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Relationships

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Original poster

Guilt over not having enough time for hubby

41 replies

Chopper1975 · 03/03/2017 21:03

I'm a FT working mum of a 9 and 5 year old. I take on most of the running of the house and sorting childcare/kids after school activities (ironic seeing as I did a bloody Womens Studies degree!!) etc and struggle finding the energy at the end of the day to do nothing more than put pj's on, pour the odd glass of wine and just relax.
My hubby, who is lovely, finds it hard to get that I can't be faffed with anything else ('early nights'!!!) and tbh I have no real interest. If I'm going to have an early night, it'll be to go to sleep!
Is it just me.....

OP posts:

corythatwas · 05/03/2017 16:30

Dadaist Sun 05-Mar-17 10:50:27
"Generally corythatwas? - yes, blokes do need this stuff spelt out. Really are a bit thick about a lot of this - bit crap I know! I'm not defending, just explaining."

This is all new to me: not what I have seen in any of the men of either mine or dh's family.

Are they the same at work? Is it the responsibility of their colleagues to gently explain to them that if they don't pull their weight, the whole team is likely to be a bit off with them? As a woman, I have never needed this explaining to me in the workplace, and if I did nobody would smile tolerantly and murmur "well, women are a bit crap, you can't expect them to understand these things off their own bat".

So why are people so happy to accept that men need nannying at home?

ChuckDaffodils · 05/03/2017 16:35

I'm just suggesting that the link between the equal burden of housework and the overall health of the relationship isn't always obvious

Of course it is obvious. Unless you are hard of thinking of course.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/03/2017 16:39

How come you give him choice to opt out of housework? How come you choose to do his share do the work for him? Women's studies giving you any answers yet? Is that why you are studying it?

robinia · 05/03/2017 16:53

Fwiw, doing the laundry is not a simple case of turning the washing machine on.
But I agree with pp; write a list of all the tasks being done, perhaps with time allocations and/or bleugh allocations (eg. I'd rather spend two hours ironing or cooking than one hour cleaning bathrooms or weeding). Then sit down with dh and talk it through.

TurnipCake · 05/03/2017 17:05

Are they the same at work? Is it the responsibility of their colleagues to gently explain to them that if they don't pull their weight, the whole team is likely to be a bit off with them?

Indeed. I don't think the Y chromosome comes with the inability to see dust.

You can sit down, have the gentle talks, come up with rotas, beg until you're blue in the face. If someone thinks that housework is a woman's job, you're going to have a hard time convincing them to pull their weight, not 'help'

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 17:21

OMG - could people get out of their judgey pants - just for a second - it's as bad as the daily mail here sometimes. Runrabbit - where does it say the OP 'does his share for him' ?? OP has said her OH is lovely- that she does get tired and has probably taken on too much of the housework- and is now being flamed for it along with everybody's stereotype experience lazy arse first and perfect second husbands!

I think the point here is that it is about 'balance' - and that balance can shift- e.g. washing for a growing family becomes a bigger job, and so the balance needs to be renegotiated.
And yes Corythatwas - this happens in every workplace too - because it's not obvious that someone is being overworked or someone else is being lazy unless they are doing the exact same job at the same time. The division of labour- in the home or the work place - can end up giving people a false impression- or land some with harder shifts - but others then say they are just lazy! Its a question of rational judgement, discussion and negotiation- not moral judgement because you already know someone should be sacked! It's not a hunt for who can we flame for the most reprehensible behaviour. It's about two people reconnecting. Get off your high horses!!

TurnipCake · 05/03/2017 17:34

I quite like my judgey pants, they don't require machine washing

corythatwas · 05/03/2017 17:34

What I am objecting to Dadaist is not individuals failing to adapt to changing tasks in the workplace: it is the idea that certain people are excused from adapting because of their genitals, and that certain other people are supposedly responsible for understanding how the changes work and explaining them because of their, different, genitals. In other words, it was your statement that "men are a bit crap" that I objected to.

I have never come across an office where it works in that genital-determined way. Of course I may fail to adapt to changes in the workplace as quickly as I should, but nobody (I hope) is going to suggest it's the responsibility of my male colleague of the same employment grade "because women are a bit crap".

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 17:53

Ha Robina - that's why I get the bathroom job lol - DW wants nothing to do with the toilet! But then I loathe washing, or at least hanging - happy to sort the bins - quite like dusting when it eventually rises to the top of the priority jobs (which DW also hates) - but then she doesn't mind hanging washing so much (I just do my own washing btw and am very thankful!)

ChuckDaffodils · 05/03/2017 19:12

because it's not obvious that someone is being overworked or someone else is being lazy unless they are doing the exact same job at the same time

Funny that, when my OH has done than his share if I am poorly or working away or later, I notice. Same with him if he is poorly or working away or longer hours. It is not rocket science, ridiculous excuse.

What you do is use your senses and see what has been done, take away the contribution you have made and bingo - that is what the other person has done. Very simple.

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 19:34

Corythatwas - no one is excused from adapting. I was referring to how people in heterosexual relationships communicate - and how one half may think they've been clear and the the other will be able to join the dots, and this might well not be the case. (There's books about Venus and Mars on this stuff too). So it wasn't about housework and all the patriarch triggers specifically- it could be about anything, where two ways of saying things can sound more similar to one sex than to another for whom they may sound very different. And it's generalising and it's social conditioning and so flame me on all that if you must. But in my experience women join dots that men don't and vice versa when it come to communicating grievances. That was all - nothing about who should be doing housework- honest!

Klaphat · 05/03/2017 19:41

There's books about Venus and Mars on this stuff too

And they're as much bollocks as your posts, I'm afraid.

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 19:41

Indeed. I don't think the Y chromosome comes with the inability to see dust.

I don't like to turn this into a gender issue because there are plenty of couples where the males likes things to be more tidy or organised.

Likewise, I think a lot of men can play the same card and wonder how the hell their partner can't see or do what is needed to maintain the home so it doesn't fall apart. Many women would refute that in the same way.

emilybrontescorset · 05/03/2017 19:52

I have several friends who have been in your position op , in fact I once was myself.
I had to spell it out to my ex h that as I did 3 hours of housework every single day plus gardening and car washing, so as to meet his clean house requests, I did not want to engage in sex with him.
I think my words were as I feel like a maid, cook and full time nanny, as well as working outside of the home too, I do not want to fuck you.

Nannys and cleaners don't fuck the boss, and that's what it felt like.

I don't have any advice.
I'm no longer married to my ex.
I do have a lovely dp and my sex life is fantastic. We don't live together though so I am not his maid.

Hope this helps with perspective Dadaist.

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 20:19

Chickdaffodills - I was responding to the analogy about judging workloads in the workplace - where - unless you jobshare with someone, it's not so easy to say what is a fair distribution of workload in the work place.
But anyway - just because you do more when your OH is poorly doesn't mean you do your fair share the rest of the time does it? Not so simple - You may be doing just a bit more than virtually nothing when they unwell, or maybe you are doing far too much and he's doing virtually nothing and that's why you got ill in the first place? How do you know -and would it look fair to another couple - and does that matter?

Dadaist · 05/03/2017 20:26

Come to think of it I've actually no idea whether we are talking about the same things at all now!?

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