I think I'm doing what's right

[user1488469700]

Just up in a heap and hope I'm doing the right thing....
found a message on my STBXH phone to another girl 2 days ago. Drove off with the kids telling him I was done. Later on that day he confessed he had slept with this girl 3 times. I'm literally in complete shock. How could he do this to us. He has since been ringing excessively begging for me to come home. I told him I'm not going back till he leaves the house. Thing is he is crying none stop on the phone and begging me to try and save our marriage. He has told me he does not want to live without me and our kids in his life. I hate to hear him in such pain but I don't think I can or ever forgive this, am I right to get him out and separate or do I feel sorry for him when he is in such a state

I told him I'm not going back till he leaves the house

But yet, he's still there.

He should be moving out not you.

Life should be as difficult for him at the moment as it should be. I'm guessing he wouldn't have told you if you hadn't stumbled on the info.

He is emotionally blackmailing you don't fall for it he's a dirty toe rag who cheated several times and will do it again the moment your backs turned.

He won't do anything "stupid". He is too fond of servicing his cock for that.

I wonder how long it would have gone on had you not found the message? Months? Years?

He wants to see you to talk to you because he can cry and beg in person and has a good chance of making you feel so sorry and worried for him that you don't make him leave.

As I say, my ex did exactly the same. We had tears, begging, mentions of suicide. He was genuinely upset, it wasn't fake. But it made utterly no difference to the fact that despite the drama, we went on again to have more or less exactly the same thing - he cheated again.

Your best bet is to stay distant and not get sucked into it all. Let the dust settle a bit and let yourself recover from what he has done, feel your own wounds instead of being drawn into caring for his (self-inflicted) ones and never getting the time and space to find out how YOU get through this.

It's SO hard but please don't base your decisions on how sorry you feel for him. It is not your job to make him feel better about something he did to you. I fell into that trap many, many times with my ex!

He has no one else to turn to? Too bad! That's not your responsibility, nor is it your problem.

By all means meet up with him if it feels right but don't let him pressure you into anything or make you feel guilty. Tell him that you understand that he is upset but there is nothing that you can do about that. Ask him to give you space for a while. If he won't, then it's clear that all his tears are about how sorry he feels for himself rather than how much he's hurt you. If he really cares about you he will give you whatever time and space you need to get through this.

OP he is only sorry cause he was caught, cause if he really cared about you he would have ended this after the first time. If he said 3 times it was probably more than 300 times. Now he is thinking about how he is feeling and how terrible all this is for him. What about how he has betrayed you and your children. Stay strong and don't give in to those tears

So he won't leave until you speak to him? Selfish pig.

Emotional blackmail, same thing happened to me and I gave in. Ended up happening again 2 years later but this time I didn't fall for it. Now I've moved on, best decision I ever made

My ex-husband cried for over six months begging me to come back to him after I found out he was cheating, he threatened to kill himself and he wished he could take back everything he had done blah, blah, blah. Alongside these emotional outbursts he was still able to 'court' the OW and take her on a variety of dates and trips away - how nice. He seemed to be able to turn this behaviour on and off - quite convenient really! One morning at 8.00am he text me to say he was about to hang himself by, 10.00am he was on a shopping trip with her - all for effect! He also had a long period of work off on the sick due to the emotional upheaval he was facing - even more time for him and her to enjoy themselves! While I had to drag myself to work every single day to keep a roof over our children's heads. Tears mean nothing - actions speaker louder than words!

pls OP do not go and meet him on your own. Have someone as a mediator. Pls

So he was lying to your face right up til the point he broke down under pressure. What a star. He's had all this time to prepare a plausible sob story about why it happened. He kept going back for more though, so even if he thought it was wrong he didn't care (as long as you didn't find out) because he enjoyed it.

Agree it may be a good idea to take someone else with you. Or make sure you write down what he tells you so he can't change it later without you both knowing he's still lying. Let him know that if he's not telling the truth now he doesn't care enough to save the marriage.

TBH, you've got the evidence. Even if you did have access to his phone etc he could easily have a second /separate sim card /meet someone while out etc, so you'll never know for sure. What you do know is he didn't 'make a mistake ' (he deliberately repeated), he's a cheating, lying bastard who will do what he likes behind your back.
Judging by numerous pp on here, he'll repeat.

Your visceral response to this bombshell has been a huge NO. Many elements in your posts say NO, this is it done and over. This is your sticking and break point. This is YOU. He has realised that he isn't the centre of your universe and this has made him cry. That's kind of his problem?

You could say you'll talk when he has left. You're ok because clearly you have somewhere else you can be. Perhaps he never realised that either. How dispensible he is; how responsible for his actions he is. He never realised how you have chosen to be with him, loved him but can and have now withdrawn that choice, changed it in response to his behaviour. He never realised how much he was changing all your lives by behaving as HE chose. This is what's really stinging him. But this still isn't the point. Because you have a choice and have used it - just like he did and by goddess that never occurred to him at all.

I'm not into punishing folk for their idiotic choices but I am into people choosing what is right for their own self. Sleeping with another was, apparently right for him. Leaving him is right for you.

Changing things again to accommodate his failure to keep his dick in his pants or you at the centre of his universe is renegotiable. But not while he still thinks he can dictate the terms.

He should leave and assume that the balls he flung around merrily with another are now floating around while you decide what to do with them.

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night?
If not then the adrenalin will keep you going for a while.
Try your best to look after yourself.
Sugar levels up and keep hydrated.
This is YOUR life and YOUR decision.
Take your time making it because either way, it will affect the rest of your life!

I bet he switches the guilt on to you. "I didn't think you loved me" is the favourite.

He's already done something stupid, he threw a bomb into his own family
and now he's snivelling and whining like he's the victim.
But he's not so sorry that he's incapable of seeing his children and loving cuckolded wife out of their own house.
Get yourself tested for STDs OP.