that uncommon with men who work away from home, he was effectively living a second life, it was not just sex.

No coming back if this was me; he's shat all over your relationship, the level of deceit is astounding as is his apparent apathy towards your feelings if I am reading this right, he doesn't seem much bothered.

Time to decide if you want to try with a liar and cheat; for me this would signal the end; I'd not accept this ever; he's shown you he cannot be trusted unless you have a tag on him, fuck living like that.

From what I understand from my exDP it is more than "not uncommon". It's positively prevalent

That's not an affair. That's a second life.

Completely agree. I also wonder what the "OW" (second wife) is thinking here. I would put money on the fact she thinks her "D"P is divorced or separated. I mean you would wouldn't you?

Think of all those posts here from (what later turns out to be) OW along the lines of "but I've been to his house/stayed over night" who are duped on minimal contact. He was living with her and going on holiday.

I bet she will be as shocked as you are when she discovers he in fact has a wife.

That is a shocking level of deception. I think I could forgive a short affair or a one night stand - this kind of thing I don't think I could. It's utterly life destroying stuff.

Can you live with this forever? That's the question you need to ask yourself.

That's way, way too much deception to ever come back from.

So sorry OP

I know you love him but this isn't just cheating its a 2nd relationship. It's going to be hard but chuck the bastard out, he obviously has no respect for you or your marriage, you shouldn't be expected to forgive this.