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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guilt over not having enough time for hubby

41 replies

Chopper1975 · 03/03/2017 21:03

I'm a FT working mum of a 9 and 5 year old. I take on most of the running of the house and sorting childcare/kids after school activities (ironic seeing as I did a bloody Womens Studies degree!!) etc and struggle finding the energy at the end of the day to do nothing more than put pj's on, pour the odd glass of wine and just relax.
My hubby, who is lovely, finds it hard to get that I can't be faffed with anything else ('early nights'!!!) and tbh I have no real interest. If I'm going to have an early night, it'll be to go to sleep!
Is it just me.....

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/03/2017 21:08

You should only ever do, what you want to do however, if it's important to him, don't dismiss it. Slippery slope etc.

Original poster
Chopper1975 · 03/03/2017 21:12

xx

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/03/2017 21:16

Does he do his bit in the running of the house/life? I couldn't be fucked if I did it all either tbh

Original poster
Chopper1975 · 03/03/2017 21:19

He does all the washing but everyone knows about it if you know what I mean!!

OP posts:
OnHold · 03/03/2017 21:21

Him doing his share of the housework Is the best foreplay. Tell him that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/03/2017 21:22

Funny how lots of partners who don’t initiate anything domestically have no problem with initiating sex.

Emboo19 · 03/03/2017 21:26

I'd be inclined to tell him if he did a bit more around the house with the kids etc, then you wouldn't be quite so tired.

My parents have been together 21 years and still have plenty of early nights my rooms directly above theirs and soundproofing isn't great Blush
But they have always shared all household chores and childcare. They have always had time for their intrests and friends too, so have stayed 'them' if that makes sense.

maras2 · 03/03/2017 21:27

all the washing Shock What a trooper.
We have a washing machine.
It's the future. Smile

HeddaGarbled · 03/03/2017 22:18

I've seen this advice on here many times before and I think it's good: make a list of every single task that needs doing in the home, with the children and wider obligations like keeping up contact with friends and family. Google search wife work to make sure you don't miss anything.

Then sit down with him and divide them up fairly.

I think when you see the length of the list, any guilt you currently feel will disappear as if by magic.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2017 22:19

You are doing "women's studies" and still feeling guilty about not servicing a bloke ?

Really ?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/03/2017 22:20

So it's just your washing machine that's not vaginally operated?

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2017 22:20

I agree with the list, given he is as he is.

Make a list and each week put things in priority order. Have another column where you initial who's done each job. Then show him (or ram it down his throat.) How on earth would you fancy anyone who makes you do all the work?

Dadaist · 03/03/2017 22:35

Er - I think it's 'servicing' the relationship that matters! And if it matters then you try to find time. There's a whole lot said about sharing household chores - and of course it's important to have a sense of shared responsibilities and support. But ultimately a more common issue is partners no longer feeling excited and attracted to their OH - which no amount of hoovering and childcare will fix.
OP - one of the horrible ironies is that we can take for granted the things and people most important to us. Not being 'faffed' shows that you are pretty certain you no longer have to do anything to nurture your relationship. There are endless pages on MN where the end of relationships, affairs and disconnection date back to not being arsed due to the other demands when kids were younger. And the truth is - it rarely takes much - but it takes more than doing nothing.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2017 07:47

Something needs to be done or your marriage will go down the tubes.

If you're doing so much in addition to full time work, it's leaving you exhausted and will impact on the marriage in a bad way.

Tell him how you feel and why being tired from all of it, is making you so tired that you don't have the energy to do anything with him.

corythatwas · 04/03/2017 14:18

maras2 Fri 03-Mar-17 21:27:04
"all the washing What a trooper.
We have a washing machine.
It's the future. "

Grin
pointythings · 04/03/2017 17:31

So you both work f/t but he does not do his fair share of the housework - you do it all? And you blame yourself for not having enough time for him?

You need to get over that, fast. He needs to pull his weight at home. Doing that will free up a shit tonne of your time and give you time for all the bedroom shenanigans you both want. This is his issue, not yours.

