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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm doing what's right

42 replies

user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 16:03

Just up in a heap and hope I'm doing the right thing....
found a message on my STBXH phone to another girl 2 days ago. Drove off with the kids telling him I was done. Later on that day he confessed he had slept with this girl 3 times. I'm literally in complete shock. How could he do this to us. He has since been ringing excessively begging for me to come home. I told him I'm not going back till he leaves the house. Thing is he is crying none stop on the phone and begging me to try and save our marriage. He has told me he does not want to live without me and our kids in his life. I hate to hear him in such pain but I don't think I can or ever forgive this, am I right to get him out and separate or do I feel sorry for him when he is in such a state

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/03/2017 16:07

He doesn't deserve your pity. He want thinking of you or your marriage when his dick was doing its thing!!
Save your strength for the divorce and holding on to your self respect.

Cloudyapples · 02/03/2017 16:11

Do not feel sorry for him - it's not like he cheated on you by accident. He made the decision THREE TIMES to sleep with another woman. His pain and upset is nothing compared to what he has done to you and your family. He's not upset because of his actions but because he now has to face the consequences.

I repeat, do NOT feel sorry for him - put yourself first and do not give him a second thought, after all he certainly wasn't thinking of you when he cheated.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 16:17

Thank wishiwas. I know that's exactly the advice I would give to someone else in this position. Maybe I'm in shock and just not thinking straight. He's not one for crying and to hear him like this, crying pathetically on the phone almost makes me feel sorry for him. I do love him but I could never stay with him now. He has destroyed everything

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/03/2017 16:20

He's crying because he's realising what he's losing, he never thought about that when he had sex three times; sorry but they all cry when caught, still doesn't excuse his cheating.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 16:21

Your right cloudyapples. He wants to meet so we can talk. He is in such a state maybe I should

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/03/2017 16:22

Well he hasn't tried to minimise which is a huge thing cheaters normally do.
He's come straight out with the truth.
With any infidelity I always say, no knee-jerk reactions.
Take your time and really think things through.
I couldn't forgive my ExH and my current ExP but others do and can improve their relationship.

Look after yourself and your DC.
This was NOT a ONS. He did this 3 times.
Not a mistake, 3 times.
He does not deserve your sympathy or pity.
He was certainly not thinking about you or DC when he had his dick inside her!

But take stock. Get some love and support around you.
Don't keep his dirty little secret.
But do take your time.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 16:42

Well I wouldn't go so far as to say he came straight out with it (not even close). After a day of swearing he could never cheat on me he confessed in the middle of a break down. He's already trying to say now actually it was only once. He seems so sorry now but it's too late😞

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/03/2017 16:46

I would take "three times" with a pinch of salt tbh. As you've already found out, cheaters always minimise.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 17:00

All those days and nights I thought he was working away and I was left minding the kids and holding down a stressful job. He has been in such bad form lately, I guess that was guilt. We put everything into our lives and future together. How could he throw it all away. He has been such hard work lately that I do want out but I still love him also. I've always been there for him but how can I be expected to sort this one for him. He says he is on his own now with no one to turn to

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 02/03/2017 17:01

Fuck him and his tears.

When a husband or wife cheats, they don't just cheat on their partner, not that that isn't bad enough on it's own. They cheat on their children. They cheat on their parents and their partner's parents. They cheat on their siblings. They cheat on their close friends. They cheat on everyone that loves the couple and has an emotional stake in their relationship.

Remind yourself of that every time you are tempted to feel sorry for him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/03/2017 17:08

IF you still really love him and IF you truly believe that he's sorry there might be a way back for your relationship but only IF he's prepared to do everything and anything you need to trust him. So you need to be able to access his phone, email etc, and he needs to tell you anything you need to know.

I know people do mend marriages after infidelity, but it's hard. What tends to happen is that very quickly the cheating partner starts saying they have apologised and what more do you want? To which the answer is months, probably years, of complete openness and reassurance.

How far is he prepared to go to win you back? And do you think you could ever trust him again?

Adora10 · 02/03/2017 17:08

So his tears are now making you want to see him and talk; don't be silly, do not let him manipulate, keep him away, let him feel the consequence of his actions; don't be so quick to be reeled in by him,; you don't even know the whole truth probably or the extent of the affair.

Let him stew in his own tears; he caused this, not you, don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for you.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 17:17

If he would just move out for awhile but he wants me to meet him first. I have never heard him like this before. Told him to calm down and get a grip. Kids are oblivious to it all 😣

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 02/03/2017 17:18

Also, if he cares that much why is he still in your house? He should have gone to a hotel or whatever so you and the kids can move back in.

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 17:22

He has plenty people around he could stay with. I told him I am on my way back and will meet with him but that me and the kids will stay with a friend

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/03/2017 17:27

Eh, you're moving out and not him, yeah really sounds like he's doing what's best for you, not!

Are you that easily manipulated OP, he cries, you go back to him? Tell him to go stay with a friend whilst you spend the next few days getting over the shock of what he has done to you. If he won't do that, then it just proves he's an incredibly selfish git.

Lochan · 02/03/2017 17:27

He's going to try to make you feel guilty (for causing him pain/breaking up the marriage/for hurting the children)

Just remember (whatever you decide to do) that his decisions, his actions caused this.

He appears to be making this all about him. So incredibly selfish.

category12 · 02/03/2017 17:29

Mine cried and begged when I found out the first time.

He went on to do it again, and cried and begged again.

Him being devastated, crying and regretful doesn't actually mean you'll be able to trust him again.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2017 17:32

You can feel sorry for him but still choose to end your marriage because he ruined it.

I suspect you are going to let him manipulate you. You have caved to the crocodile tears very quickly. That would be a mistake.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/03/2017 17:38

Hang on, I missed that bit. He's really, really sorry but you are the one who has had to leave? With his kids? That doesn't sound sorry. He should be begging you to move back into your home while he sleep elsewhere.

I totally revise my first post. This guy's not sorry at all. If he were he'd be knocking himself out to make you feel safe. The DC too. You should be safe in your own home with your stuff around you

Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 17:40

I just don't want him doing anything stupid. He is the father of my children. I can't switch off caring for him like the flick of a switch. He sounds pretty bad

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488469700 · 02/03/2017 17:41

He said he would go if I just met with him

OP posts:
anonymice · 02/03/2017 17:44

He wont do anything stupid. Very selfish people are far too fond of themselves to do that. It's manipulation. And it is all about him. What about how you and the children are feeling ? He sounds really selfish.

Adora10 · 02/03/2017 17:46

So you're meeting him at home and he's just going to go, doesn't even make sense, good luck OP, I think you are going to need it.

What are you going to meet him for anyway, to discuss how the sex was, sorry but what is the point in meeting him, I couldn't bear to look at him right now.

You're being incredibly naïve.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/03/2017 17:46

He is lying again.

He wants to meet you to talk his way out of his mess. .
Staying together for the sake of the dc will be his feeble excuse I assume. .
Or he will promise he has now realised its you he loves /wants to be with..
If you take him back you will be giving him the green light to tattoo 'welcome' on your forehead. .

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