TurnipCake · 04/03/2017 17:41

So you work full-time, do most of the shitwork at home as well as raising two children, and yet he expects a medal for knowing how the washing machine works?

Yeah, I wouldn't be up for having an 'early night' either Hmm

Dadaist · 04/03/2017 19:04

mmm Perhaps it's common for DWs to just withhold affection or intimacy with DH because they feel there is an imbalance in the workload of a shared household - but it's also a pretty destructive thing to do surely? Wouldn't it be better to talk honestly about the impact housework has on having the time energy and inclination to spend time together? Are there many DHs who would just shrug it off rather than try and pick up some of the work - if they understood how it affected the relationship? Genuine question.

TurnipCake · 04/03/2017 19:08

It wouldn't be withholding in the passive-aggressive Daily Mail suggestion, I'd just wouldn't be attracted to someone so damn lazy.

I was in a relationship like this before, no amount of sitting down and having a nice chat about it made any difference. He'd clean the bath, once, drag me to see and admire it (yes, really) and revert to type within a couple of weeks.

Dadaist · 04/03/2017 20:08

Oh - ok - so this is more about how lazy DHs are gonna lose respect - which I totally get.

corythatwas · 04/03/2017 23:57

Dadaist Sat 04-Mar-17 19:04:38

"Are there many DHs who would just shrug it off rather than try and pick up some of the work - if they understood how it affected the relationship? "

Do you mean that blokes are generally too thick to understand the concept of "if dw has to do more work than I, then dw will get more tired"?

Or do you mean that she has to spell out the effect on him- his marriage will suffer- because he can't be expected to care about the effect on her?

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 10:50

Generally corythatwas? - yes, blokes do need this stuff spelt out. Really are a bit thick about a lot of this - bit crap I know! I'm not defending, just explaining. But in fairness (a little defensiveness coming,,,) - let's not forget that any number of moments of passive aggression, or sarcasm, being snappy, or inconsiderate response etc can be explained away as 'I'm just tired" by all of us. So actually disentangling actually suffering the effects of fatigue from complaining of being tired aren't always the same thing. And we all have busy lives, and can feel stressed and time poor, and up against drudgery - in housework and employed work. So no, I genuinely don't think that men always recognise the work imbalance or the potential for resentment in their partners over housework - which is as important as the actual fatigue isn't it?

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 10:59

It's important in a relationship that you both have time for each other.

If he's not pulling his weight then he needs to be called out on that. You both need equal down time.

However, if you are both getting equal downtime and still don't have the time and energy get for each other (and this isn't just a temporary thing) then it's time to evaluate your lives and try to make changes so you do.

That means both of you making changes to enable you to get quality time together. If you don't then of course your relationship will suffer.

Ellisandra · 05/03/2017 11:02

I don't think blokes in general do need this stuff spelling out.

Some men are lazy.
Not all.

No amount of telling my XH that him leaving everything to me was completely unfair. I never willingly took it on - more a case of, if he leaves every dish we own lying around the house, at some point I'm going to break and load the dishwasher as I don't like flies in my house Angry

My fiancé? When he was married to his late wife, he did all the housework and shopping on his midweek day off, because it was easier than her doing it on her weekend day off - because the kids were off then too.

They're both men. Just one's an arsehole. I don't buy this "men need to be told". People sometimes need to be told they're being a selfish arse. This husband does.

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 11:56

Well we might be just reflecting on different scenarios and talking about different things. I'm just suggesting that the link between the equal burden of housework and the overall health of the relationship isn't always obvious. At one end you have lazyarse DHs who would rather do little even if the relationship suffers - but at the other end there may be DWs who expect DHs to be mind readers about lots of behaviours.
And also that there is a difference between saying - 'Im so tired and if you could help out more, I wouldn't be, and then perhaps we could find more quality time together' (which would be a good thing and would hopefully generally illicit a good response?) and saying 'I do everything around here and I'm fed up of it - you need to pull your weight or I'm walking' which sounds like another criticism and pronably illicits a defensive response. It's not rocket science, but in relationships with all the stress and workload of daily life - I suspect what actually gets said and also what is heard is somewhere between the two.

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